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If I Come Undone, It Wouldn’t Make Sense To Depend On You

April 25, 2011

Have been thinking a lot (SHOCK! HORROR! Right?) the past week coming to terms with everything that happened with Michael and had quite the strange realization.  So much of what happened with him running off to Melbourne and just generally being pretty (whether intentionally or not) cruel was pretty much EXACTLY the same thing as last Michael (NYC Michael?  Michael One?  M1?  Help me out peeps – this is going to get totes confusion otherwise..) did to me a couple of years ago.  So, basically, I’ve fallen in love twice, had my heart broken twice, in the exact same way.  Funny, huh?

Now, this isn’t going to be some sort of online takedown of either of them since, to a degree, it’s shame on me for getting myself involved right in the middle of someone having a complete breakdown (even if, this time around, I had no idea at the time), but still.

It gets even funnier still if I get all Freudian with it and realize that it’s basically the exact. same. pattern. I established with the breakdown of my relationship with my Dad.  Like, I only realized this recently and Man it is FUCKED UP (<–Funnier if you say it in a Black voice, FYI).

It makes me wonder, now that the three time pattern has established somewhat irrefutable mathematical probability, whether I have some sort of attraction to such broken, weak men?  Like, let’s be fair – I’m the constant in this scenario.  And not just because I’m totally self-absorbed, but for real real.  I’m so picky about who I get involved with yet, every time, the exact same thing goes wrong.  It’s so weird..

I’m sure part of it is that guys that are so weak and fundamentally broken are attracted to someone like me, because I’m nurturing and bubbly and fun and attentive and completely confident and secure with who I am as a person.  Plus, you know, I’m kind of awesome in bed, which helps.  I guess whenever people find themselves attracted to someone, most of the time it’s because that person has something they want, or a quality they aspire to.  I just wonder what exactly it is..  I mean, most guys I meet it’s just that they want to fuck me (my ass is kind of the eighth wonder of the world) or have me spin them around on my junk like a pinwheel – depending on which bar I’m at, I guess.  And that’s fine, because I get the physical aspect of it all and I’m comfortable with that.  Most guys don’t get my energy and my personality and, just generally, who I am as a person.  It’s those few that do that really hurt when you inevitably get rejected to some degree.  So, basically, The Michaels.

The other thing I realized the other day is that, at the ripe old age of 29, I’ve still NEVER had a guy in my life that I can really, truly rely on.  Like – never ever.  I mean, I’m not perfect by any means, but I’m completely reliable.  I’ve never had a guy in my life (that I’ve been in love with) that, when things get hard, doesn’t just run the other way.  How messed up is that?  My Dad could never have an honest conversation with me about what he did for a living.  M1 could never stop partying and revolving around his ex for me.  M2 (say it like ‘M squared’) couldn’t even hang around Sydney for a few months to see if this was real.  Or make me feel like I mattered more than his ex boyfriend.  Or say goodbye when he left Sydney.  Or even ever have an honest open conversation just about where his head was at and what he felt.  It’s so sad.

Just once, I’d like someone I could rely on, someone I could trust in not to just break.  I want someone who wants me more than they want the easy way out.  Even after all the crap M2 has put me through these past few weeks, I’d have still forgiven him in about a second if he asked me to.  I was already prepared to uproot my whole life to Melbourne for him, I just wanted to know that the whole relationship wouldn’t be another emotional one way street.  Like, I don’t mind a guy being all take in the bedroom, but emotionally it’d be nice to know there is potential for some back and forth.

I dunno, on some level, it’s probably my fault.  I just don’t know how to adjust my field of vision so I spot this kind of loserdom earlier in the process.  In my whole life I’ve only loved two guys and both of them have hurt me so badly.  In the exact same way.  CLEARLY, I have a type (actually as some of my close friends know, this is truer apparently than any of us ever realized!) but how do I move forward from this and learn from it?  I still don’t know where I went wrong.  And I still don’t know how to not want what I want.

That’s the annoying part, because I almost never want guys ever.  I’m that rare breed of person who truly, genuinely doesn’t need anyone at all.  Not in some weird anti-social Unabomber kind of way, but just that I’ve always been fine on my own and always been content with myself.  But the two Michaels are the only two people in my life, ever (besides maybe my Mum) that I could ever imagine myself needing.  Or wanting to be able to.  It’s actually a really big thing, as pathetic as it sounds.

Even worse is how badly I want him back.  Honestly, I think my biggest dorkiest romantic fantasy in life is that one day I’ll pretty have my life turn into the end of Love Story by Taylor Swift.  You know, basically everything from the ‘I got tired of waiting..’ part (at the 2:39 mark) onwards.  Seriously – I listen to it and it always makes me kind of cry.  I guess that’s my big secret – I’m really just a seventeen year old girl (with a bigger rack).

It’s fine, like whatever.  It’s just one of those wounds that’ll take a long time to heal.  I have plenty of guys in the last few weeks gladly offering to distract me.  Who knows – maybe one of them will pan out?  It’s just that, I dunno.. Every day when I would go to work I would look forward to talking to him.  Literally, it was like he was the best part of my every day.  When I had crappy things happen, he was the first I wanted to call – it’s been so long since I’ve had ANYONE I wanted to lean on, I’m actually not that big on leaning on other people, it’s not really what I do.  There’s not a lot of people I trust to comfort me and I’m normally pretty good at doing it myself.  That really just sounded like one big metaphor for masturbation, didn’t it?

Anyways, I should stop moping – evidently it’s not one of my 73 Most Attractive Looks.   And anyways, based on my current track record, I’m due to meet and fall in love with another Michael circa 2016/2017.  And since they pretty much look EXACTLY THE SAME, he shouldn’t be hard to spot!  Sweeeeeeeeeeet.  Maybe I’ll even be able to rely on this one..

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