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10 Things Americans Should Be Afraid Of Now Bin Laden is Dead..

May 3, 2011

As you may have heard, yesterday, the USA has managed to finally end the reign of terror of one of the worst war criminals in modern history.  HUZZAH.  Ding Dong Bin Laden’s Dead – which old Bin Laden?  OSAMA Bin Laden, etc.  Provided this is all officially confirmed and it’s not just some identical imposter (because, that was funny in Arrested Development, but less so IRL..) this is a great day for humanity.  Seriously.  Sorry, everything I write these days seems to sound sarcastic, even when I’m being dead serious.  See what I mean – dead serious?  Even that sounds like a pun.. *sigh*

The problem is, 2012 is an election year, and what common enemy are the competing parties supposed to try and unite the American Public in fear of now?  The Bin Laden gravy train has been a good one for the last decade, but now what?  So, whilst America is breaking out the party streamers and mid-strength beers, here’s a helpful list of things that would make great common enemies in the upcoming election year :-

01 – Bears


Because we’re all sick of living in constant fear of bear attacks and all the subsequent tax hikes that come with them.  Remember – we don’t pay the Bear Tax, we pay the Homer tax.  Let the bears pay the Bear Tax.

02 – The Fact that Sarah Palin can see Russia from her House


Even though Palin 2012 is becoming less and less of a reality (unless Bristol decides to get political, which given the amount of votes her ‘dancing’ got her on Dancing With The Stars, could be a possibility) there are more important Palin-related things to be afraid.  Like the fact that SHE CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM HER HOOOSE.  I mean – what is she?  Some sort of super cyber-visioned superhuman?  Right now, she just using her super powers to spy on The Russians, but what next people, WHAT NEXT?

03 – Donald Trump’s Hair


Forget the controversy over Obama’s citizenship.  I’m more curious to what percentage of The Don is an American citizen.  He looks like an Oompa Loompa with a weave that would put most of dowtown Detroit to shame.  Plus, I’m pretty sure at least 93% of his hair is made in China.  Just sayin..

04 – Nene Leakes


BAM!  Because any woman with enough street game to have Star Jones quaking in her stylish yet affordable boots has got to be the biggest threat to national security since Saddam Hussein.  Or Mothra..

Now where’s Barbara Walters?  NOW WHERE’S BARBARA WALTERS?

Don’t tell me THIS isn’t the true face of fear people..

05 – That President Obama managed to produce such a convincing fraudulent Birth Certificate


Because, CLEARLY, it’s not like he was actually, you know, actually born in the US or anything.  I mean, it has to pretty easy to B.S. your way into the Oval Office or Trump wouldn’t be attempting the Exact. Same. Thing.

06 – The Metric System


How much simpler would life be if everything was measured in increments of 10’s and 100’s and 1000’s?  Heresy.  Please don’t burn me at the stake like every other person who has proposed this since the 1700’s, mmmkay?

07 – Scream 4


A smart, scary and intellectually thrilling horror movie?  Say it ain’t so, American movie going public.  One of the scariest films to come out all year which, judging by the Box Office receipts, only 57 of you are going to watch..

08 – Princess Beatrice’s Royal Wedding Hat


Clearly a weapon of mass destruction.  Or a fancy cat flap?  Either way, it must be stopped!

09 – Lady Gaga


On top of the fact that she recently gestated inside of some giant egg, constantly challenges organized religion and seems to have completely taken over Glee, now her leaked artwork for her new album cover seems to have revealed that she’s some half human, half motorcycle hybrid.  It’s like T2 all over again!  Sure, she probably only wants to kill Sarah Conner for now, but what next people, WHAT NEXT?

10 – A 3rd Generation Bush Running for President


Because with the rate that drunken, entitled Republicans procreate, you just KNOW there’s another one out there.  Waiting.  <insert Jaws music here>

Any other ideas?  USA! USA! USA! etc..

(I normally abhor doing this, because any good satiric piece should stand on it’s own two feet, but clearly, I think the events of yesterday are a fantastic step forward in hopefully helping to heal one of the great tragedies of our era and no offense is intended AT ALL.  As those who know me know, New York is pretty much a second home to me and I think that the USA and it’s people are kind of the greatest ever, I just like to gently mock that which I love sometimes.. Peace)

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