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Dear John Volume 2

April 10, 2011

I’m packing up all these feelings into a box and working to forget them, so I just wanted to make sure I had them somewhere because i guess what we (could’ve) had deserves to be remembered in some way.

I really liked you.  Like, painfully liked you.

To be honest, I fell in love with you.  Not loved, but in love.  And those are two very different things.

Its funny – I truly genuinely didn’t ever, EVER think that that would happen to me again in my life.  I don’t know how I feel about that either – am I meant to be grateful?  Or should I be extra pissed because I was lucky to get a second shot and it ended so awfully?

I actually could have seen myself growing old with you.  That’s so weird, because I never feel that about anyone.  I mean, guys feel that about me but it’s always a one way street.

I could actually imagine introducing you to my Mum and her being really happy.  You would have loved her, by the way.  She’s an even better cook than me as well.

I feel like my right arm has been cut off a bit this past week.  Like, I not just lost the first guy I’ve had any feelings about in over three years, but I lost one of my best friends.  That sucks.

I don’t really understand why it had to be this way but, you know, oh well.  I really could have been friends with you.  I guess you’re just in a place right now where you don’t have anything to give.  Hopefully you come out the other side soon enough, for your sake.  You’re a really cool guy, in spite of everything.

I really would have made you happier than any guy in the world possibly could have.  I knew that from the moment I met you, way before I even started having feelings for you.  It’s just one of those super obvious things, a blind person could see it.

I don’t really know what’s going on with you so I don’t know how to help you.  I guess I have my suspicions but there’s only a certain amount of times you can push a person away before they have to have some self-respect and not come back.

This is one of those times.

I’m not going to pursue you or try and reconnect.

That being said, if you ever want to rebuild a friendship or anything else down the track, I’d be very happy to hear from you.  It’s just that I won’t make the first move.

To be honest, I don’t know if you ever will, I don’t know if you have that in you.  I hope you do though – this really can’t be all that was meant to be of this.

Try and remember the good times though buddy – that first night when we had dinner and then curled up on the couch and you kissed me, that is one of the happiest memories I’ll ever have.  When it was just the two of us without the world butting in, things just felt so true and perfect.  It was like finding a missing half that you didn’t even know existed.

Hopefully I’ll hear from you sometime soon.

Regardless, I don’t have any ill will and I hope you find what you’re looking for in Melbourne.

I always liked you, just the way you were..



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