Having just crowned our 28th (28th!) Champ mere hours ago, what better time to stroll down Survivor Memory Lane (N.B. Not a real place, although probably the working title for a majority of the seasons we’ve had this decade) and update our Epic countdown from last few years (see previously editions HERE and HERE).
Now, we’re the first to tell you that there is genuinely no one set way to win the game – besides getting to the end and receiving a majority of the votes (are you listening Russell?) – and that’s what makes coming up with an objective and definitive ranking a hard task indeed. Every player comes from a different deck of cards, so we’re assessing them on how well they played with the hand they were dealt. We’re grading them on their individual winning game so, while Parvati may overall be considered the greatest female player of all time, only her winning game in Micronesia is deemed relevant to this discussion.
Points will be awarded for various things, for example :-
- CONTROL – How much control contestants had in getting themselves to the end and how much of that winning journey was actively planned.
- GAME AWARENESS – How well the contestant read the game and tribal dynamics over 39 days and made deliberate and informed choices, versus stumbling ass backwards into a win.
- DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY – How many obstacles were on their road to victory (whether it be game structure, fellow competitors or even their own personal limitations).
- CHALLENGE WINS/IDOL PLAY – While Terry Deitz-ing your way to the Final 3 may look impressive on the surface, the elite players never need to rely on an Immunity Idol or Necklace in order to survive a vote unscathed. Now, being able to work one or both into your overall strategy is a different story, but a truly great game isn’t defined by something as arbitrary as how good one is at glorified carnival games..
- JURY MANAGEMENT – As stated above, the only single way to win Survivor is to convince a Jury of your previously eliminated peers to give you a majority of votes at the end. How much of this factored into their gameplay and how many of these eventual votes were *for* them, versus just being the lucky recipient of BJS (Bitter Jury Syndrome).
- SHEER LUCK – Whether good or bad, luck will always play a factor in the game of Survivor. How a player maximises or minimises their own is the real testament to their overall skill.
So, without further ado, lets start from the bottom (and no, for once we DON’T mean Sash)..
28. NATALIE WHITE – SAMOA
Hands down the most maligned Survivor winner OF ALL TIME, due to her shocking (SHOCKING) defeat of Russell Hantz a few years back. Whilst her social game was approximately one million times more impressive than said bandy-legged troll (on account of her actually, ya know, HAVING ONE), she loses major points because going into the Final Tribal Council, not one single person from that jury was even planning on voting for White (they were split between Hantz and apparently feckless Dr Mick) – but she won them over with her thoughtful and honest answers.
Plus, she beat a rat to death with a stick. I mean – what’s not to love? :-
BEST MOVE : Orchestrating the pivotal merge boot of (the incredibly sexy) Erik, that set the whole Galu post-merge crumble in motion.
SHOULD HAVE WON : *sigh* Russell. Whilst his social game was just AWFUL, he did play an incredible strategic game and changed the way Survivor was played forever.
27. BOB CROWLEY – GABON
Who? GaBob sauntered along most of season 17 half-asleep, crafting a few (admittedly impressive) fake immunity idols along the way. Loses points for the fact that he was planning to take Matty to the end who would have kicked his ass ten ways to Sunday. Also for the fact that Randy (who cast the pivotal vote for his eventual 4:3 victory) was planning to vote for Susie to win that night until she totally (and inexplicably) burned him on his jury question. That’s right people – there’s an alternate timeline out there where SUSIE SMITH IS THE WINNER OF SURVIVOR : GABON. It’s a very dark place indeed.
BEST MOVE : Playing the Granddaddy role to human waterworks Sugar, who forced the Final 4 tie that allowed him a spot in front of the Jury in the first place.
SHOULD HAVE WON : The aforementioned Tear Fountain herself. Sugar basically controlled the entire game post-merge without once becoming a target. If she had’ve actually decided to play for the title of Sole Survivor instead of just Fan Favourite, it all could have turned out so very, very different.
26. SANDRA DIAZ-TWINE – PEARL ISLANDS
Also known as the only two-time winner in Survivor’s 28 season history. Less well known for winning through sheer virtue of not being Lil or Jonny Fairplay. Gains points for pioneering and perfecting the “As Long As It Ain’t Me” voting strategy (Rob C in Survivor : Amazon played similarly, but not to the same blatantly mercenary effect Sandra did). Loses points for having no real control over her own fate in the game. While she deserves props for constantly keeping herself positioned one up from the bottom, her actual win came solely down to the fact that Final Immunity winner Lil knew she couldn’t beat either of her opponents and figured that at least if she took Sandra to the end and gave her the win, the million dollars wouldn’t be as likely to be blown on blowjobs and blow (or strippers and coke, as it was put).
DON’T TAKE OUR WORD FOR IT THOUGH – Here’s an amazing clip of Sandra’s Grade A Social Skills that won her her first cool mill. “I CAN GET LOUD TOOOOO!” :-
BEST MOVE : Openly having her vote for sale at every Tribal Council. Warring factions kept using her to vote each other out, ensuring she was a necessary vote and never the target.
SHOULD HAVE WON : Umm, no one? Is ‘no one’ an option? Pearl Islands was a rollickingly entertaining season with Tie-dyed Outcasts, ACTUAL Outcasts and Dead Grandparents Galore, but no real strong strategic players post-merge to speak of. Or, for that matter, pre-merge. Actually, quips aside, Jonny Fairplay 100% deserved the win that season and is actually an incredibly underrated and lethal player, as he immediately proved in Micronesia (at least until the prescription med withdrawal kicked in..)
There are a lot of amazing things that the internet has given us over the years – social networking, funny cat videos, PORN. But this week it managed to surpass itself. Dare I say it, but – it EVOLVED. Thanks to intrepid Buzzfeed reporter Alanna Okun and the Bermuda Triangle of Productivity that is Twitter, we now have the greatest gift the internet has ever produced. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you ….. #PokemonBookTitles
AMAZING.
AMAZING.
AMAZING.
It’s BOOKS. But with POKEMON in it! Literature AND Computer Games – it’s like my two best friends had a child and now I don’t need either of them anymore because their child is just THE BEST. Obviously, once I stumbled upon this, I couldn’t do anything BUT come up with a few of my own. Now, keeping in mind I could never hope to top the heartbreaking work of staggering genius that is Catcher In The Raichu, or 100 Years Of Geodude (and not to mention the fact that everything I learnt about photo editing I learnt from MS Paint), but here are a few classics I came up with myself, using all the finest techniques a 2007 edition Macbook can provide… So – ENJOY!
01. THE ADVENTURES OF PSYDUCKLEBERRY FINN
Considered by many to be the first Great American Novel, The Adventures Of Psyduckleberry Finn tells the (now) legendary tale of a young Pokémon traversing the notorious Mississippi River and the unlikely friendship he forges with a socially outcast Ginger Pokémon Trainer along the way.
02. THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF SEAKING
The classic 1984 post-modern masterpiece by Milan Kundera is about two women, two men and the large, orange Water Pokémon that opens their lives to the artistic and intellectual revolutions happening in Czech Society at the time.
03. THE SQUIRTLE HOUSE RULES
A touching tale of a young Squirtle who selflessly devotes his life to covertly helping Trainers dispose of unwanted Pokémon instead of subjecting them to the horrors of battle. Also an much lauded and Academy Award nominated movie of the same name, starring a then unknown Tobey Maguire as the selfless Squirtle at the centre of the story.
04. HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE JYNX
The 5th book in J.K. Rowling’s famous series finds Harry helpless as a scheming Team Rocket overthrow Professor Oaks and slowly take over the Pallet Town Pokémon Academy. Thankfully, a long dormant secret society of heroic cross-dressing Psychic Pokémon reform, and together they fight the twin forces of evil and understated fashion ennsembles.
HOLY HELL. Have you been watching Survivor this season? We’re already and the merge mark and, no joke, this season is shaping up to be a Top 5 Season of ALL TIME candidate. Seriously. It feels like a belated April Fools Day joke (coincidentally – the day I actually sat down and wrote a good chunk of this article before my general life distraction got in the way), but this 28th season of Survivor has managed to be non-stop phenomenal. Which is all the more impressive when you consider all the bad signs going in. I mean – look at all the twists. And the stunt casting. And the fact that it was filmed in some bizarro world where Survivor steals ideas from Allison Grodner’s Evil Workshop of Evilness. But, yet, here we are.
THE REAL SHOCKER THIS SEASON IS JUST HOW DAMNED GOOD IT IS..
So, what is it about this season that is making it so amazing? Firstly, the casting has been top notch. Out of the eighteen players, all of them have delivered and deserved their spot to some degree. Even the more anonymous Mactor-types have brought us either sleazily scattershot gameplay (Jeremiah) or been delightfully disdainful (Morgan). The editors has helped this by really bringing their A-Game this year and giving us equal time to get to know each contestant and nicely setting up both their game and reasons they left. Pretty much every boot so far has left us with a lasting impression of who they were as a character and been memorable to some degree (J’Tia, Garrett and Brice in particular were all TOP NOTCH casting).
GARRETT, WHO WAS ONE OF THE, ERRR, *BIGGER* CHARACTERS OF THE SEASON..
Also, not having returning players has really let these newbies shine. The thing that Probst and the suits at CBS never seem to get is that yes, while we love watching big characters being brought back, what we love even more is watching a fair fight. Keep the All Stars to All Star seasons. AWESOME. Heroes vs Villians is and probably always will be the single greatest season of a competitive reality tv show EVER. But arbitrarily mixing in a couple of returning players into a pool of newbies is never fun to watch, because it’s an unfair fight – it’s like watching the Boston Red Sox take on your local Little League. Sure, it’s exciting for a few minutes seeing big hitters in your hometown, but there’s no thrill in watching the game, no actual drama. Because the logistical advantage of being a returning player is too great.
The fact that the few seasons where the new player has totally owned the game (Guatemala and South Pacific come to mind), they’ve totally hidden the winner’s story and focussed on the returnees. If this kind of format is ever going to truly work, you’ve got to do it right – people LOVE the story of David vs Goliath. But you know what they DON’T care about? The story of how Goliath is really just a self-entitled asshole who was never that great to being with, and ends up gettng arbitrarily slain by some nameless townsperson who is a basically glorified extra. Which is especially upsetting considering Danni and Sophie both played Top Tier games that were deliberate and calculated (see our Ultimate Survivor Winner Ranking article HERE) – all the things that we should respect in a Survivor winner. I mean – what’s the point in spending hundreds of thousands of dollars casting a TV show if you’re not even going to pay attention to two thirds of the people in the first place? It has all the dramatic momentum of watching a bad slasher flick.
SURVIVOR’S BALANCING ON THE DOGHOUSE PROBST IS IN FOR AS LONG AS HE KEEPS RAMMING SHITTY TWISTS AND RETURNING PLAYERS DOWN OUR THROATS
Anyway, enough of THAT rant – let us go back to the land of Cagayan, where comedy accents are plentiful and everybody is getting thinner but their chests are magically staying the exact same size. With tribes evenly divided and no one faction in power (thanks to the three tribe twist which, as with in Philippines, is proving to be the safest bet yet to ensure the kind of continued alliance instability and fluid gameplay that is the mark of all the greatest seasons), all signs point to a complete clusterfuck of a post merge – and what more could we really want as viewers?
So, based purely on the editing (i.e. what we’re being shown on air versus what’s getting left behind in the excellent weekly CBS Insider deleted scenes, and also what we glean from the press exit interviews), lets break down our official winner picks for season :-
23 Things That I’m Constantly Disappointed Candy Crush Is Not..
One of the advantages of social media (Facebook, Twitter) these days is the previously unfathomable level of minute to minute contact it gives us to our nearest and dearest. What they’re wearing, who they love, what Weight Watchers meal they’ve artfully rearranged for Instagram – it’s all RIGHT THERE for your enjoyment and insta-consumption. The downside to this, of course, is that you’re also subjected to whatever banal obsessions happen to have struck their fancy on any given week. Now, this in itself is fine if you’re friends with an interesting fella like me, who is only obsessed with AWESOME things like Food and Sex and British Girlbands and the many, many looks of Julie Chen. But it turns out that literally hundreds of MY friends are obsessed with someone/where/thing that is called ‘Candy Crush’. Now, the upside to never listening to radio or watching free to air TV (or basically never doing anything in life ever without reading about it first and actively seeking it out) is that your exposure to communicable pop culture diseases is greatly minimized. Angry Birds – never played it. Desperate Housewives – only watched season one. Gangnam Style – don’t even know exactly what that is. (like – is it a song? Is it an suit? Is it Superman?) And, seriously – think how much more swell YOUR life would be if you could say the same? It’s like, imagine if the ghost of Christmas future told you to stop watching Smash after the pilot, wouldn’t you still look back fondly on it – instead of hating it with the fiery, fiery passion that is usually reserved for every single Ryan Murphy show EVER? In all honesty, it seems like these days I can’t log onto social media without finding it full of pointless posts of this so-called ‘Candy Crush’. And that’s wasting valuable newsfeed space that could be filled up with useful things, like status updates, or gay porn. It’s insane. I swear, if my days weren’t already so busy with my jam-packed schedule of napping, chronically masturbating and freebasing black coffee whilst watching the Big Brother Live Feeds, I’d just about scream. So, what is this ‘Candy Crush’ exactly anyway? From what I can tell, it’s some sort of game, and not the sort of one *I* usually play. And judging be the rate it’s spreading through my friendship base, Gwyneth Paltrow is due to be scalped by medical professionals within a week.. Fortunately, things are all good in Case Del Glenn – I’ve seen the warning signs, I’ve avoided all contact and I’m stocked up with enough cans of tunafish to pretty much last out the rest of the year (or reinvent myself as a lesbian in the process). So, while I keep myself cooped up and safe from cyber infection, here are some of my best guesses are to who or what this Candy Crush really is :-
01. A CONTESTANT ON THE UPCOMING SEASON OF DRAG RACE.
02. SOMETHING THEY SERVE AT PINKBERRY
03. A GAY SUPERHERO
04. THE PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN FINAL EVOLUTIONARY STAGE OF A POKEMON
The New Adventures Of Drunk Glenn – A REINTRODUCTION (and Series of Obscure Pop Culture Comedy Selfies)
Hey Guys – Whattup? Just thought I should that I should take a few minutes out of my busy, busy schedule and introduce myself to all you newbies (and explain to all you less-newbies) who exactly I am and whose faceless rantings you’re reading right now (my actual face is AFTER THE JUMP).
So, who am I anyway? Well, for the most part, I’m actually a pretty cool guy. Decent even. I’m kind of like that goofy fat guy who plays the best friend in every rom-com ever, except for some strange reason I have abs you could grate cheese off – which baffles me (even) more than it baffles you if we’re perfectly honest. And whilst there is a separate, more serious and in-depth entry about why I haven’t been around much on here this year, I am sorry that I haven’t kept you guys as entertained as you’re used to. Mostly, I’ve just been busy working, and those precious few hours of free time I have each day where I’m not binge-eating, sleeping or jerking off furiously, I’ve been trying to finish up a few writing projects that could actually be really big. Like, I have nothing but mad props for people that blog (honestly – it’s hard work and dedication, no matter how much of it is basically you trying to fellate your own navel several times a week), but this isn’t my big writing goal in life. Mostly, it’s just something I do to keep the writing part of my brain active, and it’s kind of a word vomit barf bag that I can write impassioned pieces about movies and music and reality TV without boring the assholes off my friends. Basically, it’s the one form of writing where I can be totally self-indulgent (albeit sometimes intelligently) and just relax into the fact that anyone bothered to read beyond the shirtless photos is doing so because they’re just as into the same weird fringe shit that I am and thus aren’t glazing over in boredom at any given minute.
The thing is – with all of my other writing, it’s ALWAYS so expressly written with an audience in mind. Whether it’s my songwriting or my screenplays, my strength as a writer is not my brilliant way with words, but my ability to not just understand an audience, but know *exactly* how to make someone FEEL something, whether it’s laughter or sorrow or just that basic human desire for connection and comfort. I may never win an Oscar, but we’re probably not too far away now from the time where I’m mentioned in the same breath as Kevin Williamson or Ryan Murphy (without the formers self-imposed years in the commercial wild and the latter’s crippling levels of Creative ADHD).
THEY SAY YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON BY GOING THROUGH THEIR TRASH. AND, CONSIDERING THE SHEER AMOUNT OF EMPTY BOOZE BOTTLES, CANDY BAR WRAPPERS, NOVELTY POP CULTURE MUGS AND EMPTY CONDOM PACKETS IN PLAIN VIEW, I’D SAY MONA RAMSEY AND KE$HA MIGHT BE RIGHT..
GOOD EVENING AMERICA – And WELCOME BACK to tonights thrilling final instalment in out epic two part countdown of all that is great about Summer’s best worst show. After last weeks episode eliminated the first seven contestants (relive all the highlights in black and white HERE), we make our way through the Final 8 after the break. Who will be voted out next? Who should be getting ready for their Chen-terview? And who have we very conclusively and scientifically proven deserves the honour of coming in (But) First? Let’s eavesdrop on the remaining houses…
08 – SEASON FIVE
WINNER – Drew Daniel
ARBITRARY TWIST – “Project DNA”. Which stood for “Do Not Assume”. And referred to NOT JUST a long-lost (and previously unknown!) half-brother and sister being reunited in the house, but also the revelation that housemate Adria was actually a set of identical twins who swapped places every other day (see clip below).
HOUSEGUESTS WE’D MOST LIKELY EXPECT TO SEE AGAIN – Nakomis is really due for one last shot of glory after her pointless boot in BB7, and we also always had a soft (semi hard) spot for Wil. Plus Adria and or Natalie would be a nice tribute to one of the greatest BB twists that ever was.
In a lot of ways, season five is really where modern day Big Brother was truly born. S2 introduced us to basic strategy. S3 gave us well thought out and engaging casting. S4 is where Grodner first dipped her hands into the ether and delivered the first of many, many batshit insane twists to come. But it was Season Five where, for the first time, all of these key components of Big Brother life as we know it coalesced into one big compelling whole. And what a whole it was! From historic game-defining strategic firsts (Nakomis’s ‘Six Finger’ Plan – see HERE, Diane’s equally impressive but oft-overlooked plot to hijack the power from the Final Five Veto) to the delightfully bonkers twists (Long Lost Siblings! Identical Twins! Holly!), Season Five was one big joyride from start to finish. And while it set the precedent for blandly deserving winners (aka the proto-Hayden Drew), it’s overall cast is one of the strongest and most entertaining in the shows history, making for a consistently engaging run. Plus, Diane’s season long spiral into complete and utter Tanorexia basically INVENTED Jersey Shore, and means we basically can’t watch anything from the second half of this season without breaking out into Willy Wonka songs which, let’s face it, is an AWESOME problem to have.
BEST MOMENT – Lesbehonest, the Twin Twist is basically the GOAT moment of not just US Big Brother, but Big Brothers EVERYWHERE. Short of them both being played by Sheryl Lee, this could not have been more perfect.
07 – SEASON ELEVEN
WINNER – Jordan Lloyd.
ARBITRARY TWIST – The “Cliques” (Brains vs Athletes vs Outcasts vs Popular Kids aka some special school production of The Breakfast Club)
HOUSEGUESTS WE’D MOST LIKELY EXPECT TO SEE AGAIN – Obviously Big Jeff is a dead cert from now til the end of time (even though we’d much rather see Jordan, to be perfectly honest with y’all), Russell, Michele. And maaaaaaaaybe Jessie, if only for the fact he seems to live permanently in the outer-reaches of the CBS Backlot these days from what we can tell…
Sometimes a great Big Brother season is defined by thrilling gameplay. Sometimes it’s the exciting twists. And, just sometimes, all it really needs is enough genuinely likeable people to make it to the end and some equally deplorable ones to give you something to root for and against. What should have been a thoroughly mediocre season (the ‘Cliques’ twist will not only remain one of the weakest and uninspiring of the series, but also it’s most ineffectual if not for the glorious seven day implosion of S12’s ill-fated Summer Of Sabotage) somehow evolved early on into the greatest battle of Heroes vs Villains seen outside a series of Survivor. Cooping up that many truly delusional people in one house might be unbearable if you’re an adorkably normal neuroscientist or a blithely innocent southern belle but, as a viewer, we’ll be damned if it didn’t make for great TV. The classic post-Jessie pity party of Natalie, Lydia and Chima mourning will forever make laughing at people okay, especially in light of the latter’s historic meltdown and subsequent producer expulsion (although we’ll always be kinda sad that it obscured her genuinely fascinating backstory). And the Jeff, Jordan, Michele and Russell group of misfits made for the most rootable against all odds alliance since the golden days of S6 (even if Big Jeff himself did his gosh darned homophobic best to almost ruin it). Jordan’s come from behind win at the last minute really helped to redeem it and showed that, whether in real life or Reality TV, sometimes, just sometimes, nice guys finish first. Plus, you know, who could forget the completely surreal sight of the HEAVILY PREGNANT CHENBOT!
BEST MOMENT – While Chima (Princess of Glower)’s epic evening of Production-baiting and eventual expulsion was a basically a Big Brother (But) First, we’ve always had a modicum (and only that) of sympathy for her considering the Coup D’etat is the Big Brother equivalent of being butt-fucked without warning or lube from a gameplay perspective (you can watch said player dry-fucking HERE). On the other hand, the gloriously absurd mock funeral the estrogenic trio of terror presided over the night before is everything that makes good Big Brother great – crying, hysteria and that special kind of spiralling group delusion that seems to thrive when already borderline personalities start catching crazy by forced osmosis. In short, it was AMAZING.
Good Evening America – I’m (Julie) Glenn and we’ve just reached that time of the year again where a bunch of Model/Actor/Bartenders from the Greater LA area have been set free from from the giant fake house where they spent their summer riding various phallic objects, all the while competing under the watchful eye of a wily, disinterested Chinese-American automaton known as The Chenbot. Ladies and Gentlemen – THIS IS BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG BROTHER!
After unveiling what seemed to be the most underwhelming cast since the dark, dark days of season nine, Big Brother 15 exploded into one of the most unexpectedly thrilling, thought-provoking and idiotically entertaining shows of the year. Who knew that, 15 years after purporting to investigate and celebrate seemingly ordinary Americans and the various ins and outs of human nature, it would end up finally doing just that (CONGRATULATIONS JULIE – YOU’RE A REAL JOURNALIST NOW). Whilst this season definitely benefitted from the first signs that Julie was actually Chenuinely (SEE WHAT WE DID THERE? SEEE?) engaged and aware of the program she was hosting, it was also bizarrely refreshing to see the program both address and haphazardly discuss the sorts of issues that it was actually designed to. Lets take a second to appreciate the irony that, by being one of the shows most ignorant houseguest of all time, Aaryn managed to force Summers most willfully shallow show to finally get smart (albeit inadvertently – and, as we we discuss later, somewhat undeservedly).
But First – where did it all begin? And where does this current crop of hamsters stand in grand scheme of BB History? Let’s take a look..
15 – SEASON NINE
WINNER – Adam Jasinski
ARBITRARY TWIST – “Till Death Do Us Part” aka the one where players competed in Producer predetermined ‘couples’ for no good reason except because apparently everyone in the Big Brother creative team are joyless assholes.
HOUSEGUESTS WE’D MOST LIKELY EXPECT TO SEE AGAIN – James, Sheila, Natalie.
Remember when CBS dragged Big Brother out from the dregs of Summer Programming and tried to launch it on to an unsuspecting Primetime? Yeah, neither do we. But it happened. And it was AWFUL. Apart from being responsible for Sheila, who yew kneewwww was the best older female contestant this show had ever seen (at least until the following season when The Grod deigned to gift us with Renny), this was the one where the most memorable contestant was Joshuah, who would stay up late telling tales of how he’s do blow off his boyriends butthole and then spend his days apparently trying to become the human embodiment of the word HIDEOUS. Or Adam – who was smart enough to know how to win, but not quite smart enough to know that referring repeatedly to disabled people as ‘retards’ might actually jeopardize his career as, you know, a Disabled Childrens Care Worker (also – not quite smart enough to guess that starting up a large prescription drug ring with his winnings might not be the best way to not be spending the next ten years of his life in jail right now). So, yeah, pretty much everyone on this season was THE WORST. And don’t even get us started on ‘Crazy’ James or the arbitrarily-partnered ‘Til Death Do Us Part’ twist either. And the less said about the CLEARLY RIGGED F4 tie-breaker question where you can all but hear the Producers deciding which contestant they wanted to win the tie-breaker before revealing the ‘answer’ on live TV, the better..
BEST MOMENT – None? Can we go with none? Although that time Natalie counted out the 27 letters of the ALPHABET was pretty neat we suppose..
14 – SEASON ONE
WINNER – Eddie McGee
ARBITRARY TWIST – Staying Faithful To The Original Format.
HOUSEGUESTS WE’D MOST LIKELY EXPECT TO SEE AGAIN – Eddie; plus maybe Chicken George, who actually grew on us during All Stars (kinda like a chia pet).
And then here we are Ladies and Gentleman – right back to where it all began. Back in a day when Reality Television was just a vague idea in the back of a television executives mind and Julie Chen was still a Very. Serious. Reporter. Look – lets face it. Big Brother 1 was a mess. And not just because of the ridiculously Serious Face WWBN Casting (although, seriously – that DID NOT HELP AT ALL). But mostly because it showed us that, as a whole, the country of America CANNOT be trusted to systematically vote people out week to week from a personality driven game show format. Because, you know what you end up with? A limp, barely watchable nightly broadcast with all the charm and charisma of watered down Wal-Mart security footage, but with far less sassily dressed fat people. Watching America systematically vote out every single mildly interesting person (The Black Supremacist! The Stripper! The Menopausal Mom Mid-Mid Life Crisis!) was vaguely soul-destroying, especially considering none of these people were particularly interesting to begin with. The Season Two overhaul of the show was the best reinvention since Lana Del Rey discovered collagen and the joys of Vintage Stage Name Magnetic Poetry Kits.
BEST MOMENT – This HISTORIC Big Brother moment, courtesy of Julie Chen and her barely recognizable old face..
The Perks Of Being A (Moderately Attractive) Wallflower
Sorry I haven’t written here in a while. I’ve been busy going out and doing things. Or, as I like to call it, trying to ‘participate’. It’s kinda weird, because I used to be really good at this, but after spending six months basically not leaving my room, I’m having to start from the ground floor up again, like I’m in the Sydney Social Mailroom or something (I meant that as a corporate analogy, although there like a 73% that’s ACTUALLY the name of a Gay Night at some bar I’m sure).
It’s fine actually, cuz Lord knows I need to meet me some new people. Truth be told, I’m actually enjoying enjoying it quite a bit. I always liked going out by myself anyway – it’s the best way to meet new people. And I mean that genuinely, not as a euphemism for those obscene hand gestures I’m so fond of. It’s all kind of surreal as I’m finally, after two long years in the gay wilderness, back to my fighting weight and evidently looking mighty fine. Which is great for getting laid, not that I ever really had a problem in that regards, but more so because people, like, talk to me now and stuff again. It sounds so funny, because most people lose weight to help them with sex, and relationships, and with the opposite sex. And sure, it helps, but I mostly use it to make myself socially palatable, which is something that I need to work on.
Ranking The Past 25 Survivor Winners From Worst To First
** UPDATED POST, NOW WITH SURVIVOR 28 : CAGAYAN – CLICK HERE **
Having just crowned our 25th (25th!) Champ mere hours ago, what better time to stroll down Survivor Memory Lane (N.B. Not a real place, although probably the working title for at least three of the seasons) and update our Epic countdown from last year.
Points will be awarded for various things, for example :-
- How much control contestants had in getting themselves to the end and how much of that winning journey was actively planned.
- How close they came at times to being voted out.
- How much they had to rely on immunity wins.
- Bitter Jury Syndrome.
- Overall luck involved.
25. NATALIE WHITE – SAMOA
The most maligned of all Survivor winners due to her shocking (SHOCKING) defeat of Russell Hantz last year. Whilst her social game was approximately one million times more impressive than said bandy-legged troll, she loses major points for the fact that going into the Final Tribal Council, no one from the jury was even planning on voting for White – she won them over with thoughtful answers that were better than Dr Mick.
Plus, her most memorable move was that time that she killed a rat with a stick. I mean – what’s not to love? :-
BEST MOVE : Orchestrating the pivotal merge boot of (the incredibly sexy) Erik, that set the whole Galu post-merge crumble in motion.
SHOULD HAVE WON : *sigh* Russell. Whilst his social game was just AWFUL, he did play an incredible strategic game and changed the way Survivor was played forever.
24. BOB CROWLEY – GABON
Who? Bob sauntered along most of Gabon half-asleep, crafting a few admittedly impressive fake immunity idols along the way. Loses points for the fact that he was planning to take Matty to the end who would have kicked his ass ten ways to Sunday. Also for the fact that Randy (who cast the pivotal vote) was planning to vote for Susie to win until she burned him on his jury question.
BEST MOVE : Playing the Grandfather role to human waterworks Sugar, who forced the tie that allowed him in front of the Jury in the first place.
SHOULD HAVE WON : The aforementioned Sugar. Controlled the entire game post-merge without once becoming a target. If she had’ve actually decided to play for the Win instead of just for Fan Favourite, it could have all turned out very different.
23. SANDRA DIAZ-TWINE – PEARL ISLANDS
Better known as the only two-time winner in Survivor’s 25 season history. Less known for winning through sheer virtue of not being Lil or Jonny Fairplay. Gains points for pioneering the completely mercenary ‘anyone but me’ voting strategy. Loses points for having no real control over her fate in the game. Even her win came solely down to the fact that Final Immunity winner Lil knew she couldn’t beat either of her opponents and figured that at least if she took Sandra to the end and gave her the win, the million dollars wouldn’t be spent on strippers and coke.
Here’s an amazing clip of Sandra displaying those social skills that won her her first million bucks. I CAN GET LOUD TOOOOO! :-
BEST MOVE : Openly having her vote for sale every Tribal Council. Warring factions kept using her to vote each other out, ensuring she was never the target.
SHOULD HAVE WON : Umm, no one? Is ‘no one’ an option? Pearl Islands was a rollickingly entertaining season with Rupert! Outcasts! Dead Grandmas! but no real strong strategic players post-merge. Or, for that matter, pre-merge. Jonny Fairplay though probably, if you pushed us..
The Glenny Guide To… The Top 20 Girls Aloud Tracks of All Time
The best Girl Band of all time aka Girls Aloud aka Curls Allowed aka Cheryl Tweedy’s Side Project have finally (FINALLY) gotten off their arses and released their first new piece of music in over four years. By now, you’ve probably heard new single Something New which, if you haven’t, is probably the best pop release of the year that’s not Call Me Maybe or Wings by Little Mix (Maybe..) – Listen to it HERE.
SO. The question I hear you asking is ‘why exactly should I care?’ Well, let me tell you.. Girls Aloud are a funny proposition for serious music fans (excluding those based in the UK and some parts of Europe who have long since been assimilated Body Snatchers-style). They’re a band formed on a Idol-lite Talent Show and fronted by the aforementioned tabloid magnet Tweedycole, a moody ginger one and an incomprehensible Irish lass named Nuhdeen. Hardly a recipe for serious music success. But, here’s the thing – Girls Aloud, since their first single, have basically been operated as a front by an Enid Blyton-esque musical powerhouse production team called Xenomania (they also were responsible for Believe by Cher but don’t hold that against them..) This means that every single (except for those few awful charity cover versions), every album track, every b-side ever recorded is part of a satisfying, creatively exhilarating whole. Seriously, most LEGIT bands don’t produce albums that are this delightfully eccentric and thrilling to listen to.
Don’t believe us? Well, today’s your lucky day! In honour of Ten, the new Greatest Hits The Aloud are releasing to commemorate them lasting ten times longer than anyone ever expected them to – we’ve compiled what is officially (OFFICIALLY) The Perfect Girls Aloud Mix CD. Twenty tracks made up of all their best singles, albums tracks, b-sides and alternate versions that all fits on one brilliant, mind-blowing, musically flowing CD. Seriously, NO ONE is making music as layered and as thrilling as this – it’s pop music for people who just love MUSIC.
Anyway, Here. We. Go :-
01 – THE PROMISE
WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT – The first single off massive 5th (FIFTH) album Out Of Control.
WHY IT’S AMAZING – Giving the Girls their biggest hit single since their first, The Promise proved that there was life in the old horse yet. A gloriously uplifting 60’s inspired retro pastiche, it has perfect harmonies, a catchy chorus and lovely vocals all wrapped up in one gorgeous little bow.
BEST BITS – The countdown at the start; The strings; Kimberely’s middle eight; “Giving up just looking into windows, yeah – had enough of wishing I found you. Had as much as I can take of falling, got a lot to learn about riding through..” is a GREAT line.
02 – BIOLOGY
WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT – 2005’s seminal pop-concept album Chemistry.
WHY IT’S AMAZING – Good Lord, where to start? One of the most important pop songs of our time, Biology is just everything music was meant to be. A stomping blues piano riff, Nadine’s Aretha Franklin-esque vocals, an amazing obscure slavery reference (“I got one Alabama return..“) and dancefloor-ready beats all coalesce into one mighty musical behemoth that has no discernable structure or form, yet never feels less than transcendent. Plus, the music video has prom dresses, deceptively slutty dance moves and some really pretty butterflies. AMAZING.
BEST BIT – EVERYTHING. Oh, and that part in the video where they do the ‘Hand Clock’. THAT WAS AMAZING.
03 – SOMETHING KINDA OOOOH
WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT – On their first Greatest Hits – The Sound Of Girls Aloud
WHY IT’S AMAZING – The song that saved their career, basically. After third album Chemistry was critically revered (for real real) but only moderately successful, Polydor decreed Girls Aloud were to be wound down with a Greatest Hits anthology to see out their deal. Problem – perfunctory token original track and lead single Something Kinda Ooooh accidentally became one of their biggest hits and reinvigorated their careers in the minds of the record-buying public. Suddenly, Girls Aloud became cool. Oh, and the song was kind of amazing too (lets not talk about the abortion of a rush-released video though).
BEST BITS – The fact that ‘Ooooh’ is now official spelled with about seventeen (okay – four) ‘O’s. Kimberley’s “Oh Boy – I can’t tell you how sad I feel, if tonight is just another kink in your steel” is basically the sexiest thing a woman has ever done to me, ever. Plus, you know, THAT HAIR.
04 – CALL THE SHOTS
WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT – On electro-pop masterpiece Tangled Up.
WHY IT’S AMAZING – Holy Jesus, we’d challenge anyone to try and find a reason why it’s NOT amazing! A perfect, shimmery, synthey slice of melancholic pop with a deceptively simple earworm of a chorus that you’ll not be able to lodge for the better part of the decade. Honestly? It’s as perfect a pop song as you’ll ever find. To think that this was almost not released (it was written pre-Greatest Hits but held back for being too downbeat) is just mind boggling.
BEST BIT – Sarah’s “..and I won’t cry because I’ve stumbled through this faaaaaaaar” is just heartbreakingly beautiful. Plus, her Lego hair she rocks in the video is immense.
An Open Letter To Britney Spears’s New Bangs
Dear Britney,
Congratulations on the X-Factor. You and your incredible repertoire on completely ridiculous facial expressions have really gone a long way to restoring your reputation with the general public at large. We were really feeling good for the first time in a long time that you were clearly in a better place in your life and were surrounding yourself with the right kinds of people. Until THIS happened…
Seriously. Britney. Doll. That Jason person looks like a nice fellow but, really – how can you trust someone who would let you think that bangs were really a good idea. Because they’re not. No one that REALLY loves you would ever let yo do that to your hair. Especially when they’re only five years sober from a Telly Savalas obsession.
Remember the first rule of Hair Club :-
01 – NO WOMAN LOOKS GOOD WITH BANGS. SOME WOMAN JUST MANAGE TO LOOK GOOD IN SPITE OF THEM.
I mean, Taylor Swift barely survived them earlier this year. And The Jeppo only looks good in them because they basically conceal the last fifteen years of her life. I know we made fun of your hair the last time we spoke, but Bangs? No Britney, no – we already have one Jessie J and, believe us, that’s more than bloody enough..
Anyways, good luck with the X-Factor and the whole ‘staying relevant’ thing. If all else fails, leeching lifeblood off Demi Lovato is a solid Plan B.
*smooches*
Glenny
PS – Courtney Cox – NEVER FORGET
So, You Had Sex With a 23 Year Old Police Officer..
Things Glenny Has Learnt in the Last Two Hours (WARNING – They’re all inappropriate) :-
01 – After a decade of vehement opposition, it turns out that younger men are actually underrated. They’re just so doofy and sweet and, well, …enthusiastic. Seriously. I’m becoming a Cougar now. Can I do that? I mean, if it’s good enough for Courteney Cox and her scary pillow face, it’s good enough for me, right?
Actually, it’s good because it makes you raise your game, so to speak. It’s funny, as you mature sexually, things that were fun and exciting say the first hundred become less so, and you tend to stop putting the effort into the little things (I don’t mean midgets, or Asian Men, but you know). Seeing things through someone else’s less jaded eyes is a real awakening. Refreshing even. It’s just nice to be around someone that is still genuinely, well, nice.
02 – No matter how sexy it looks in all those movies over the years, nothing prepares you for how disconcerting it is to keep seeing a loaded gun and a pair of handcuffs sitting on your nightstand while you’re, you know.. Especially considering trained police officers are about the only people (besides Chuck Norris, obvs) who could easily beat Glenn in a fight. Gay Porn has lied to me all these years, basically. Seriously, for nigh on sixty minutes I kept noticing a loaded weapon and a pair of handcuffs sitting there and, honestly, it didn’t do the wonders for my raging hard on that I’d always kind of expected. I mean, it didn’t kill it either, but it made me a little nervous, I have to say.
03 – A more muscular, Australian version of Rob C from Survivor : Amazon is even sexier than I could have possibly ever imagined. Like, I didn’t even know such a thing existed. Now, everyone who knows me knows I love me nerdy looking men, so to find a muscular, official crime-fighting version of one is just a total win. Must make sure to not get confused and ask him about whether he regrets not winning that Immunity Challenge at the Final 3 though – caught myself twice..
So, anyway, that’s enough of me being a whore for one night. How was YOUR weekend?
A Completely Accurate and Not At All Photoshopped Picture of Christina Aguilera to Start Your Day..
So, Christina Aguilera took a few minutes out of her busy schedule of being a Very Important and Completely Relevant Recording Artist to unleash the artwork for her latest fragrance (after last seasons hugely successful Eau De Kentuckie campaign) and, well..
THERE. ARE. NO. WORDS.
‘Feel Like A Queen?’ “Feel What It’s Like To Have A Million Queens Mocking You From Here Til Eternity’ more like..
Seriously, you would have to literally spend your evening sniffing her new perfume like glue to believe that this photo exists evening in the same Galaxy as La Aguilera this past year. I mean, compare and contrast with these two photos both taken in the last month…
OCTOBER 2012
SEPTEMBER 2012
AMIRIGHT?
On the bright side though, I wonder whether you get a discount because they only used half of her to create the ad? Is the other half of her busy vacationing in Mexico somewhere? Or did it just step out for a few minutes to get another round of In’n’Out? Maybe it’s just busy hanging out with Cee-Lo? Because, based on our very serious scientific calculations, only 53% percent of her is present for this photo. We didn’t even know the human body could survive that kind of mass separation for a prolonged period of time.. Either that or she’s time travelled from 2002 again, which is a GRAVE CAUSE FOR INTERNATIONAL CONCERN obviously (although it means we might actually get a decent album from her again…)
Although, on the plus side, at least we can’t see her Lotus in this one..
THIS SONG EXPLAINS WHY I’M LEAVING HOME TO BECOME A STEWARDESS : Obsessions – Marina & The Diamonds
This has basically been my life the past few months. I’m not even kidding. That second verse is literally my day to day existence, it’s almost comical..
“Supermarket – oh what packet of crackers to pick
They’re all the same, one brand one name – but really they’re not
Look, look – just choose something quick
People are staring
Time to go quick in, skin is on fire
Just choose something, something, something..
Pressure overwhelming
Next minute I am turning out the door facing one week without food
A day, a day when things are pretty bad
But don’t let it make you feel sad
The crackers were probably bad luck anyway..“
IMPORTANT SONG ALERT : Ride – Lana Del Rey
Finally, after what seemed like literally days (DAYS) had gone by without the internet being flooded with some sort of unreleased material, Authentic Chanteuse Lana Del Rey (TM Popjustice) has officially released new single ‘Ride’. From the soon to be released ‘Paradise’ edition of debut Born To Die, it’s an exhilarating 176 BPM curveball about being happily in love aimed firmly at the Dancefloor packed with reference to thoroughly modern things like Twitter, Obama and the movie Looper.
Or, alternately, it’s yet another retro-epic gloomathon in the vein of Video Games, Blue Jeans and, well, pretty much every other track that she’s done lately ever. That being said, if there is anyone who does overblown, depressing gloomathons well, it’s Portishead.
Wait.
I mean Lana Del Rey.
Have a listen :-
Sarcasm aside, the song is actually pretty good. Sure, it’s one minute too long and about two hooks too short, but it’s beautiful in a overlong majestic 1950’s Cherry Pie kinda way. Basically, it kind of ambles on harmlessly for a few minutes before finally arriving at the middle eight where it gets officially eight kinds of amazing.
“I’m tired of feeling like I’m fucking crazy
I’m tired of driving til I see stars in my eyes
I look up to hear myself saying
Baby too much I strive, I just Ride..”
Seriously, it’s brilliant. As the almighty Catherine Zeta Jones would say – “You’re right, the first part’s shit. But the second part? The second part is REALLY nifty..” You have to hear it to understand, but the way she sings ‘Fucking Crazy’ and drags it out, enunciating every single syllable for about ten seconds each, like some sort of operatically-inclined wannabe Florence Welch drama school reject. It’s AMAZING. And the chorus really kicks in after that. It may have taken seven listens according to my iPod, but it finally clicked with me. I wouldn’t quite say it reaches the same dizzying heights as Driving In Cars With Boys, Never Let Me Go or some of the other leaked tracks that were recorded and rejected for the Born To Die project, but it does help make the Paradise edition look more ‘Fame Monster’ and less ‘Every Other Cynical ReRelease That Came Out This Year’ (we’re looking at YOU Katy Perry).
In other Lana news, she also recorded a fabulous video of her standing against a wall trying hard to look like she’s not trying hard to look like she’s trying too hard, while snippets of the new songs play. It’s all well and good, BUT WHAT THE FUCK HAS SHE DONE TO THE ARRANGEMENT OF ‘YAYO’?
the from the block blog 