The New Adventures Of Drunk Glenn – A REINTRODUCTION (and Series of Obscure Pop Culture Comedy Selfies)

Hey Guys – Whattup?  Just thought I should that I should take a few minutes out of my busy, busy schedule and introduce myself to all you newbies (and explain to all you less-newbies) who exactly I am and whose faceless rantings you’re reading right now (my actual face is AFTER THE JUMP).

So, who am I anyway?  Well, for the most part, I’m actually a pretty cool guy.  Decent even.  I’m kind of like that goofy fat guy who plays the best friend in every rom-com ever, except for some strange reason I have abs you could grate cheese off – which baffles me (even) more than it baffles you if we’re perfectly honest.  And whilst there is a separate, more serious and in-depth entry about why I haven’t been around much on here this year, I am sorry that I haven’t kept you guys as entertained as you’re used to.  Mostly, I’ve just been busy working, and those precious few hours of free time I have each day where I’m not binge-eating, sleeping or jerking off furiously, I’ve been trying to finish up a few writing projects that could actually be really big.  Like, I have nothing but mad props for people that blog (honestly – it’s hard work and dedication, no matter how much of it is basically you trying to fellate your own navel several times a week), but this isn’t my big writing goal in life.  Mostly, it’s just something I do to keep the writing part of my brain active, and it’s kind of a word vomit barf bag that I can write impassioned pieces about movies and music and reality TV without boring the assholes off my friends.  Basically, it’s the one form of writing where I can be totally self-indulgent (albeit sometimes intelligently) and just relax into the fact that anyone bothered to read beyond the shirtless photos is doing so because they’re just as into the same weird fringe shit that I am and thus aren’t glazing over in boredom at any given minute.

The thing is – with all of my other writing, it’s ALWAYS so expressly written with an audience in mind.  Whether it’s my songwriting or my screenplays, my strength as a writer is not my brilliant way with words, but my ability to not just understand an audience, but know *exactly* how to make someone FEEL something, whether it’s laughter or sorrow or just that basic human desire for connection and comfort.  I may never win an Oscar, but we’re probably not too far away now from the time where I’m mentioned in the same breath as Kevin Williamson or Ryan Murphy (without the formers self-imposed years in the commercial wild and the latter’s crippling levels of Creative ADHD).

THEY SAY YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON BY GOING THROUGH THEIR TRASH. AND, CONSIDERING THE SHEER AMOUNT OF EMPTY BOOZE BOTTLES, CANDY BAR WRAPPERS, NOVELTY POP CULTURE MUGS AND EMPTY CONDOM PACKETS IN PLAIN VIEW, I’D SAY MONA RAMSEY AND KE$HA MIGHT BE RIGHT..

But, in the meantime I’m just keeping busy trying to enjoy my life and, more importantly, trying to make the people I care about enjoy theirs.  #justbeingglenny isn’t just an awesome hashtag – it’s a gay of life.  It’s funny, a lot of my friends on facebook and on twitter seem to be taken aback by how open and ridiculous I am online but, mostly, I just like to use my general life exploits to make other people laugh.  Or appreciate how completely and beautifully ridiculous day to day life really is.  I never know quite how to make this distinction without sounding like I’m trying to blow myself, but I’m not someone who is goofball and likes to make people laugh because I like the attention.  It’s almost the opposite actually – I tend to clam up the second I sense too many people watching or feel any pressure to ‘perform’ – but I am someone who is for some reason completely secure and comfortable in who they are and in the fact that I’m genuinely a good person, and so I just kind of figure that, since I’m going to be a total spazz in day to day life anyway, what skin off my nose is it if my general ability to be retarded in any given situation can at least be used to make someone else smile.  It’s like people who censor or edit their facebook pictures.  You can photoshop you profile photo all you like, but you can’t re-edit real life.

So yeah, don’t take any of this too seriously – like a giant Itchy and Scratchyland Mouse, I just want to entertain.  And for all the ‘Drunk Glenn’ jokes I make, I only drink when I’m having fun – not the other way around.  TBH – I’d be more worried if I go for prolonged stretches without downing a six pack or two, because I’m one of those people who, the more serious something is, the less I like to drink.  So if I’m getting my Buzz Lightyear on, it’s usually a good sign.  Unless you’re my flatmate and I decide to entertain you and your one night stand for the evening by making Balloon Animals out of your apparent complete nights supply of Condoms.  (SPOILER ALERT – It was actually really impressive.  Even if every single animal I made was a MANATEE).  The fact that that is a completely true anecdote from last Thursday Night is probably everything you need to know about Drunk Glenn.  Well, that and the fact that he likes to take AMAZING drunken selfies and entertain all of facebook with them.  A lot of bloggers, tweeters and internet pundits alike like to make sanctimonious and often hypocritical remarks, all with the safety and anonymity that an internet connection and a $27/year domain name registration affords.  Well, not THIS Drunk Glenn.  If there is anything you should know about me before you take my writing seriously, it’s that I’m an idiot, and I spend most of my time doing things like THIS  :-

MY ‘ELLEN BARKIN IN DROP DEAD GORGEOUS’ IMPRESSION

“FORMER MOUNT ROSE MISS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS”

“PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN”

“MOST SMARTEST”

“ELLEN BARKIN’ UP THE WRONG TREE, MORE LIKE..”

MY ‘BRADY BUNCH’ IMPRESSION

“THE GLENNY BUNCH”

“GLENNY GLENNY GLENNY!”

“LETS GO KNOCK OVER A 7/11!”

MY ‘BETTY WHITE/TRUTH OR DARE-ERA MADONNA’ IMPRESSION

“#SNICKERZ #GOLDENGIRLZ #REALLYSATIFIESZ”

“TEAM EVIAN aka SUCK IT COSTNER!”

“SLUTEVER”

MY ‘JENNIFER CONNELLY IN REQUIEM FOR A DREAM’ IMPRESSION

“REQUIEM FOR A GLENN”

Like, that was what I did last Friday Night instead of going out drinking.  Literally, they are all from last weekend.  I’m the best drunk ever, basically.  I mean – if the worst thing I can say about when I’m drunk is that I become super boisterous and bouncy and make AMAZING obscure pop culture references with little to no concern for my own personal sense of vanity, then what more could you want, right?  I mean – I didn’t even get to the part where I woke up a few hours after that last photo to two guys totally blowing me in my bed.  Like, that HAS to be a sign that Drunk Glenn is doing something right, no?  And, lets be honest – if any drunk 32 year old male can get it up enough to be blown simultaneously by two guys, he has to be doing SOMETHING right…  IN HIS PANTS.

Anyway – ENJOY.  I’ve actually got like seven completely finished posts up my sleeve that are good to go, so hopefully future updating won’t be sporadically.. THANKS FOR STICKING AROUND!

HUGGERZ,

(Semi) Drunk Glenn

PS – Here’s the highlight from the Great Glenn Flatmate Interview Marathon of Last Sunday.  At some point between 10am and 5pm, I’ve absently mindedly decided to use my head phones as a makeshift sweatband.  Sadly, in the course of said timeframe, not one single person has decided to point this out to me.  Good Lord Jesus himself doesn’t even know how long I must have been traipsing around like that for before a handy mirror pointed it out.  *shrugs* Oh well – SLUTEVER!

“I MUST NOT PLANT SUBLIMINAL MESSA-POEHLERS…”

THE BEST SONG ABOUT #JUSTBEINGGLENNY NOT WRITTEN BY, YOU KNOW, GLENNY