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The Perks Of Being A (Moderately Attractive) Wallflower

March 18, 2013

Sorry I haven’t written here in a while.  I’ve been busy going out and doing things.  Or, as I like to call it, trying to ‘participate’.  It’s kinda weird, because I used to be really good at this, but after spending six months basically not leaving my room, I’m having to start from the ground floor up again, like I’m in the Sydney Social Mailroom or something (I meant that as a corporate analogy, although there like a 73% that’s ACTUALLY the name of a Gay Night at some bar I’m sure).

It’s fine actually, cuz Lord knows I need to meet me some new people.  Truth be told, I’m actually enjoying enjoying it quite a bit.  I always liked going out by myself anyway – it’s the best way to meet new people.  And I mean that genuinely, not as a euphemism for those obscene hand gestures I’m so fond of.  It’s all kind of surreal as I’m finally, after two long years in the gay wilderness, back to my fighting weight and evidently looking mighty fine.  Which is great for getting laid, not that I ever really had a problem in that regards, but more so because people, like, talk to me now and stuff again.  It sounds so funny, because most people lose weight to help them with sex, and relationships, and with the opposite sex.  And sure, it helps, but I mostly use it to make myself socially palatable, which is something that I need to work on.



You see, over the last year and a half, six out of my seven closest friends have all moved out of Sydney.  Some interstate (Melbourne, Brisbane) and some overseas (London, New York).  Which, after six long years here, leaves me with the grand total of one (1) close friend currently living in the same city as me.  Which you’d never pick, because I know so many people and, truth be told, seem to have the reputation as something of a social butterfly, but I guess that’s just it.  I kind of am like a butterfly – one big, brightly coloured, sad butterfly, flitting around, but never really landing anywhere for more than a few minutes.  Which, God help me, might be the single gayest thing I’ve ever written in this whole entire damned blog that’s not literally about gay sex.  And even then..

So yeah – I’m out there trying to participate.  Which, due to the fact I’m basically an A again in the looks department (maybe a kg of two shy, but almost there), seems to be going swimmingly.  It’s weird though, because it’s not like this is just to meet gay people, it kind of works for everyone.  See – I’m 31 years old now and I’ve pretty much been every weight under the sun.  In the last three months alone, I’ve lost almost thirty pounds, and it’s crazy how different people react to me.  The thing is, through all that, I’ve always been the same guy.  But for some reason, my best qualities – like the fact that I’m kind, or smart, or genuine, or funny, or fiercely loyal – never seem to be immediately apparent to people.  When most people meet me – I seem to just come across as some giant flibbertigibbet, but that’s just because I treat new people exactly the same as I would treat an old friend.  But I don’t think the world really works like that, especially when you’re the human equivalent of a hyperactive Labrador puppy.

The truth is, I’m actually pretty shy.  Being bright and bubbly isn’t something that comes naturally to me.  I’d much rather stand in the corner and watch and observe.  But, sadly, that isn’t the way the world works.  And since I’m still about a month of focussed weights training from being a full blown Abercrombie model again, I’ve got to get out there and hustle.  Sometimes I feel like my smile is stretched so tightly across my face that I look like a Real Housewife after a ‘facial’.  I don’t think anyone ever notices though.  It’s like every time I have a conversation with someone I’m literally ‘eye-acting’, trying to make sure they’re wide and expressive and warm and not just dead all the time.  I’m actually pretty good at doing an approximation of an effusively happy human being.  Sometimes I think my friends don’t notice and sometimes I think they just don’t care, because they have their own things going on.  Which is why I’ve decided I need to put myself out there and make new friends.  It’d be nice to have just one close friend again, you know?  Someone who you can actually have an honest-honest conversation with (as opposed to all the filtered honest ones I have generally).  Or someone who will call you up on the spur of the moment and want to hang out with you.  Despite the Mope-apalooza 2013 vibe that this entry probably had, I’m actually a super fun guy to be around.  And I’m nothing if not interesting.  And I’m goofy and I’m funny and I genuinely find people interesting and like making them feel good.

How do people meet people in this day and age anyway?  I used to just sleep with people and then become friends, but that seems to now just produce a string of guys that resent me for not wanting to date them and I can’t take too much more of that (pardon the reverse pun).  Regardless, I need to change what I’m doing somehow, because it’s clearly not working and I’m not going to be here for that much longer if it keeps going on like this.  I just don’t want to have to change who I am, I just want to go somewhere where who I am is actually recognized, or appreciated I guess.  *shrugs*  There’s only so much beating your head against a brick wall that one fella can take, you know?


One Comment leave one →
  1. Tingleberry permalink
    December 25, 2013 10:40 pm

    I guess you can say this movie is heart wrenching in a good way. So many things overlap truthfully to life in so many layers. The times when you feel for someone so truthfully and deeply that you want to say something, but the eyes can say so much more than the stumbling of word choices..or the simple feeling of just wanting to find someone who sees through the happy outer layer, and sees beneath.
    I have a friend at work, she walked up to me when I saw her last time and she asked me “how are you?” I said awkwardly “haha yeh I’m good.”
    She stopped, and looked at me and asked “No, I mean…How are you?” And then I realised she was saying something like “things have been rough, are you ok underneath… 🙂

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