Blowbacks

Just found this going through an old journal of mine.  One of my favourites, partially because I really love the melody on the chorus and partly because I like how wistful and sad it is about something that, at the time, was very raw and hard and painful.  As a writer, I always like finding an ugliness and an honesty in a moment and trying to make then both beautiful and real at the same time.

Plus, it reminds me of Michael, obviously, since it’s very specifically about that relationship and how I felt in the aftermath of it all once I moved back to Australia.  I wrote this in about five minutes and whenever I read it I literally feel like I’m looking at a Polaroid, it’s such a clear moment in time for me.  The only thing I’ve ever changed I can never decide whether to call it Blowbacks or When The Sun Goes Out.  Thoughts?

i’ve got a song in my heart
some kind of broken hearted torch
but i can’t keep from wondering
what’s really going on in yours

and i move on every friday night
but i never get very far
i’ve shared myself so many times lying
in the backseat of my car

(chrous)
who’s gonna give me blowbacks now?
who’s gonna blow me when i’m coming down?
who’s gonna hold me in the crowd?
who’s gonna love me when the sun goes out?

i can’t believe that you’re with him
i thought that we’d have our chance again
i can’t believe you moved on so quick
i hope he makes you feel the worst of it

i can’t believe the things you said
they made me wish that i were dead
there must be something that i missed
cuz i’ve never been so wrong with things like this

who’s gonna give me blowbacks now?
who’s gonna fuck me when i’m coming down?
who’s gonna hold me in the crowd?
who’s gonna love me when the sun goes out?

are you drinking with the dirty boys again?
i hope you think of me when you’re trying to think of them..

i’ve been in love exactly once
i know what it’s like to fall
and i’ve been oh so close to distance
above it all

and now you’re gone and i’m alone and i don’t know which way to go
and you pushed and pushed me to forgive and forget and forget oh and then you left

who’s gonna give me blowbacks now?
who’s gonna kiss me when i’m coming down?
who’s gonna hold me in the crowd?
who’s gonna love me when the sun goes out?