23 Things That I’m Constantly Disappointed Candy Crush Is Not..

One of the advantages of social media (Facebook, Twitter) these days is the previously unfathomable level of minute to minute contact it gives us to our nearest and dearest.  What they’re wearing, who they love, what Weight Watchers meal they’ve artfully rearranged for Instagram – it’s all RIGHT THERE for your enjoyment and insta-consumption. The downside to this, of course, is that you’re also subjected to whatever banal obsessions happen to have struck their fancy on any given week.  Now, this in itself is fine if you’re friends with an interesting fella like me, who is only obsessed with AWESOME things like Food and Sex and British Girlbands and the many, many looks of Julie Chen.  But it turns out that literally hundreds of MY friends are obsessed with someone/where/thing that is called ‘Candy Crush’. Now, the upside to never listening to radio or watching free to air TV (or basically never doing anything in life ever without reading about it first and actively seeking it out) is that your exposure to communicable pop culture diseases is greatly minimized.  Angry Birds – never played it.  Desperate Housewives – only watched season one.  Gangnam Style – don’t even know exactly what that is. (like – is it a song?  Is it an suit?  Is it Superman?)  And, seriously – think how much more swell YOUR life would be if you could say the same?  It’s like, imagine if the ghost of Christmas future told you to stop watching Smash after the pilot, wouldn’t you still look back fondly on it – instead of hating it with the fiery, fiery passion that is usually reserved for every single Ryan Murphy show EVER? In all honesty, it seems like these days I can’t log onto social media without finding it full of pointless posts of this so-called ‘Candy Crush’.  And that’s wasting valuable newsfeed space that could be filled up with useful things, like status updates, or gay porn.  It’s insane.  I swear, if my days weren’t already so busy with my jam-packed schedule of napping, chronically masturbating and freebasing black coffee whilst watching the Big Brother Live Feeds, I’d just about scream. So, what is this ‘Candy Crush’ exactly anyway?  From what I can tell, it’s some sort of game, and not the sort of one *I* usually play.  And judging be the rate it’s spreading through my friendship base, Gwyneth Paltrow is due to be scalped by medical professionals within a week..  Fortunately, things are all good in Case Del Glenn – I’ve seen the warning signs, I’ve avoided all contact and I’m stocked up with enough cans of tunafish to pretty much last out the rest of the year (or reinvent myself as a lesbian in the process). So, while I keep myself cooped up and safe from cyber infection, here are some of my best guesses are to who or what this Candy Crush really is :-

01. A CONTESTANT ON THE UPCOMING SEASON OF DRAG RACE.

02. SOMETHING THEY SERVE AT PINKBERRY

03. A GAY SUPERHERO

04. THE PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN FINAL EVOLUTIONARY STAGE OF A POKEMON

05. THE LESBIAN NIGHT AT OUR LOCAL BAR

06. YOUR GRANDMOTHERS NEW HAIR COLOUR

07. HONEY BOO BOO’S EVIL TWIN

08. YOUR NEW FAVOURITE JAPANESE GIRLBAND

09. TORI SPELLING’S LONG LOST AUNT

10. ONE OF MARINA DIAMANDIS’S NEW ALTER EGOS

11. ACTUAL CANDY

12. A PREVIOUSLY UNHEARD OF SONG FROM THE WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY SOUNDTRACK

13. THE NEW STAR OF TEEN MOM

14. A RIDE AT DISNEYLAND

15. AN UPCOMING MELISSA MCCARTHY MOVIE CHARACTER

16. THE LONG LOST FOURTH POWERPUFF GIRL

17. A TELEPHONE PSYCHIC WE’D ACTUALLY PAY TO USE

18. THE NEWEST PRESIDENTIAL PET

19. A PREVIOUSLY UNHEARD OF KATY PERRY B-SIDE

20. A PAIR OF PJ’S THAT I *MUST* OWN (actually, these are already real.  I just wanted an excuse to post them because, you know – AMAHZING, right?)

21. THE OFFICIAL NAME FOR VALERIE CHERISH’S FAMOUS ‘DOUBLE VOMIT’ ANGRY CUPCAKE ATTACK MOVE

22. THE NEW LEADER OF THE A.L.P.

23. LITERALLY ANYTHING TO DO WITH MILEY CYRUS

If y’all could let me know if I’m even REMOTELY close with any of those guesses, I’d be much obliged.  Because if it turns out that 73% of my Facebook Friendship base is obsessed with bedazzled version of Angry Birds, I’m going candy puke..  And then either myself or 427 of my nearest and dearest are gonna have to check into THIS charming institution…