You’ve no doubt heard by now that UK popstar and talent show judge extraordinaire Cheryl Tweedycole may or may not have been unceremoniously dumped from the US version of UK ratings juggernaut X-Factor the other day.

Now, until Nicole Scher-whatshemerface actually shows up seated on the judging panel, you’ll have to excuse us being slightly skeptical over the whole debacle, mostly because we’re talking about the show that has perfected the art of regularly staging incidents for publicity – they did the same thing with Louis Walsh a few years ago, for example (who really SHOULD have been fired, because he’s basically the male Irish Leprechaun version of Paula Abdul, which is just as awful as it sounds..)

The only thing that makes me believe it could really, really be true is the fact that, whilst Simon Cowell would completely stage something like this for publicity (especially when it is as conveniently timed as the eve of the American Idol finale), drawing more attention to Tweedy, sorry Cole’s, thick (though hardly impenetrable – unless you’re, you know, stupid) Geordie accent and lack of chemistry with the panel as a whole is hardly the best idea in the world.  Plus, the idea of Cheryl and Paula sitting side by side just has never really sat right with me, it’s just not the right balance of personalities.  That being said, jettisoning Paula would have been the wiser idea.  Especially since anyone who has ever sat through The Sing Off, ever, would know that Nicole is not only completely unconstructive and innarticulate as a judge, but she’s pretty much the blandest forty year old drag queen in all of Bland-topia.

So, without further ado, here is a handy guide to break you in to the 15 main reason why the US is missing out on Cheryl Tweedycole :-

01 – Her maiden name is Tweedy, which is officially an amazing surname (if you’re a Looney Tunes cartoon character, anyway)

No wonder she kept the surname Cole when her gay black husband left her..

02 – She won a national televised reality show; had to endure listen to Geri Halliwell babble nonsensically for weeks on end.

She was actually quite good too.  Sure, she’s not quite on Beyonce levels of being able to sing and dance like a crazy person at the same time, but when it’s just her a microphone, she has a really lovely tone to her voice and can emote quite well, which is more than you can say for SOME pop stars these days *coughcoughBritneySpearscough*

03 – She beat up a bathroom attendant over a lollipop (not because she was, you know, black)

(Not the real scene of the crime, but you can see how racially insensitive confusion could easily occur.)

The first big controversy of her career (besides the monobrow she was sporting at the Popstars : The Rivals auditions).  A mere week after making the band and winning the competition, Chezza got into an altercation with a bathroom attendant (as you do) over exactly whether or not one of the Chuppa Chups proffered was for free or not.  I mean, really – who hasn’t been there at least once in their lives?  Unfortunately, said bathroom attendant was slightly, you know, ‘of colour’ and hence what would have been a mild case of aggravated assault became a massive tabloid race war issue.  Cheryl’s Mum said it best when she noted to the media one day “Of course me Cheryl’s not a racialist – most of her boyfriend’s were black.”  Indeed.

04 – She once told a journalist that her ultimate sexual fantasy was to have 50 Cent come in her face.  Clearly thought she was off the record.  Wasn’t.

AMAZING.

05 – She’s delightfully stroppy and outspoken.

Now, stroppy may be too harsh a word, but she’s definitely outspoken and stands up for herself, which is a delightful trait in a girlbander when pretty much everyone out there is media-trained up the wazoo.  The following is probably not the best example, but is hilarious none the less.  “What is that?  It smells like shit.  Oh, that’s what it is – actual shit. *hrmph*”

06 – She’s the best member of Girls Aloud.

Sure, Nadine might be the best singer.  Kimberley might have the best body.  But, for sheer charm, sexiness and charisma, Cheryl has always been the breakout star of Girls Aloud.  Still remember the first time I walked past a tv and the Love Machine video was playing and I literally stopped in the middle of the lounge room and was transfixed by the pretty woman in the cheap green dress until the end of the clip.  Which is no mean feat considering I’m a total, you know, bummer.  Really, there are any number of Girls Aloud clips to post to back this up, but Biology is pretty much the most thrilling and amazing three and a half minutes of pop music ever made.

07 – She married a black, gay football player solely for the purpose of procuring a better professional surname (and to prove that she’s, you know, not a complete racialist).

It’s one thing to be dedicated to one’s craft.  It’s another thing entirely to marry a gay black man for the sake of changing your surname and putting to bed rumors that you’re a violent racialist.  Not to say that Ashley Cole is a total Mo or anything (except for the fact he has the most serious case of Gayface this side of Derek Hough).  And it was always so funny that his many, MANY cheating scandals always seemed to arise when Cheryl had the final single in an album cycle to promote (Can’t Speak French, Untouchable and Parachute respectively) – now THAT’S dedication.

08 – She’s hilarious when she’s hungover.

Unfortunately missing the classic line that happens twelve seconds later where she moans “I’ve got spew.  On me trousers.  There’s spew all up me trousers..”

09 – Lily Allen wrote a GREAT song about her.

Well, by ‘wrote a great song about her’ I mean she ‘name checks her in the chorus’ and ‘it’s the 3rd best song she ever did besides The Fear and Chinese’.  A really amazing downbeat slice of electro-pop with Allen bemoaning the banality of her life, she basically just rhymes a bunch of words like ‘seedy’ and ‘greedy’ with Tweedy, but it’s all kind of brilliant.

10 – She’s partial to going ghost-hunting (at least when she has an album to promote).

This is my pretty the most amazing piece of reality tv absurdity ever – if only because of the complete seriousness everyone seems to be partaking in.  “TEP THE FUCKING TABLE” is pretty much the most brilliant thing ever.

11 – She takes fashion inspiration from M Bison.

Cheryl Cole

M. Bison

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE…  (Exactly!)

12 – She’s responsible for the only good thing will.i.am has committed to record in the past five years

Now, these days the name (?) will.i.am is pretty much synonymous with piles of horseshit crimes against musicality like THIS and THIS, but there was a time when he used to be pretty cool.  That time ended about three seconds after this song was recorded.  Although, as talented musician swansongs go, 3 Words is pretty beautiful.

13 – She’s recored solo albums without abandoning the band that made her successful

One of the more appealing things about Girls Aloud as a pop entity (besides the fact they’re the shop front for the most exhilarating pop music to come out of the past decade barring, maybe, Lady Gaga) is the fact that they, you know, get along.  The fact that they can take a break to follow individual pursuits, like Nicola’s make up range, Kimberley’s modelling career, Sarah’s forays into acting and presenting and Nadine’s, ummm, failed solo career is one of the most endearing traits to find in a modern girlband – they all seem like nine years on, they’re all still best friends.  Except for Nadine, obvs, who’s kind of AWFUL.

14 – She’s managed to stay successful besides the recurring rumors the UK Fashion Stylists Union is affiliated with the Black Bathroom Attendants Union as there is no other explanation for the awful, AWFUL styling she’s been receiving the past twelve months..

THIS

15 – Promise This is a fucking TUNE.

The album was pretty good as well.

So yeah – CLEARLY The Yanks are missing out as The Tweedycole is pretty much the best thing to happen since sliced bread.  Hopefully, if this all turns out to be true, Chezza will lick her wounds for a bit and then go back about the business of being a bloody good popstar, which is what she was always best at doing anyway.  AND MAKING THE SIXTH GIRLS ALOUD ALBUM WHICH SHE OWES US ALL.  Because it will save pop music, obvs.

Here’s seven minutes of random Tweedycole action because you’re worth it :-

The best headline to come out of the whole debacle is this, FYI – almost makes the whole thing worth it..

Cheryl Cole’s US ‘X Factor’ axe blamed on hotel biscuit binges

AMAZING.