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23 Things That I’m Constantly Disappointed Candy Crush Is Not..

November 15, 2013

One of the advantages of social media (Facebook, Twitter) these days is the previously unfathomable level of minute to minute contact it gives us to our nearest and dearest.  What they’re wearing, who they love, what Weight Watchers meal they’ve artfully rearranged for Instagram – it’s all RIGHT THERE for your enjoyment and insta-consumption. The downside to this, of course, is that you’re also subjected to whatever banal obsessions happen to have struck their fancy on any given week.  Now, this in itself is fine if you’re friends with an interesting fella like me, who is only obsessed with AWESOME things like Food and Sex and British Girlbands and the many, many looks of Julie Chen.  But it turns out that literally hundreds of MY friends are obsessed with someone/where/thing that is called ‘Candy Crush’. Now, the upside to never listening to radio or watching free to air TV (or basically never doing anything in life ever without reading about it first and actively seeking it out) is that your exposure to communicable pop culture diseases is greatly minimized.  Angry Birds – never played it.  Desperate Housewives – only watched season one.  Gangnam Style – don’t even know exactly what that is. (like – is it a song?  Is it an suit?  Is it Superman?)  And, seriously – think how much more swell YOUR life would be if you could say the same?  It’s like, imagine if the ghost of Christmas future told you to stop watching Smash after the pilot, wouldn’t you still look back fondly on it – instead of hating it with the fiery, fiery passion that is usually reserved for every single Ryan Murphy show EVER? In all honesty, it seems like these days I can’t log onto social media without finding it full of pointless posts of this so-called ‘Candy Crush’.  And that’s wasting valuable newsfeed space that could be filled up with useful things, like status updates, or gay porn.  It’s insane.  I swear, if my days weren’t already so busy with my jam-packed schedule of napping, chronically masturbating and freebasing black coffee whilst watching the Big Brother Live Feeds, I’d just about scream. So, what is this ‘Candy Crush’ exactly anyway?  From what I can tell, it’s some sort of game, and not the sort of one *I* usually play.  And judging be the rate it’s spreading through my friendship base, Gwyneth Paltrow is due to be scalped by medical professionals within a week..  Fortunately, things are all good in Case Del Glenn – I’ve seen the warning signs, I’ve avoided all contact and I’m stocked up with enough cans of tunafish to pretty much last out the rest of the year (or reinvent myself as a lesbian in the process). So, while I keep myself cooped up and safe from cyber infection, here are some of my best guesses are to who or what this Candy Crush really is :-

01. A CONTESTANT ON THE UPCOMING SEASON OF DRAG RACE.

candy crush drag queen lollipop

02. SOMETHING THEY SERVE AT PINKBERRY

candy crush pinkberry

03. A GAY SUPERHERO

candy crush gay superhero 2

04. THE PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN FINAL EVOLUTIONARY STAGE OF A POKEMON

candy crush jigglypuff log

05. THE LESBIAN NIGHT AT OUR LOCAL BAR

candy crush simpsons lesbian bar

06. YOUR GRANDMOTHERS NEW HAIR COLOUR

candy crush mrs slocombe stern

07. HONEY BOO BOO’S EVIL TWIN

candy crush honey boo boo

08. YOUR NEW FAVOURITE JAPANESE GIRLBAND

candy crush kpop girlband rock

09. TORI SPELLING’S LONG LOST AUNT

candy crush tori spelling grey gardens

10. ONE OF MARINA DIAMANDIS’S NEW ALTER EGOS

candy crush marina

11. ACTUAL CANDY

candy crush pink candy 2

12. A PREVIOUSLY UNHEARD OF SONG FROM THE WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY SOUNDTRACK

candy crush oompa loompa veruca

13. THE NEW STAR OF TEEN MOM

candy crush teen mom true blood

14. A RIDE AT DISNEYLAND

candy crush disney ride pink coaster

15. AN UPCOMING MELISSA MCCARTHY MOVIE CHARACTER

candy crush melissa mccarty interview

16. THE LONG LOST FOURTH POWERPUFF GIRL

candy crush powerpuff girl

17. A TELEPHONE PSYCHIC WE’D ACTUALLY PAY TO USE

candy crush telephone psychic

18. THE NEWEST PRESIDENTIAL PET

candy crush pet poodle

19. A PREVIOUSLY UNHEARD OF KATY PERRY B-SIDE

candy crush katy perry video bikini

20. A PAIR OF PJ’S THAT I *MUST* OWN (actually, these are already real.  I just wanted an excuse to post them because, you know – AMAHZING, right?)

candy crush leggings

21. THE OFFICIAL NAME FOR VALERIE CHERISH’S FAMOUS ‘DOUBLE VOMIT’ ANGRY CUPCAKE ATTACK MOVE

candy crush valerie cupcake

candy crush valerie surly cupcake

candy crush valerie action strip

22. THE NEW LEADER OF THE A.L.P.

candy crush ALP sarah palin

23. LITERALLY ANYTHING TO DO WITH MILEY CYRUS

candy crush miley destructioncandy crush miley wrecking ballcandy crush miley bangerz close up

If y’all could let me know if I’m even REMOTELY close with any of those guesses, I’d be much obliged.  Because if it turns out that 73% of my Facebook Friendship base is obsessed with bedazzled version of Angry Birds, I’m going candy puke..  And then either myself or 427 of my nearest and dearest are gonna have to check into THIS charming institution… candy crush rehabilitation centre

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Tingleberry permalink
    December 25, 2013 11:06 pm

    Clearly you are on the wrong track 😛 According to a reliable source, candy crush is in fact when one binges on skittles until full capacity and vomits rainbows. Finally, they transform into a pink hulk that is on additional steroids. His name, as rightful as his skin colour, Candy Crush. BOOYAH!

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