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Oscarwatch 2011 – Fashionwatch Edition

February 28, 2011

Okay, so as promised yesterday in my (soon to be) annual Oscar Prediction Blog, I would deal with a crushing 3/6 defeat by hastily putting together an Oscar Fashion rundown to distract everyone that my prognosticating abilities are really only on the level of a temperature sensitive Groundhog or a psychic octopus.

Oscar fashion is always an interesting one by the sheer virtue that, well, not that many people wear anything of any real interest to them.  Well, unless their name is Bjork.  I mean, The Golden Globe Awards are a veritable smorgasbord of bold colors, homemade dresses and Lara Flynn Boyle dressing up as a Ballerina, but the Oscars generally score a big fat zero in the excitement stakes.  Which is why, in my rankings below, I’m awarding bonus points for those who took risks, those who made it interesting and those who, generally, are just really really pretty.

So here’s a rundown of the worst to best Oscar fashion of twenty eleven.  I’m starting with the worst as, Lord knows, they’re more interesting.

WORST

Melissa Leo

Oh Melissa, Melissa, Melissa.  You know I love you.  Even if you ran an Oscar campaign that was the political equivalent of the last thirty minutes of Titanic.  Even when you went to the SAG Awards dressed as a weather balloon from Area 51.  And clearly I’m in the minority that you gave the weakest performance in your whole entire category.  But really?  You look like a macraméd doily.  And the shoulders on your dress make you look like Joan Collins dressed as a Quarterback.  Congrats on the win.

Nicole Kidman

Sometimes, you just have to wonder whether the former Mrs Tom Cruise gets dressed for award ceremonies in the dark.  Other times, you just think that her running joke about letting Sunday Rose pick out her outfits wasn’t quite a joke after all..

Amy Adams

It’s no secret that I thought three time nominee Adams was going to (deservedly) pull an upset in the Best Supporting Actress field this year.  What has been kept secret however is the fact that she did – by wearing this godawful dress / hair / jewelry combination that managed to make her look like an unholy hybrid of Avril Lavigne and a really bad Drag Queen.  She looks all washed out and the color scheme looks like it was randomly selected on The Color Wheel From Hell.

Penelope Cruz

Things I like about this outfit :-

* The color.

* The fact that she gave birth less than a month ago and is already in better shape than I’ll ever be in my life.

* That she borrowed Salma Hayek’s cleavage for good luck

Unfortunately, none of these things make up for the fact that she looks like someone basically menstruated sequins all down the front of her dress.  And no amount of boobs can make up for that.  None.

Virginia Madsen

I can’t comment on this because I think you’re awesome.  You owe me one though..  Candyman only gets you so many decades of goodwill.

Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett is one of those forward thinking fashion icons that would look even in a plain paper bag.  Let’s just say that tonight was one of those nights that maybe she shoulda just worn the paper bag, cuz this space age Little House On The Praire look is doing her no favours.

Hilary Swank


One of two Black Swan inspired numbers of the evening.  This is the one I hated.

James Franco


Basically, up until this point, every woman on this list looked worst than Miss Franco here.  And I’m not just saying that because I want him to DO ME.

Annette Bening


Poor Annette got a lot of crap for this retro detailed number.  Personally, I think she looks kind of fantastic.  Plus, bonus points for bringing the clear must-have accessory of the night – Warren Beatty, who timelessly sets off any outfit perfectly.

Mila Kunis


I know I’m meant to love this, just like every single internet blogger everywhere.  But there’s something that just leaves me cold about it.  It’s so faded, like she’s just been left in the sun too long or something..  It needs  a little punch of color somewhere to make it really pop.  Because, let’s face it, when your whole entire career is built upon going down on Natalie Portman for ten minutes, you don’t really have the luxury of being subtle.  Even if you sound like Meg Griffin..

Helena Bonham Carter


At first I thought her outfit was depressingly tame.  And then she hiked up her skirt and suddenly I realized that my sole mission in life was to be the first person on the interwebs to make a ‘Helena Bonham-Garter’ joke.  Also, her outfit is pretty awesome.  Even if she should have been nominated for Alice In Wonderland instead of the The King’s Bloody Speech..

Natalie Portman


Beautiful color.  Beautiful gown.  But if I were a pregnant woman dressing for the Oscars, I’d celebrate my baby bump like I had a beach ball strapped to my stomach.  #justsayin.

Halle Berry


Just perfect.  Nude gowns at 2011 award ceremonies are kind of as commonplace as reality tv stars leaking sex tapes to launch their careers, but this gown was just stunning and had the right combination of subtlety and WOW.

Reese Witherspoon


Oh yay  – it’s Legally Blonde Barbie!  I feel bad I couldn’t find a better picture to do the amazingness of this Mattel-inspired outfit justice, but it’s just the perfect blend of style, class and prom queen perfection.

J-Hud


Damn!  I don’t know who this Jennifer Hudson impersonator is, but she is looking mighty fine!  And wearing a Jersey Shore shaded gown was easily one of the most genuinely bold fashion choices of the evening.  Kadoos!

Scarlett Johannson


I think this is just gorgeous.  Sure, it’s about two steps away from being a curtain in an 80’s Bordello, but the colour and cut just smoulder on Scarlett making for a fun, sexy and individual look.  And I’m not just saying that because I would totally do her because it’s as close as I’ll ever get to putting it in Ryan Reynolds.

Sharon Stone


And here we have the Black Swan inspired outfit that DIDN’T make me want to thrown my vodka-soaked self off my balcony.  One of the night’s more divisive looks, but I think Shazza carries it off with poise and panache.  I would almost call it fierce, but I’m not Tyra Banks so I don’t have exclusive ridiculous rights to the damned word.

Helen Mirren


One day, when I’m a sixty year old woman (and, basically, I’m a 29 year old gay male, so it’s kind of the same thing), I will use Helen Mirren as my fashion icon.  On my wardrobe will be written, in giant letter ‘What Would Helen Mirren Do’.  And the answer to that would, generally, ‘just be awesome’.  She’ll never top this, but she’ll come damned close..

Hailee Steinfeld


It’s dangerous letting a child actor pick their own outfits for the Oscars.  Mostly because you end up with things like THIS. So, hats off to whoever has run Hailee’s award season fashion campaign, it’s been pretty much flawless.  Personally, I liked the SAG Awards Liquorice All Sort inspired number better, but this is just all sorts of age-appropriate perfection.  Winsomely beautiful.  I actually didn’t realise that this was my favourite of the night until I started writing up all the outfits from worst to first.  Congrats Hailee – be glad you didn’t win the Oscar, you’re gonna get a long, rewarding career as an amazing actress instead.  (Just stop slagging off Lea Michele because that was totally lame.)

So there you have it!  The nineteen most interesting looks of the night.  Keep in mind, I’ve drunken over half a bottle of Vodka since I fired up my laptop, so my definition of ‘interesting’ might be, well, interesting..  G’Night!

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