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An Open Letter To Britney Spears’s New Bangs

November 3, 2012

Dear Britney,

Congratulations on the X-Factor.  You and your incredible repertoire on completely ridiculous facial expressions have really gone a long way to restoring your reputation with the general public at large.  We were really feeling good for the first time in a long time that you were clearly in a better place in your life and were surrounding yourself with the right kinds of people.  Until THIS happened…

 

Seriously.  Britney.  Doll.  That Jason person looks like a nice fellow but, really – how can you trust someone who would let you think that bangs were really a good idea.  Because they’re not.  No one that REALLY loves you would ever let yo do that to your hair.  Especially when they’re only five years sober from a Telly Savalas obsession.

Remember the first rule of Hair Club :-

01 – NO WOMAN LOOKS GOOD WITH BANGS.  SOME WOMAN JUST MANAGE TO LOOK GOOD IN SPITE OF THEM.

I mean, Taylor Swift barely survived them earlier this year.  And The Jeppo only looks good in them because they basically conceal the last fifteen years of her life.  I know we made fun of your hair the last time we spoke, but Bangs?  No Britney, no – we already have one Jessie J and, believe us, that’s more than bloody enough..

 

Anyways, good luck with the X-Factor and the whole ‘staying relevant’ thing.  If all else fails, leeching lifeblood off Demi Lovato is a solid Plan B.

*smooches*

Glenny

PS – Courtney Cox – NEVER FORGET

 

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