So, this was *meant* to be the entry where I do my standard ‘post-break up’ online evisceration of Michael but, instead, in the interest of hopefully preserving some sort of friendship down the track I’m going to do something COMPLETELY OUT OF THE ORDINARY and talk about me. Shocking, right? Like – Pia Toscano being elimated from American Idol last night levels of shocking. Or, Matt spending 217 days on Redemption Island, returning to the game and basically voting hisself straight back out there shocking. Because it’s SO unlike a single gay man in his late twenties to be completely self absorbed. As I said – SHOCKING.
It occurred to me on my walk home from the gym tonight that, said cyber evisceration might not be the most conducive thing to trying to resurrect a friendship down the track. And, even though I’m probably being a complete idiot in light of all the recent douchebaggery that’s gone down this past couple of days, I refuse to give up hope that the person who single handedly had more in common with me than anyone I have met in my. whole. life. was meant to only be in it for such a short period. Then again, despite what pretty much everyone seems to think of me in the real world, I’m actually a closet optimist when it comes to people. Ssshh though – that’s our little secret..
But yeah – this week wasn’t my favourite ever. But it was amazing in the sense that it really reminded me of a lot of things that I ever so conveniently forget in those microscopic periods of time where I actually genuinely like a guy. The thing is, to my very core, I just know that I’m never ever going to find the love of my life until I’ve accomplished the things that God put me here to do. And, I don’t mean lame things like ‘compete in a reality television show constantly babbling on about God’s divine plan etc etc.’ or anything famewhorey like that. I mean, writing. I just know it, in the same way I just know there is indeed a God. Or that the sun will come out tomorrow (shout out to Little Orphan Annie – in da house!) I’ve known it for a long time. I’ve known it since I was a teenager. So I should just stop acting so fucking surprised whenever some emotional engagement I make falls completely down the shitter. Of course it will and of course it always will – until I’ve accomplished what I was put here to do.
The thing is, when I fall for a guy, I fall well and proper. And when I’m in love, I don’t lose myself, but my partner becomes the most important person in my life. Because, if you’re going to actually take on a proper partner, they should be. And I realized this week, when I was busy daydreaming about picket fences and children’s names and the like, that getting involved with this would be the start of the final chapter of my life. And I haven’t gotten a lot of things done yet.
I know a lot of people dream about being something more than they are. But I really am. I mean – seriously? Flight Centre is not my life. Working some shitty glorified sales position is not my calling. Spending day in day out with the same stupid genuine faux smile plastered on my face is not the height of what I can do. And I don’t want to spend my twilight years wondering whether the music I wrote was really good enough to be a breakaway pop hit. I don’t want to wonder whether the screenplays I’m working on could have made me the next Kevin Williamson. And Lord knows it’s inexcusable that I haven’t updated this fucking thing in over a month.
In a lot of ways, I really wonder whether I’m meant to ever get a guy. Like, from when I was born, I was given this amazing gift of being so self-possessed and secured and self-contained. I don’t *need* people the way most people need people (like – who am I? Barbara fucking Streisand?) In a lot of ways, I’m like the emotional equivalent of a Monet – I’m meant to be admired from afar. Because that’s what I get – ALL THE TIME. Guys fall for me but never want me once they get up close. And that’s fine, because clearly the plan in store for me is not for me to be starting to pick out nursery colour schemes and pet bunny rabbits just yet.
I guess I just want to get it started, you know? I’ve spent over a decade now doing the half-assed songwriter thing. I swear, my greatest enemy to success will always be the fact that it comes so frickin’ easy for me. Like, I can knock out an emotional devastating instantly memorable tune in five minutes flat. So there’s never any sense of urgency with it, no sense of real need. Because it’s so natural. And really, I have a way with a hook that would make Max Martin green with envy.
All I’ve ever wanted was to be able to write things that make people feel things. Like, the best part of writing music is that, in three and half minutes, you can make any single person in entire world feel comforted, or elated, or just feel like they’re not alone. And that’s why it’s my favourite medium to write – because it’s so universal and transparent. Music is like the mathematics of the real world. It’s a universal language.
And for some reason, I’ve been given the gift of being able to write it. Call it God, call it whatever – but I’ve got some sort of purpose that is, in a lot of ways, grander than what a lot of people have been born with. And I should stop wasting my time with douchebaggy dudes who just inevitably try to crush it. Unintentionally, mind you, but still.. They’re good though – because they’re the ones that give me that universal pain that is so amazing to write from. Which is why I don’t resent situations like this, because it helps me get it.
At my core, I’ve always been an entertainer. It’s just what I do. Like, all my facebook friends – I wake up each day and write something to make them laugh. Not some pathetic regurgitated stolen joke , or anything like that. But something from the faux repertoire I’ve built up as this gay male Bridget Jones character that I seem to have accidently constructed this past year. It makes people happy, and that’s awesome. Like, who doesn’t want that? Clearly, in life right now, I’m not meant to get the guy, so shouldn’t I at least entertain all the others that do? You can’t be the one making jokes if you’re involved in the action. And, if I’m not good at anything else, I’m definitely good at entertaining. And I’m quite content with that right now, because someone has to..
Did you hear that?
Yeah, the guy said
“Honey, you’re a funny girl”
I just keep them in stitches
Doubled in half
And though I may be all wrong for a guy
I’m good for a laugh
I guess it’s not funny
Life is far from sunny
When the laugh is over
And the joke’s on you
A girl oughta have a sense of humor
That’s one thing you really need for sure
When you’re a funny girl
The fella said, “A funny girl”
Honey, how it ain’t so funny