Dear Glee, FUCK YOU. In honour of American Friday, Glee has leaked a clip of B-Grade boybanders Sam and Artie covering youtube sensation Rebecca Black’s Friday. As my belovedly underused Mercedes would stay – HELL to the NO!
On the plus side, it’s better than the original but, then again, so is syphillus (not speaking from experience; maybe speaking from experience). Also, now we know what Friday sounds like with a production that cost more than two quid using a singer that doesn’t make Kim Kardashian sound like, well, Paris Hilton.
Have a listen for yourself and see what you think. You’ll be pleasantly surprised :-
Now, someone needs to get my man Sam in a boyband, Stat! Hopefully, that boyband will be IN MY PANTS. (Trouty mouth is such an adorable Dork, which is pretty much the sexiest type of guy, EVER *sighs*).
Fashioncap – Met Costume Institute Gala 2011
I generally try to stay away from serious fashion commentary as, you know, my idea of personal high fashion is still pretty much jeans and tee (I still wear sneakers with pretty much EVERYTHING). But it’s hard to resist the annual Met Gala as it brings out a sense of drama and complete fashion absurdity normally reserved for spanish soap operas and Royal Weddings.
Here are some of the most gloriously absurd and, well, just plain absurd looks from last night. Bonus points awarded for a sense of fun and drama. Points deducted for that cardinal fashion sin of being boring. Or a Kardashian sister..
WORST
Jennifer Lopez
Why hasn’t someone called the Police because her dress is clearly trying to strangle her. Damned New Yorkers, always so apathetic. It’s like the whole Kitty Genovese ordeal all over again.. Plus, it looks like a Florist threw up all over her shoulders..
Rihanna’s right hand side
Strategically worn Spanx are only a fashion win when you DON’T HAVE THEM HANGING OUT THE SIDE OF YOUR DRESS.
Anna Wintour
I know I’m probably being hunted down and shot by minons as I type, but this is just kind of horrid, isn’t it? I’m getting wrinkles from all the squinting trying to look at it. Maybe she’s doing a spot number at a Drag bar afterwards?
Serena Williams
I actually kind of love the dress. Shame she let Princess Beatrice choose her hat..
Demi Moore
Princess Beatrice’s Magic Shop of Millinery strikes again! *shakes fist angrily in air* Would be better if a flock of birds hadn’t commited mass suicide all over her two seconds before she hit the red carpet.
Beyonce
*yawn* This would be more impressive if she hadn’t worn the fishtail look to about seventeen other events in the past twelve months. Or if it was an actual nice dress.. Even the House of Dereon has to have a limit on how many sequins and applique can be used on any one gown, right?
Rosie Huntington-Whitely
+
Looks like something Joan Collins rejected back in 1986..
Freida Pinto
Always thought Freida Pinto would be able to look good even in just a paper bag. Now, that may still be the case, but it turns out oversized comedy satin men’s business shirts – not so much..
Eva Mendes
Looks like Maria Von Trapp made this with some ballroom curtains from the eighties on the way in.
Nicole Richie
I didn’t know Nicole Richie had a new reality tv show where she was pretending to be a Vegas Showgirl and a Saloon Wench? Oh. Wait..
Gwyneth Paltrow
Would be a lot better if she hadn’t worn this exact same dress twice this year already. Surely, between Glee, GOOP and being married to Chris Martin, she can afford a second look?
Naomi Watts
Beautiful. Would be more impressive if Mandy Moore hadn’t already worn it to this years Oscars.
Leighton Meester
Sexy. Underdressed?
One of the Olsen Twins
It doesn’t even matter which one. This is pretty adorable. Plus, it pays tribute to the Seinfeld Puffy Shirt episode in a nicely reverent way.
Madonna
Madonna. Classy. Two words that haven’t been used in a sentence together since, ummm, Evita? Nice use of colour too. Bonus points for not scaring small children with her arms..
Rihanna’s left hand side
Stunning. Shame they ran out of material half way through. Or they let 1990’s Kim Basinger design it..
Dakota Fanning
Nawwwwww – Adorable. Our little Dakota has all grown up. Consider yourself forgiven for the Twilight series.
Jennifer Hudson
Beautiful. NOW STOP LOSING WEIGHT BECAUSE I CAN’T RECOGNIZE YOU ANYMORE, YO?!
Iman
At any other event of the year, poor Mrs Bowie would have to worry about being pilloried by every fashion publication known to man. Thankfully, at the Met Costume Institute Gala, her biggest concern is avoiding stoned teenagers looking for something to play with.
Taylor Swift
T-Swizzle looks smokin’ hot! I’d make a joke about ‘which closeted gay actor is she going to have a highly publicized affair with tonight’, but she’s pretty much my favourite person ever, so she gets a pass. (I HOPE IT’S CHORD OVERSTREET FROM GLEE..)
Miranda Kerr
LOVE. Plus, ballerinas everywhere are rejoicing at this red carpet redemption in a post-Lara Flyn Boyle world. Also, didn’t she just give birth? Wow..
Brooklyn Decker
Absolutely stunning. Puts the ‘hot’ in ‘hot pink’. Normally I’d say this is too plain for the Met Gala, but the colour just has the kind of wow factor I hoped her performance in Just Go With It would have..
Rihanna’s back
AMAZING.
Ashley Greene
Absolutely gorgeous. I can’t get over how much better this dress looks when it’s not in ‘menses red’. Bet Penelope Cruz wishes she had a Delorean to take her back to the 2011 Oscar’s now, doesn’t she..
Sarah Jessica Parker
Beautiful and classy but still just the right amount of edge. Bonus points for not once looking like she’s trying out for a part in the upcoming Mr Ed reboot.
Blake Lively
Breathtaking, elegant and completely unlike anything seen before. #winning.
BEST
What do you think peeps? Any you disagree with? Remember, I’m the guy who spent a whole night clubbing dressed only in a bright orange Tigger Suit, so what do I know, right?
As you may have heard, yesterday, the USA has managed to finally end the reign of terror of one of the worst war criminals in modern history. HUZZAH. Ding Dong Bin Laden’s Dead – which old Bin Laden? OSAMA Bin Laden, etc. Provided this is all officially confirmed and it’s not just some identical imposter (because, that was funny in Arrested Development, but less so IRL..) this is a great day for humanity. Seriously. Sorry, everything I write these days seems to sound sarcastic, even when I’m being dead serious. See what I mean – dead serious? Even that sounds like a pun.. *sigh*
The problem is, 2012 is an election year, and what common enemy are the competing parties supposed to try and unite the American Public in fear of now? The Bin Laden gravy train has been a good one for the last decade, but now what? So, whilst America is breaking out the party streamers and mid-strength beers, here’s a helpful list of things that would make great common enemies in the upcoming election year :-
01 – Bears
Because we’re all sick of living in constant fear of bear attacks and all the subsequent tax hikes that come with them. Remember – we don’t pay the Bear Tax, we pay the Homer tax. Let the bears pay the Bear Tax.
02 – The Fact that Sarah Palin can see Russia from her House
Even though Palin 2012 is becoming less and less of a reality (unless Bristol decides to get political, which given the amount of votes her ‘dancing’ got her on Dancing With The Stars, could be a possibility) there are more important Palin-related things to be afraid. Like the fact that SHE CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM HER HOOOSE. I mean – what is she? Some sort of super cyber-visioned superhuman? Right now, she just using her super powers to spy on The Russians, but what next people, WHAT NEXT?
03 – Donald Trump’s Hair
Forget the controversy over Obama’s citizenship. I’m more curious to what percentage of The Don is an American citizen. He looks like an Oompa Loompa with a weave that would put most of dowtown Detroit to shame. Plus, I’m pretty sure at least 93% of his hair is made in China. Just sayin..
04 – Nene Leakes
BAM! Because any woman with enough street game to have Star Jones quaking in her stylish yet affordable boots has got to be the biggest threat to national security since Saddam Hussein. Or Mothra..
Now where’s Barbara Walters? NOW WHERE’S BARBARA WALTERS?
Don’t tell me THIS isn’t the true face of fear people..
05 – That President Obama managed to produce such a convincing fraudulent Birth Certificate
Because, CLEARLY, it’s not like he was actually, you know, actually born in the US or anything. I mean, it has to pretty easy to B.S. your way into the Oval Office or Trump wouldn’t be attempting the Exact. Same. Thing.
06 – The Metric System
How much simpler would life be if everything was measured in increments of 10’s and 100’s and 1000’s? Heresy. Please don’t burn me at the stake like every other person who has proposed this since the 1700’s, mmmkay?
07 – Scream 4
A smart, scary and intellectually thrilling horror movie? Say it ain’t so, American movie going public. One of the scariest films to come out all year which, judging by the Box Office receipts, only 57 of you are going to watch..
08 – Princess Beatrice’s Royal Wedding Hat
Clearly a weapon of mass destruction. Or a fancy cat flap? Either way, it must be stopped!
09 – Lady Gaga
On top of the fact that she recently gestated inside of some giant egg, constantly challenges organized religion and seems to have completely taken over Glee, now her leaked artwork for her new album cover seems to have revealed that she’s some half human, half motorcycle hybrid. It’s like T2 all over again! Sure, she probably only wants to kill Sarah Conner for now, but what next people, WHAT NEXT?
10 – A 3rd Generation Bush Running for President
Because with the rate that drunken, entitled Republicans procreate, you just KNOW there’s another one out there. Waiting. <insert Jaws music here>
Any other ideas? USA! USA! USA! etc..
(I normally abhor doing this, because any good satiric piece should stand on it’s own two feet, but clearly, I think the events of yesterday are a fantastic step forward in hopefully helping to heal one of the great tragedies of our era and no offense is intended AT ALL. As those who know me know, New York is pretty much a second home to me and I think that the USA and it’s people are kind of the greatest ever, I just like to gently mock that which I love sometimes.. Peace)
Nine Reasons that could explain Princess Beatrice’s Hat
As some of you who MAY NOT HAVE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK THIS PAST MONTH may be aware, there was a Royal Wedding last night (Australian Standard Future Time). Beautiful ceremony, lots of old people, etc etc – but one thing stole the show. I’m not talking about the fact that Posh Spice wore a black fitted sheet to the wedding or that The Queen spent much of the ceremony nodding off (word!). Of course, I’m referring to Princess Beatrice’s Official Wedding Hat.
AMAZING.
But what is it all for? Now, I’ve had several hours (not to mention several bottles of Merlot – because morning drinking isn’t weird at all) and I’ve come up with the following possible reasons :-
01 – She was trying to get better tv reception of the ceremony in case she had shit seats.
02 – She was styled by The Haus Of Gaga.
03 – Turns out fashion sense really is hereditary and comes from the Mother’s side.
04 – She was just trying to distract everyone’s attention from Eugenie’s AWFUL dress
05 – Sarah Ferguson is being smuggled into the ceremony behind it
06 – In a grand tradition dating back to the late 1700’s, all royal family members get dressed in complete darkness (which would explain SO much..)
07 – It came in a Lucky Dip Box outside Westminster Abbey.
08 – She’s secretly helping Frodo hide the precious from Gollum. Or Avril Lavigne..
09 – She’s baiting it up after the ceremony and going fishing in the Thames.
AMAZING.
Here it is again, from a different angle :-
You just know Aretha Franklin’s Inauguration Hat is weeping into it’s Hatbox..
Blowbacks
Just found this going through an old journal of mine. One of my favourites, partially because I really love the melody on the chorus and partly because I like how wistful and sad it is about something that, at the time, was very raw and hard and painful. As a writer, I always like finding an ugliness and an honesty in a moment and trying to make then both beautiful and real at the same time.
Plus, it reminds me of Michael, obviously, since it’s very specifically about that relationship and how I felt in the aftermath of it all once I moved back to Australia. I wrote this in about five minutes and whenever I read it I literally feel like I’m looking at a Polaroid, it’s such a clear moment in time for me. The only thing I’ve ever changed I can never decide whether to call it Blowbacks or When The Sun Goes Out. Thoughts?
i’ve got a song in my heart
some kind of broken hearted torch
but i can’t keep from wondering
what’s really going on in yours
and i move on every friday night
but i never get very far
i’ve shared myself so many times lying
in the backseat of my car
(chrous)
who’s gonna give me blowbacks now?
who’s gonna blow me when i’m coming down?
who’s gonna hold me in the crowd?
who’s gonna love me when the sun goes out?
i can’t believe that you’re with him
i thought that we’d have our chance again
i can’t believe you moved on so quick
i hope he makes you feel the worst of it
i can’t believe the things you said
they made me wish that i were dead
there must be something that i missed
cuz i’ve never been so wrong with things like this
who’s gonna give me blowbacks now?
who’s gonna fuck me when i’m coming down?
who’s gonna hold me in the crowd?
who’s gonna love me when the sun goes out?
are you drinking with the dirty boys again?
i hope you think of me when you’re trying to think of them..
i’ve been in love exactly once
i know what it’s like to fall
and i’ve been oh so close to distance
above it all
and now you’re gone and i’m alone and i don’t know which way to go
and you pushed and pushed me to forgive and forget and forget oh and then you left
who’s gonna give me blowbacks now?
who’s gonna kiss me when i’m coming down?
who’s gonna hold me in the crowd?
who’s gonna love me when the sun goes out?
20 Things that Vodafone is EVEN WORSE Than :-
In honour of the fact that I couldn’t send text messages for five hours AGAIN yesterday, here is a condensed list of all the things that Vodafone’s (lack of) service is worse than :-
01 – The movie adaptation of Red Riding Hood
02 – Phillip Sheppard and his saggy fuschia briefs
03 – Sambucca Shots
04 – Courteney Cox’s Awful Baby Bangs from Scream 3
05 – Communism
06 – The Lean Cuisine I Ate Yesterday
07 – Homeless People
08 – One Million Christina Aguileras
09 – Madonna’s Arms
10 – Nadine Coyle’s Solo Career
11 – That Awkward Moment When You Realise You Have No Hair to Whip Back and Forth
12 – Rebecca Black
13 – Cher’s General Facial Mobility
14 – Veronica Mars Getting Cancelled at the end of the Third Season with no Plot Resolution
16 – Alanis Morissette’s blatant refusal to learn the proper definition of the word ‘Ironic’
17 – Tori Spelling’s boob job
18 – Nicole Kidman’s Stylist
19 – Flying on Tiger Airways
20 – Being married to Tom Cruise
Anything else I missed?
If I Come Undone, It Wouldn’t Make Sense To Depend On You
Have been thinking a lot (SHOCK! HORROR! Right?) the past week coming to terms with everything that happened with Michael and had quite the strange realization. So much of what happened with him running off to Melbourne and just generally being pretty (whether intentionally or not) cruel was pretty much EXACTLY the same thing as last Michael (NYC Michael? Michael One? M1? Help me out peeps – this is going to get totes confusion otherwise..) did to me a couple of years ago. So, basically, I’ve fallen in love twice, had my heart broken twice, in the exact same way. Funny, huh?
Now, this isn’t going to be some sort of online takedown of either of them since, to a degree, it’s shame on me for getting myself involved right in the middle of someone having a complete breakdown (even if, this time around, I had no idea at the time), but still.
It gets even funnier still if I get all Freudian with it and realize that it’s basically the exact. same. pattern. I established with the breakdown of my relationship with my Dad. Like, I only realized this recently and Man it is FUCKED UP (<–Funnier if you say it in a Black voice, FYI).
It makes me wonder, now that the three time pattern has established somewhat irrefutable mathematical probability, whether I have some sort of attraction to such broken, weak men? Like, let’s be fair – I’m the constant in this scenario. And not just because I’m totally self-absorbed, but for real real. I’m so picky about who I get involved with yet, every time, the exact same thing goes wrong. It’s so weird..
I’m sure part of it is that guys that are so weak and fundamentally broken are attracted to someone like me, because I’m nurturing and bubbly and fun and attentive and completely confident and secure with who I am as a person. Plus, you know, I’m kind of awesome in bed, which helps. I guess whenever people find themselves attracted to someone, most of the time it’s because that person has something they want, or a quality they aspire to. I just wonder what exactly it is.. I mean, most guys I meet it’s just that they want to fuck me (my ass is kind of the eighth wonder of the world) or have me spin them around on my junk like a pinwheel – depending on which bar I’m at, I guess. And that’s fine, because I get the physical aspect of it all and I’m comfortable with that. Most guys don’t get my energy and my personality and, just generally, who I am as a person. It’s those few that do that really hurt when you inevitably get rejected to some degree. So, basically, The Michaels.
The other thing I realized the other day is that, at the ripe old age of 29, I’ve still NEVER had a guy in my life that I can really, truly rely on. Like – never ever. I mean, I’m not perfect by any means, but I’m completely reliable. I’ve never had a guy in my life (that I’ve been in love with) that, when things get hard, doesn’t just run the other way. How messed up is that? My Dad could never have an honest conversation with me about what he did for a living. M1 could never stop partying and revolving around his ex for me. M2 (say it like ‘M squared’) couldn’t even hang around Sydney for a few months to see if this was real. Or make me feel like I mattered more than his ex boyfriend. Or say goodbye when he left Sydney. Or even ever have an honest open conversation just about where his head was at and what he felt. It’s so sad.
Just once, I’d like someone I could rely on, someone I could trust in not to just break. I want someone who wants me more than they want the easy way out. Even after all the crap M2 has put me through these past few weeks, I’d have still forgiven him in about a second if he asked me to. I was already prepared to uproot my whole life to Melbourne for him, I just wanted to know that the whole relationship wouldn’t be another emotional one way street. Like, I don’t mind a guy being all take in the bedroom, but emotionally it’d be nice to know there is potential for some back and forth.
I dunno, on some level, it’s probably my fault. I just don’t know how to adjust my field of vision so I spot this kind of loserdom earlier in the process. In my whole life I’ve only loved two guys and both of them have hurt me so badly. In the exact same way. CLEARLY, I have a type (actually as some of my close friends know, this is truer apparently than any of us ever realized!) but how do I move forward from this and learn from it? I still don’t know where I went wrong. And I still don’t know how to not want what I want.
That’s the annoying part, because I almost never want guys ever. I’m that rare breed of person who truly, genuinely doesn’t need anyone at all. Not in some weird anti-social Unabomber kind of way, but just that I’ve always been fine on my own and always been content with myself. But the two Michaels are the only two people in my life, ever (besides maybe my Mum) that I could ever imagine myself needing. Or wanting to be able to. It’s actually a really big thing, as pathetic as it sounds.
Even worse is how badly I want him back. Honestly, I think my biggest dorkiest romantic fantasy in life is that one day I’ll pretty have my life turn into the end of Love Story by Taylor Swift. You know, basically everything from the ‘I got tired of waiting..’ part (at the 2:39 mark) onwards. Seriously – I listen to it and it always makes me kind of cry. I guess that’s my big secret – I’m really just a seventeen year old girl (with a bigger rack).
It’s fine, like whatever. It’s just one of those wounds that’ll take a long time to heal. I have plenty of guys in the last few weeks gladly offering to distract me. Who knows – maybe one of them will pan out? It’s just that, I dunno.. Every day when I would go to work I would look forward to talking to him. Literally, it was like he was the best part of my every day. When I had crappy things happen, he was the first I wanted to call – it’s been so long since I’ve had ANYONE I wanted to lean on, I’m actually not that big on leaning on other people, it’s not really what I do. There’s not a lot of people I trust to comfort me and I’m normally pretty good at doing it myself. That really just sounded like one big metaphor for masturbation, didn’t it?
Anyways, I should stop moping – evidently it’s not one of my 73 Most Attractive Looks. And anyways, based on my current track record, I’m due to meet and fall in love with another Michael circa 2016/2017. And since they pretty much look EXACTLY THE SAME, he shouldn’t be hard to spot! Sweeeeeeeeeeet. Maybe I’ll even be able to rely on this one..
Well, in just over 24 hours, I’ll be sitting in a crowded theatre with a large tub of popcorn hoping not to do a Jada Pinkett-Smith in front of a cheering crowd. Shout out to my good mate Paul for tipping me off to the midnight premiere of Scream 4 tomorrow night. Now, a lot of you might be too young or not obsessive enough with the finer points of the horror movie genre, but the Scream 4 premiere is basically like scary movie Christmas for us film nerds. Now, it occurs to me from having talked to several friends that, for various reasons, the Scream movies are no longer the cinematic touchstone they once were. Some people have forgotten they ever existed, some have been desensitized by all the new wave torture porn horror that’s around these days. And some are just too gosh darned young to have ever seen them. So, just in time for Scream 4’s premiere in 26 hours time (and my gushing fantard online review inevitably being posted in 29 hours time), here is An Idiot’s Guide To The Top Ten Moments of the Scream Trilogy To Date :-
10 – TATUM EATS IT IN A GARAGE DOOR
The Scream movies aren’t short on memorable set pieces, but few horrors movies can boast anything as horrific or as thrillingly inventive as Rose McGowan getting her head crush by a Garage Door Opener. In three sweet minutes, McGowan’s Tatum hilariously sends up the whole helpless victim persona (“Oh, don’t kill me Mister Ghostface – I want to be in the sequel!”) before sadly succumbing to it (wandering off on her own, underage drinking and, let’s face it, she would have made it through that doggy door if she didn’t have such giant cans..) And, thanks to McGowan’s bravura performance, the audience was always on her side, even when they were baying for blood.
5 Nice Things About The New Britney Spears Video Clip
Now, as some of you may be aware – Britney Spears dropped the video to her new single last week (and by dropped, I mean dropped as in ‘released’ not dropped as in like ‘what she most likely does to her children several times a day when she’s trying to carry them and smoke a cigarette at the same time. Ooooh, bad mother joke – ZING!) Now, since I care about her career as much as she appears to these days, I’ve only got around to (a) watching and (b) mocking this today.
Unfortunately since, unlike her own children, I actually had a really good Mom growing up (wow – I could roll with this all day!), I was kind taught the whole “if you don’t have anything nice to say yada yada yada..” thing so, without further ado, here are five nice things about the new Britney Spears video clip :-
01 – The clip begins with people coming in a manhole.
In a nice piece of fanbase awareness, Team Britney realized that there are few things her predominately gay male fanbase like more than a good manhole. Especially a lot of shots of people repeatedly coming in and out of one. Basically, the whole video functions as one big PG-13 gay porn metephor, which is AWESOME.
02 – The song is called ‘Till The World Ends’ and the video is set during an apocolypse.
Do you see what they did there? DO YOU? DO YOU SEE? They’re quite literally ‘dancing till the world ends..’ Deep inside a giant manhole. Teeheehee. Manhole.
03 – There’s a really nice epileptic-style dance breakdown at the 0:53 mark.
It’s nice to see that Britney has moved beyond the standard issue product placement for this clip and moved into some serious disability awareness raising. Or maybe they were just watching old Pokemon episodes in between takes.. The dancing itself isn’t bad. It probably falls somewhere between Gimme More and Womanizer. Which basically means it’s on par with Piece Of Me where they constructed some great fast paced dance routines by filming Britney standing around aimlessly for five hours and then randomly splicing frames together at a rapid-fire pace to create the illusion of synchronized movements.
04 – There are some really cool visual nods to previous Britney videos.
The giant backlit water bottle backdrop and general group dancing is all very “I’m A Slave 4 U” and the bright red bejeweled one piece she whips out towards the end is most likely a visual nod to the skintight red cameltoe catsuit she wore for “Oops I Did It Again”. Well, either that or it’s just what they imagine Sluts ‘R’ Us will be selling two years in the future..
05 – She looks more engaged than she did in the Hold It Against Me video clip.
Although, to be fair, a plank of wood would look more engaged than she did in Hold It Against Me, but let’s take what we can get. At last count, there were two genuine looking smiles, and at least four seperate moments when she doesn’t look like someone is holding a gun to her head just off camera and there’s a 93% chance she’s legitimately awake for most it. It could also just be a side effect of the fact they didn’t spend the whole video budget this time on CGI airbrushing five years of non-stop Burger King patronage off her chins.
Anyways, here you have it :-
ENJOY!
Dear John Volume 2
I’m packing up all these feelings into a box and working to forget them, so I just wanted to make sure I had them somewhere because i guess what we (could’ve) had deserves to be remembered in some way.
I really liked you. Like, painfully liked you.
To be honest, I fell in love with you. Not loved, but in love. And those are two very different things.
Its funny – I truly genuinely didn’t ever, EVER think that that would happen to me again in my life. I don’t know how I feel about that either – am I meant to be grateful? Or should I be extra pissed because I was lucky to get a second shot and it ended so awfully?
I actually could have seen myself growing old with you. That’s so weird, because I never feel that about anyone. I mean, guys feel that about me but it’s always a one way street.
I could actually imagine introducing you to my Mum and her being really happy. You would have loved her, by the way. She’s an even better cook than me as well.
I feel like my right arm has been cut off a bit this past week. Like, I not just lost the first guy I’ve had any feelings about in over three years, but I lost one of my best friends. That sucks.
I don’t really understand why it had to be this way but, you know, oh well. I really could have been friends with you. I guess you’re just in a place right now where you don’t have anything to give. Hopefully you come out the other side soon enough, for your sake. You’re a really cool guy, in spite of everything.
I really would have made you happier than any guy in the world possibly could have. I knew that from the moment I met you, way before I even started having feelings for you. It’s just one of those super obvious things, a blind person could see it.
I don’t really know what’s going on with you so I don’t know how to help you. I guess I have my suspicions but there’s only a certain amount of times you can push a person away before they have to have some self-respect and not come back.
This is one of those times.
I’m not going to pursue you or try and reconnect.
That being said, if you ever want to rebuild a friendship or anything else down the track, I’d be very happy to hear from you. It’s just that I won’t make the first move.
To be honest, I don’t know if you ever will, I don’t know if you have that in you. I hope you do though – this really can’t be all that was meant to be of this.
Try and remember the good times though buddy – that first night when we had dinner and then curled up on the couch and you kissed me, that is one of the happiest memories I’ll ever have. When it was just the two of us without the world butting in, things just felt so true and perfect. It was like finding a missing half that you didn’t even know existed.
Hopefully I’ll hear from you sometime soon.
Regardless, I don’t have any ill will and I hope you find what you’re looking for in Melbourne.
I always liked you, just the way you were..
Glenn
We Can Never Be Friends
It’s always funny – like I’ve been writing music since I was a (very young) teen, but I sometimes forget about my general proficiency as a songwriter, only to be reminded at the most random of times. My favourite of which are when, in times of emotional turmoil, I randomly find myself singing one of my own tracks over and over for comfort instead of the standard issue ‘Best of the Power Ballads : Volume 11’.
This is a little something I wrote back in maybe 2004 that is easily one of the top five best overall songs I’ve ever written, both in a melodic and lyrical sense. Since I’m completely sauced right night, I’ll no doubt go through the reasons that this is emotional relevant soon enough, but it’s provided me with a lot of comfort these last few days, which amuses me no end since it’s basically musical masturbation.
I remember Liz Phair saying in an interview for the Somebody’s Miracle album that a lot of the songs she writes she views down the track as ‘pre-writes’. Basically, it’s when you write a song but don’t realise the true value or meaning of it til a few years down the track when it *really* relates to your own life. This is one song that I really feel that way about..
We Can Never Be Friends
I’ll never let you know how much you made me cry
You’ll never know how much I wish you meant it when you said goodbye
‘Cuz you keep pulling, pushing me aside
I wish you’d drown in all these tears I cried
‘Cuz all your separate rules just crash, collide
and I just want you to want me like I really want you
and I want you to touch me like I wanna touch you…
Don’t waste my time – We can never be friends
Don’t be so blind – We can never be friends
You must be high – We can never be friends
You will never be mine and we can never be…
I lie awake wishing I could confide in you
I lie awake at night wishing that I was still inside of you
‘Cuz you keep pulling, pushing me away
I wish you’d drown in all the words you say
‘Cuz you can’t keep on having it both ways
I just want you to tell me what you really want
Why won’t you play the hand that you already got..
Don’t waste my time – We can never be friends
Don’t be so blind – We can never be friends
You must be high – We can never be friends
You will never be mine and we can never be…
Woke up this morning to the news that the Kim Kardashian single has officially leaked. Now, this is not the complete worst thing I’ve ever woken up to, but it’s probably top five. I don’t have my Bible handy, but Kim Kardashian having a legitimate music career is definitely one of the Seven Signs of the Apocolypse, right?
Ladies and Gentleman, Don McLean was wrong – TODAY is the day the music died.. Enjoy!
Since my Momma raised me right, here are five things that I like about Jam :-
01 – The chorus is good. Like, really good. I woke up 18 minutes ago now and I’ve literally had ‘They playing my jam, They playing my jam’ going round and round my head ever since. By my calculations, that would be AT LEAST 270 times it’s repeated to date.
02 – At least she’s a better singer than Heidi Montag. That’s not saying a lot, but still.. People Kim Kardashian is NOT a better singer than includes :- Paris Hilton, Countess Luann, Jordan. The jury is still out on the hotly anticipated “Kardashian vs. Kim Zolciak” showdown, but it is sure to be EPIC.
03 – That she’s struck a very public victory for wider racial acceptance of Autotune in pop music. For too long, Autotune has been the sole domain of Black American Rappers and, umm, Cher. Today’s highly publicized collaboration with the Autotune 3000 is a real step in the right direction. ‘Kim Kardashian : Muso-Political Activist’ – who woulda thunk it?
04 – The fact that, inevitably, she’s going to have to perform this ‘live’ at some point. Anyone who ever saw her disastrous run on Dancing With The Stars would know that the blandest Kardashian has all the live performance skills of a Frigid Llama, so hopefully we’ll finally be blessed with something even more delightfully awkward than THIS.
05 – At least it’s better than her last official recording, when she released a sex tape with Ray J. (Although, to be fair, some ad-libs of ‘Baby, do not tease my pussy’ wouldn’t have gone astray. Just saying.)
So, yeah. I’m off to (a) have a drink and (b) start working on a bunch of Jam-related foodstuff puns now. How about you?
Oscarwatch 2011 – Fashionwatch Edition
Okay, so as promised yesterday in my (soon to be) annual Oscar Prediction Blog, I would deal with a crushing 3/6 defeat by hastily putting together an Oscar Fashion rundown to distract everyone that my prognosticating abilities are really only on the level of a temperature sensitive Groundhog or a psychic octopus.
Oscar fashion is always an interesting one by the sheer virtue that, well, not that many people wear anything of any real interest to them. Well, unless their name is Bjork. I mean, The Golden Globe Awards are a veritable smorgasbord of bold colors, homemade dresses and Lara Flynn Boyle dressing up as a Ballerina, but the Oscars generally score a big fat zero in the excitement stakes. Which is why, in my rankings below, I’m awarding bonus points for those who took risks, those who made it interesting and those who, generally, are just really really pretty.
So here’s a rundown of the worst to best Oscar fashion of twenty eleven. I’m starting with the worst as, Lord knows, they’re more interesting.
WORST
Melissa Leo
Oh Melissa, Melissa, Melissa. You know I love you. Even if you ran an Oscar campaign that was the political equivalent of the last thirty minutes of Titanic. Even when you went to the SAG Awards dressed as a weather balloon from Area 51. And clearly I’m in the minority that you gave the weakest performance in your whole entire category. But really? You look like a macraméd doily. And the shoulders on your dress make you look like Joan Collins dressed as a Quarterback. Congrats on the win.
Nicole Kidman
Sometimes, you just have to wonder whether the former Mrs Tom Cruise gets dressed for award ceremonies in the dark. Other times, you just think that her running joke about letting Sunday Rose pick out her outfits wasn’t quite a joke after all..
Amy Adams
It’s no secret that I thought three time nominee Adams was going to (deservedly) pull an upset in the Best Supporting Actress field this year. What has been kept secret however is the fact that she did – by wearing this godawful dress / hair / jewelry combination that managed to make her look like an unholy hybrid of Avril Lavigne and a really bad Drag Queen. She looks all washed out and the color scheme looks like it was randomly selected on The Color Wheel From Hell.
Penelope Cruz
Things I like about this outfit :-
* The color.
* The fact that she gave birth less than a month ago and is already in better shape than I’ll ever be in my life.
* That she borrowed Salma Hayek’s cleavage for good luck
Unfortunately, none of these things make up for the fact that she looks like someone basically menstruated sequins all down the front of her dress. And no amount of boobs can make up for that. None.
Virginia Madsen
I can’t comment on this because I think you’re awesome. You owe me one though.. Candyman only gets you so many decades of goodwill.
Cate Blanchett
Cate Blanchett is one of those forward thinking fashion icons that would look even in a plain paper bag. Let’s just say that tonight was one of those nights that maybe she shoulda just worn the paper bag, cuz this space age Little House On The Praire look is doing her no favours.
Hilary Swank
One of two Black Swan inspired numbers of the evening. This is the one I hated.
James Franco
Basically, up until this point, every woman on this list looked worst than Miss Franco here. And I’m not just saying that because I want him to DO ME.
Annette Bening
Poor Annette got a lot of crap for this retro detailed number. Personally, I think she looks kind of fantastic. Plus, bonus points for bringing the clear must-have accessory of the night – Warren Beatty, who timelessly sets off any outfit perfectly.
Mila Kunis
I know I’m meant to love this, just like every single internet blogger everywhere. But there’s something that just leaves me cold about it. It’s so faded, like she’s just been left in the sun too long or something.. It needs a little punch of color somewhere to make it really pop. Because, let’s face it, when your whole entire career is built upon going down on Natalie Portman for ten minutes, you don’t really have the luxury of being subtle. Even if you sound like Meg Griffin..
Helena Bonham Carter
At first I thought her outfit was depressingly tame. And then she hiked up her skirt and suddenly I realized that my sole mission in life was to be the first person on the interwebs to make a ‘Helena Bonham-Garter’ joke. Also, her outfit is pretty awesome. Even if she should have been nominated for Alice In Wonderland instead of the The King’s Bloody Speech..
Natalie Portman
Beautiful color. Beautiful gown. But if I were a pregnant woman dressing for the Oscars, I’d celebrate my baby bump like I had a beach ball strapped to my stomach. #justsayin.
Halle Berry
Just perfect. Nude gowns at 2011 award ceremonies are kind of as commonplace as reality tv stars leaking sex tapes to launch their careers, but this gown was just stunning and had the right combination of subtlety and WOW.
Reese Witherspoon
Oh yay – it’s Legally Blonde Barbie! I feel bad I couldn’t find a better picture to do the amazingness of this Mattel-inspired outfit justice, but it’s just the perfect blend of style, class and prom queen perfection.
J-Hud
Damn! I don’t know who this Jennifer Hudson impersonator is, but she is looking mighty fine! And wearing a Jersey Shore shaded gown was easily one of the most genuinely bold fashion choices of the evening. Kadoos!
Scarlett Johannson
I think this is just gorgeous. Sure, it’s about two steps away from being a curtain in an 80’s Bordello, but the colour and cut just smoulder on Scarlett making for a fun, sexy and individual look. And I’m not just saying that because I would totally do her because it’s as close as I’ll ever get to putting it in Ryan Reynolds.
Sharon Stone
And here we have the Black Swan inspired outfit that DIDN’T make me want to thrown my vodka-soaked self off my balcony. One of the night’s more divisive looks, but I think Shazza carries it off with poise and panache. I would almost call it fierce, but I’m not Tyra Banks so I don’t have exclusive ridiculous rights to the damned word.
Helen Mirren
One day, when I’m a sixty year old woman (and, basically, I’m a 29 year old gay male, so it’s kind of the same thing), I will use Helen Mirren as my fashion icon. On my wardrobe will be written, in giant letter ‘What Would Helen Mirren Do’. And the answer to that would, generally, ‘just be awesome’. She’ll never top this, but she’ll come damned close..
Hailee Steinfeld
It’s dangerous letting a child actor pick their own outfits for the Oscars. Mostly because you end up with things like THIS. So, hats off to whoever has run Hailee’s award season fashion campaign, it’s been pretty much flawless. Personally, I liked the SAG Awards Liquorice All Sort inspired number better, but this is just all sorts of age-appropriate perfection. Winsomely beautiful. I actually didn’t realise that this was my favourite of the night until I started writing up all the outfits from worst to first. Congrats Hailee – be glad you didn’t win the Oscar, you’re gonna get a long, rewarding career as an amazing actress instead. (Just stop slagging off Lea Michele because that was totally lame.)
So there you have it! The nineteen most interesting looks of the night. Keep in mind, I’ve drunken over half a bottle of Vodka since I fired up my laptop, so my definition of ‘interesting’ might be, well, interesting.. G’Night!
Oscars 2011 – The From The Block Picks
As regular readers are aware, I’ve made it my cinematic mission this past month to see all of the movies nominated in the Big Six categories before the actual ceremony so, just once, I can both prognosticate and inevitably whine with a degree of authority.
So, with the 2011 Academy Awards less than twenty four hours away, I am bowing out with a respectable 12 out of 15 films viewed, which is not bad since I live in the cinematic equivalent of a third world country. I get a free pass on Biutiful since it’s not out here for another few weeks and The Town appears to be in the limbo land between cinema and DVD release. I got unlucky with Winter’s Bone which concluded it’s run four days after I decided to do this in the first place, which is a total bummer as I really REALLY wanted to see it.
Now, with the below, I’m ranking the movies and performances based on what I personally think deserves it, not on who I think will win. Although, for shits and giggles, I’m gonna take a stab at it anyway. Normally I’m actually pretty good at this, because I go purely off gut (like the time I was the only person on the face of the planet who picked Marcia Gay Harden to win for Pollock. Or the fact that I guessed Need You Know to sweep the main categories at The Grammys recently). I’ve actually found seeing all the films has made it harder as my gut is clouded with sentimentality. Oh well, here goes!
BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR
True Grit
The Fighter
Toy Story 3
The Social Network
Black Swan
The King’s Speech
The Kids Are All Right
127 Hours
Inception
Haven’t Seen :-
Winter’s Bone
First of all, I have to say that I HATE HATE HATE having ten nominees for Best Picture. HATE it. It just makes the whole category feel cheap. Scoring a Best Picture nomination now is like winning a Golden Globe award – it’s just not that hard to do. Curious to see how this one plays out. I’ll die a little inside if The King’s Speech wins. I mean, it’s a great movie that you can definitely argue a case for being one of the best movies of the year, but THE Best? It lacks a certain oomph or wow factor for me. That being said, I think it will just scrape through a win, even though there are five better movies nominated. The Social Network lacks the heart that makes someone want to vote for it, even though it’s a stronger film overall. I finally saw True Grit on Monday and was just floored by it. I can’t remember a movie in recent memory that was so epic yet soulful and intimate and moving. It’s literally a perfect movie – I went from jumping up and down in my seat to biting my nails in suspense to breaking down in tears during the beautiful, haunting epilogue. The second it finished, I knew to my very core that not only was it the best movie of the year, but one of the all time greats. If The Fighter managed to eke out a victory, I wouldn’t resent it either. I love that Toy Story 3 got nominated deservedly but, really, number 2 is the stronger movie.
Will Win : The King’s Speech
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network
Colin Firth – The King’s Speech
Jeff Bridges – True Grit
James Franco – 127 Hours
Haven’t Seen :-
Javier Bardem – Biutiful
Colin Firth pretty much has a lock on this baby this year and deservedly so. To be fair, it’s as much a recognition for a career’s worth of solid work than the performance itself (I mean, his performance in A Single Man last year was better) but it is indeed a great turn, even if he’s done better in years past. Jeff Bridges has zero chance of winning after taking it last year, which is a shame. And Jesse Eisenberg was a true revelation in The Social Network, making Mark Zuckerberg both sympathetic and a sociopath. Mark Wahlberg for The Fighter and Ryan Gosling for Blue Valentine were both robbed of nominations, particularly Gosling. Even though it didn’t have a shot in hell, Leonardo DiCaprio in Shutter Island was amazing too and James Frecheville in Animal Kingdom was just heartbreaking.
Will Win : Colin Firth – The King’s Speech
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Michelle Williams – Blue Valentine
Natalie Portman – Black Swan
Annette Bening – The Kids Are All Right
Nicole Kidman – Rabbit Hole
Haven’t Seen :-
Jennifer Lawrence – Winter’s Bone
This is basically like the Best Actor race all over again with the second best performance of the year being a lock. To paraphrase my man Kanye – yo Natalie Portman, imma let you finish but Michelle Williams gave one of the best performances OF ALL TIME. Clearly, the academy didn’t get around to seeing the heartbreaking Blue Valentine (hence it’s total snub in the Best Picture race where it would have been number two on my list, not to mention it’s snub for Ryan Gosling and, particularly, it’s amazingly creative direction). Michelle Williams gives that kind of haunting, naked, full bodied performance that just stays with you for days and days without being able to shake it. It’s truly an acting master class. That being said, Natalie Portman is a completely deserving winner for Black Swan and gives a fearless performance that makes the movie work when it could have slipped off the deep end easily. Annette Bening’s early award season momentum always puzzled me. It’s like The King’s Speech of performance – it rightly deserves to be on any shortlist of the year, but not at the top of said shortlist. On the plus side, at least she’s not going to get beaten by Hilary Swank for a third time..
Will Win : Natalie Portman – Black Swan
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Mark Ruffalo (and his amazing, AMAZING ass) – The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush – The King’s Speech
Christian Bale – The Fighter
Haven’t Seen :-
Jeremy Renner – The Town
John Hawkes – Winter’s Bone
This is the hardest in a lot of ways as the top three keep changing around in my mind. Geoffrey Rush is at the top of his game giving his most human and non-theatrical (ironically, since it was originally conceived and written as a play) since Lantana. But it’s pretty much a co-lead performance, which always feels like a little bit of a cheat. Christian Bale is his usual amazing self but, whether rightly or wrongly, the bug eyed weight loss thing is starting to feel like performance schtick, even though that’s not really fair. Mark Ruffalo gives a sexy, earthy performance as the sperm donor who becomes a Dad in suburban family drama The Kids Are All Right. Bringing just the right mix of tenderness, selfishness and sheer charisma to a difficult role, Ruffalo has rarely been more charming, although I could have just been biased by his amazing, amazing ass that deserves an award all of it’s own as it’s on screen almost as much as Ruffalo is.
Will Win : Geoffrey Rush – The King’s Speech
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Amy Adams – The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld – True Grit
Jacki Weaver – Animal Kingdom
Helena Bonham Carter – The King’s Speech
Melissa Leo – The Fighter
Finally – A category where I’ve seen all five nominees! Even better, this is probably the most wide open category of the night. Melissa Leo was a lock until she kind of sunk herself by openly funding her own campaign for the little naked gold man (using truly awful, awful photos) and then lying about it. That’s the funny thing with The Oscars – you’re not meant to openly admit how badly you want it. Heck, Sandra Bullock cruised her way to gold last year (*sigh*) purely by nonchalantly pretending not to care. Kind of glad for poor Leo though as, even though she’s brilliant in The Fighter, I just think the other four performances are better. That’s hardly a slight as she’s in amazing company, I just think it’s overrated as a performance, especially compared to Jacki Weaver who plays a much more subtle, complicated take on a similar character in the underrated Australian gem Animal Kingdom.
Hailee Steinfeld is an absolute plucky eye opener in True Grit and is truly the movie’s heart. It’s a jaw-dropping role, but it’s hard to tell how much of it is her own acting ability propelling it forward, or just masterful direction and writing. That’s actually the hardest part for a young actor, it’s not that the Academy is afraid to reward you at such an early age, it’s that it’s hard to know whether you gave a great performance or just were utilized well. Plus, she’s in ever. single. damned. scene of the movie. It’s not just A lead role, it’s THE lead role. I’m torn whether that will work against her.
For my money, Amy Adams was just perfect in The Fighter, taking a stock role and giving it real strength, depth and scrappy heart. It’s an incredibly tough, enjoyable and likable performance and Lord knows that, like both Bonham-Carter and Leo, she’s well overdue for gold. In the toughest category to pick on the night, she might just be able to scrape through.
Will Win : Amy Adams (at a pinch). Otherwise, Steinfeld. Either way, the world wins.
BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING
David Fincher – The Social Network
Ethan Coen, Joel Coen – True Grit
Darren Aronofsky – Black Swan
Tom Hooper – The King’s Speech
David O. Russell – The Fighter
YAY – another category I’ve seen all five. Really, Danny Boyle (as much as it pains me to say it) was totally robbed for a nomination this year as he would have a strong case for winning as it’s his direction that makes 127 Hours work so unexpectedly well. So too Christopher Nolan – Inception may has been a big soulless Rubiks Cube of a movie, but the sheer vision and skill he bought to the table was nothing short of jaw-dropping.
I’ve basically moved Fincher and The Coen Brothers back and forth back and forth in my head the latter part of this week. I actually just did it again right after I typed that sentence. True Grit is a real master class in directing – the sheer visual poetry and fantastic, unexpected performances both are award worthy, but the movie is lacking any real awards season momentum when it comes to top prizes. And, really, what Fincher accomplishes in The Social Network is extraordinary. The movie literally buzzes with this intense, kinetic energy that so perfectly encapsulates the world that these men live in, you feel like you’ve been literally hard-wired into the world wide web as you watch. Plus, he’s one of the single best directors of all time (same could be said for Aronofsky – such a shame he was never nominated for the sublime Requiem For A Dream).
Will Win : David Fincher – The Social Network
So, there you go kids! What do you think? I’ll stop back in twelve hours to either gloat or to post seventeen new entries to try and hide how woefully I did. To be honest, I’m not as confident as I normally am – I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve misread both supporting categories (I blame Mark Ruffalo’s hypnotically beautiful butt). Either way, I’m looking forward to seeing it all play out and, no matter what, this time tomorrow I’ll have so many badly dressed celebrities to mock that it will be like all my Gay Christmas’s have come at once.
the from the block blog 
