The Best Thing That Has Happened All Year – James Franco Edition
So, basically, my life is now complete. If you haven’t seen his episode of 30 Rock, the I pity you like Mr T pities fools..
Animal Kingdom
So, this isn’t really meant to count as a review, but I just needed a place to get my thoughts down for it.
Just finished watching Animal Kingdom about an hour ago and have finally managed to pull myself together again. Literally spent a good half hour just sobbing on the couch. It’s strange, I guess I knew what it was about going into it but I don’t think I realised how close to home it would all hit.
This is a hard one to write about because, legally, I don’t know what I really want to commit to the interwebs about people that aren’t me, so I’m going to presume that those of you reading this know some of my back story to join the dots together. Even if you don’t, you can probably work it out.
Basically I just feel like I watched the first twenty years of my life played out onscreen with the main character of J in my place. I mean, not literally all of it, like the witness protection parts and stuff, but a lot of the goings on and the family dynamics. And it’s so strange – it’s like you think you’re free of something, like I walked away from that whole side of my family when I was twenty and thought I was fully past it and then, suddenly, one single film can literally punch you int he stomach and just break you. It took everything I had not to throw up at the end of it. To be honest, I’m still trying not to.
I guess I thought I was was free from all of that, all of the feelings and the guilt and the emotions and the hurt and then the way I’m feeling now is just shell-shocked. I didn’t even know I could feel like this. It scares me. The last time a movie made me feel like this was Requiem For A Dream, for similarly obvious reasons.
Sorry if this is rambling, I still don’t really know how to explain how I feel about it. I’m just more comfortable talking about it here rather than dumping it onto someone. But sweet Jesus that was hard. I’m off to see Rabbit Hole tonight and I never thought I’d be looking forward to it for some light relief, but there you go.
Jacki Weaver was amazing, am so glad she got the Oscar nomination for it – such a masterful performance. If you turned around and told me that she spent the last twelve months studying my grandmother for it, I wouldn’t be surprised.
The saddest part is that no one is talking about how amazing James Frecheville is in as the kid caught up in the middle of it. It’s hard, because I don’t think I can truly separate my personal feelings about his performance as a performance versus him recreating my exact emotional life, but he’s truly an actor to watch. Kid has mad skills. For two hours I literally felt like I was in the middle of the movie, it was suffocating, I could barely even breathe.
I guess I just don’t want to ever feel like that again, I don’t want to lack that control. At least it reminds me that I’m proud of myself for being able to walk away from something like that and that I was strong enough to. Most people who get caught up in the same thing never find a way out. The way I grew up taught me how to find that within myself and to be able to stand up for myself and for what I believe in. Sometimes I think it made me cold as well, hard even, but at least it taught me how to survive and how to be strong. And I’m always grateful that I have that there for other people to lean on. And to always have unwavering faith in myself. That’s a nice thing to have.
Anyways, I’m off to see light-hearted family comedy Rabbit Hole now, so I’ll be back later with my final thoughts on the 2011 Oscars. Looks like I’ll be bowing out at 12/15 of the major nominated movies, which is pretty good all things considered..
*Sighs* He’s such a dork. I wish he would just DO ME ALREADY. Hopefully, Kimiko will pop up at some point – I’d always hoped those two crazy kids would work out..
Watch the sexy dorky amazingness that I’m ever so partial to HERE.
(I can’t get the video to embed for some reason. Sadface.)
Anyways, here’s a picture of James and Kimiko – his Japanese Body Pillow and Common Law Wife – in happier times :-
Single White Meals – The Introduction
For the latest step in my never-ending quest for blogosphere domination, I’d like to introduce the next major feature I’ll be working on regularly. As most of you know, I’m quite the amateur chef – maybe not Masterchef good yet, but definitely better than most of the pipsqueaks on Junior Masterchef.. Basically, I’m just like a gay Martha Stewart, without the evil (or the rap sheet).
The thing is, in a post-Julie & Julia world, every blogger worth his salt (COOKING PUN ALERT!) thinks they can write a cooking blog. So what’s going to make this one different? Well, I’m glad you asked..
Basically, like a lot of single guys in the city, I work long hours, am time poor, have never been properly taught how to cook and (dinner parties aside) only have myself to cook for. But I also have a bit of a fetish for tasty food with fresh vegetables (like, real vegetables – not nutritionally pointless ones such as Lettuce or Potato). The difference between me and a lot of other young professionals is that in the last few years I’ve pretty much mastered the art of making quick, easy meals for one that are both healthy and super tasty. So that is what I kind of want to share.
Pan-fried Barramundi on a bed of Grilled Asparagus and Organic Tomatoes. Took me 12 minutes from opening the door of the fridge to having it photo ready on my plate. Simple!
So, for each entry, I’ll kind of be doing the following :-
* List of ingredients that will be made up of stuff you’ll already have lying around plus fresh meat and vegetables. Plus, easy substitution hints for ingredients and tips on what does what so you can understand the flavors and uses.
* Photos outlining step by step of the process so you can tell what to do (in addition to text, obvs)
* A running timer through the whole thing with 0:01 being ‘Opening the Fridge’ to whatever time the meal is plated up and ready to eat. Just to show how quickly and easily the whole thing can really be done.
* Recipes that are primarily my own creation based on what I know works from being a total food junkie. It’s pretty pointless for me to just photocap someone else’s recipe when I could just link to it instead.
* Snarky and irreverent commentary throughout the whole thing because, you know, it’s kind of my thing..
The thing is, I’ve been very lucky to have a Mother who not only is genuinely an AMAZING natural cook (Hi Mum!) but one that made sure at a very early age that I understood the fundamentals of cooking so I could always fend for myself. Since I’ve been living by myself for seven years now, I’ve had a lot of time to practice. I’m also lucky that she taught me a lot about how amazing and full of flavor fresh vegetables can be when you know how to cook them. There are so many people who don’t eat anywhere near enough of them just because they either don’t understand how to cook them or they’ve never realized how tasty they can be.
So that’s what I’m looking to do in a (medium-sized) nutshell. The first one will be up in the next day or two, so if you have any suggestions or features you’d like to see, just drop me a line..
Seven Year Old Asian Boy is Awesome, Renders Needs to Ever Watch Burlesque Again Obsolete..
Thanks to Best Week Ever for the heads up!
WATCH THIS IF YOU LIKE THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME. Well, things that are disturbing but awesome.
Things that are totally messed up in this clip :-
* The kid’s parents for ever letting this on the interwebs.
* Their odds of ever getting a naturally conceived grandchild.
* The fact Christina TOTALLY got owned by a seven year old drag queen.
* That the kid has clearly been on the same Krispy Kreme binge diet Xtina has been on since Burlesque wrapped.
Also, just when you think that nothing could possibly funnier than Cher’s face and Christina’s acting in Burlesque, this comes along and trumps both in the comedy stakes. Plus, you can’t help but love the fact that there’s a 87% chance that indeed that is a seven wear old asian boy in drag, but there’s still a 13% chance it’s actually a 45 year midget woman looking for attention.. And life is always that much sweeter when there’s a 13% chance of midgets..
Now, if this kid can just release a cd of half-baked futuristic electro-pop and sell more than 117 copies, he will have totally surpassed Christina’s recording career this decade as well. Basically, going forward, he should replace her in EVERYTHING.
Here’s the original to help you appreciate the geniusness of all of this more :-
Vodka? It’s Me, Glenny..
Every single person has a ‘Happy Place’ that they go to when the going gets tough. For some people, it’s a cherished memory in their mind. Others, it’s a secret location they can take off to whenever they need a break.
For me, it’s my freezer. As of today, it features four bottles of Vodka and one tub of Dark Chocolate Ice Cream. The best part is that I literally have a bottle of Smirnoff in there that is my ‘Emergency Vodka’ – just in case I ever run out. And, really, what more can a single guy want out of life?
PS – For the record, I’m in a committed relationship with the bottle on the right. I kindly ask you not to judge..
Jill Zarin Tries Hand at Catwalk Modelling, Becomes Centre of Orbit for Gay Cosmic Debris..
Thanks to B-Side for the heads up!
Right this very second, it’s Fashion Week in New York City. And who better than beleaguered Real Housewives of New York City yenta Jill Zaaarrrrrriiiin to send down the runaway to represent, right?
Well, thankfully designer Zang Toi agreed.. And kadoo’s to Jill, after basically spending the 2010 television season being the most hated woman on cable, she’s making the most of her Frankel-free year by looking absolutely faboosh! Sure, she’s still looking suspiciously ‘refreshed’ (although maybe that’s just because all the excess skin is twisted up into her hairdo), but she’s rocking the dress and, unlike Ramona last year, she doesn’t look like she’s been sent from the future to kill Sarah Connor.
Most of all, we’re totally digging the simple, sleek pulled back do. Oh, wait, what’s that? OH NO! It looks like giant stray ball of Polyestor Hairweave has been drawn into Jill’s gravitational pull and has fixed itself into a firm orbit around her head.
Let’s zoom in for a closer look :-
Poor Jill. This is worse than that time she threw an ice-skating party and stacked it in front of eeeeeeeeevvvvvvverrryone. On the plus side, she now basically has a storage container stuck to the side of her head big enough to permanently house Ginger Zarin, should she need any nose cleaning on the fly..
So, what exactly does a Real Housewife of New York City do when she’s got a gay storage container fixed to her head. We sent a field reporter in for a look. Upon closer inspection, we discovered the following also stored safely in the Polyestor Hairball of Doom :-
* Wonder Dog Extraordinaire – Ginger Zarin
* All the Excess Facial Skin that seems to have vanished over the holiday break..
* Missing Season 3 Castmate Jennifer Gilbert
* 170 Cartons of remainder stock of Secrets Of A Jewish Mother
* A sense of smug self-satisfaction that, no matter what, she knows she looks better than Ramona did last year
* Once-worn Teal Louboutins with Price Tag still attached ready to return to Saks
* The entire cast of Ru Paul’s Drag Race
* Andy Cohen’s ability to effectively host a live TV Show
* Lady Gaga preparing to hatch for her next television performance
* AND, best of all, the whole thing is swathed in all the quality Zaaaaaaarrrrrriiiiiiiin Faaaaaaaabrics you could ever need!
The Glenny Guide To… Shea Seger
Every self-respecting music geek worth his salt has a handful of semi-obscure albums that they like to whip out for friends when they really want to impress someone with the originality and diversity of their collection. There’s nothing more satisfying than being that very first person to introduce someone to something amazing and new. You know, to lead the bandwagon instead of jumping on it halfway through.
One of my personal favourite albums to introduce someone to is Shea Seger’s commercially ignored 2001 trip hop/blues/country/hip hop hybrid masterpiece The May Street Project. A wildly diverse collection of hooky tales of love and life after all linked together by Seger’s beautifully husky and edgy Texan drawl, it is both intoxicating and quite unlike anything you’d have heard in years. Produced by a then up and coming The Neptunes and co-captained by Lauren Hill (using a stupid alias), it was adventurous, tender and catchy as all heck.
Album opener and first single Last Time is an soaring piece of country-tinged jangly pop perfection. All the ingredients that make her music special are there from the get go – the knowing and defiant vocals, wryly observant lyrics and a chorus that lodges in the brain from the second you hear it. From there, the album veers all over the course in the most thrilling way possible.
Blind Situation is a mournful beats driven tale of regret and doubt setting a sexy country tinged vocal by Seger against hip hop beats and a guest rap by Pharrell. I Love You Too Much is trip-hop tinged piece of confessional guitar pop filled with great pop lyrics nuggests like “There’s a giant step between love and understanding, and baby I think you stopped at love.” which is officially a great line to open a verse with. The fact that it wasn’t number one on the Billboard Hot 100 for half a summer is just one of those pop injustices that will never make sense.
Ron Sexsmith pops up for the tender twilight blues of Always. Twisted is the kind of sunny but gritty mid-tempo pop rock that Alanis Morissette would give her newly born first born for – a confidently bitter and defiant break up number with everything from harmonicas to drum’n’bass propelling it along to a triumphant end. Can’t Lie is a rollicking bluesy guitar romp that leads into leading into the titular May Street, which is basically a sonic collage of everything that led to the making of the album.
Clutch is easily the album’s highlight. An arresting piece beats-driven pop that is one remix away from being a club smash, Seger never sounds more vunerable or sultry. Beguiling and affecting lyrics like “we count our feelings in yesterdays, is that how you keep your clutch baby?” spin around in a dizzying, hypnotic swirl. It’s the kind of song you could cry, dance, break up or fuck to, depending on ones mood, and that is nothing if not musically economical in times like these. Basically, it’s a mini-pop masterpiece.
If The May Street Project is starting to sound like a country girl going on an indie pop bender, it’s because it pretty much is. Seger grew up in a Trailer Park in Texas being reared on her Pop’s record collection which featured everything from Curtis Mayfield to Pink Floyd. At the tender age of 18, she moved out to London’s West End and started collaborating with a wide range of local underground musicians of varying genres and slowly produced a sound very much her own.
After garnering much critical acclaim, touring experience but no radio airplay or real commercial success, Seger pretty much just disappeared off the radar for the rest of the decade. My best friend and I literally spent the next nine years taking turns googling her name just hoping to find some, any, listing of anything she was doing. And then a few weeks ago finally, almost a full decade later, I discovered a self-titled album on iTunes.
Turns out, for the last decade, Seger fell in love, had a baby (Luna – which is one of the most adorable baby names I’ve heard to date, at least in what was at the time a pre-Harry Potter world). Then her father had a back surgery that went all kinds of wrong which resulted in her giving up on her record deal and moving back home to nurse him for the next six years.
2010’s self-titled release is a very different recording to The May Street Project. Gone is the hip hop and percussion-heavy production and in it’s place is raw, bleeding edges and anguished accounts of heartache, isolation and hard living. Careening wildly from bluesy honky-tonk rock to hushed confessionals, it’s a thing of anger and beauty. Basically, it’s the best album that Lucinda Williams or PJ Harvey never recorded. Seger’s way around writing a phrase is as keen as ever, but now the life experience behind it gives them a real emotional sucker punch the first album only hinted at. Her voice has evolved as well, raw and aggressive where it was once sultry and teasing. The pure, unadorned emotional outpouring on display is the most hypnotic and uncomfortable listening experience since Fiona Apple’s Extraordinary Machine, which is pretty much the highest praise you can give a singer songwriter in the world, ever.
The songs are phenomenal too. I’m still digesting the full album, but it’s a real experience. Pipers Dream knocks you over right out the gate, a rip-roaring, bleeding tale of a broken woman. Last Few Standing continues on with a tightly coiled rhythm shuffle like a snake getting ready to strike over some of the albums strongest lyrics, recounting a man that abandoned her. Halfway through, the pace drops and the album truly shines. Each song is literally more beautiful and heartbreaking than the last. Matter To Me is truly the album’s highlight. A sparse, intimate account of a days thoughts of a woman falling apart and putting herself back together again by taking stock of her life, it’s a six and half minute long masterpiece. The album’s closing track Bending Wood is like the musical equivalent of being baptized and reborn, the final thirty seconds make for one of the most hopeful and cleansing album endings in recent history. It’s a complete and utter musical catharsis that sends shivers down the spine.
You can listen to the new album in full here :-
http://www.sheaseger.com/music/
Do yourself a favor and listen. And, you know, buy it. There are few artists out there today who truly make as honest and affecting music as Shea Seger. Hopefully, the next album won’t take another nine years..
Highlights :-
The May Street Project – Clutch, Twisted, I Love You Too Much, Shatterwall
Shea Seger – Matter To Me, Pipers Dream, Last Few Standing, Bending Wood
An Open Letter To Christina Aguilera..
I’d like to apologize on behalf of everyone who is still making fun of you for the whole Superbowl debacle (even though Star Mangles Banner was an AMAZING headline). It’s time to move on. Take note, entire population of America, ever.
From now on, I personally am only going to make fun of you for important things, like the fact that everything you know about applying make up appears to have been learnt from Bozo The Clown.
Hey, it’s still a step up from looking like The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Baby steps Doll, baby steps..
Oscars 2011 – Progress Update
So Kiddies, this is a very special year for a certain twenty-nine year old film geek. This is finally the year that I am going to see every single major nominated film before the ceremony and make predictions accordingly instead of just going on gut. Actually, to be fair, going on gut served me quite well in the past. I mean, who predicted Marcia Gay Harden winning for Pollock bar me? That’s right – no one. Suck it Blogosphere. (No! Come back..)
So, I finally saw The King’s Speech this afternoon, which officially pushes me past the halfway mark of seeing all the contenders in the Big Six categories. Even with the absurd ten Best Picture Nominees making things extra financially taxing (Academy – Fuck You. Having 10 nominees is the stupidest thing you’ve done since you gave Nicole Kidman’s prosthetic nose an Oscar back in 2003. Don’t even get me started on Julia Robert’s Push-Up Bra a few years earlier..) So, yeah, very good movie. Marvelously acted, but needs to tighten itself up by about twenty minutes to really consider it the best movie of 2010. The thing is, now it’s scooped every single award bar The Oscar, I’m afraid it’s a shoe-in for Best Picture and I don’t think it really merits it. A nomination, sure, but a shiny gold trophy?
Anyways, here is my current personal rankings on who REALLY deserves the awards based on what I’ve seen to date :-
BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR
The Fighter
Toy Story 3
The Social Network
Black Swan
The King’s Speech
The Kids Are All Right
Inception
Haven’t Seen :-
127 Hours
True Grit
Winter’s Bone
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Colin Firth – The King’s Speech
Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network
Haven’t Seen :-
Javier Bardem – Biutiful
Jeff Bridges – True Grit
James Franco – 127 Hours
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Michelle Williams – Blue Valentine
Natalie Portman – Black Swan
Annette Bening – The Kids Are All Right
Haven’t Seen :-
Nicole Kidman – Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence – Winter’s Bone
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Mark Ruffalo (and his amazing, AMAZING ass) – The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush – The King’s Speech
Christian Bale – The Fighter
Haven’t Seen :-
Jeremy Renner – The Town
John Hawkes – Winter’s Bone
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Amy Adams – The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter – The King’s Speech
Melissa Leo – The Fighter
Haven’t Seen :-
Hailee Steinfeld – True Grit
Jacki Weaver – Animal Kingdom
BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING
Darren Aronofsky – Black Swan
David Fincher – The Social Network
David O. Russell – The Fighter
Tom Hooper – The King’s Speech
Haven’t Seen :-
Ethan Coen, Joel Coen – True Grit
Thoughts? Questions? Comments?
Well, it Looks Like Spidey is a Bottom After All..
Glad that only took four movies to clear up. See, this is the kind of character development you can only attain with the help of twenty-seven sequels. Thanks Hollywood – you’ve done it again!
Tonsillitis Sucks Harder Than Whatever I Did To Get It
Wow! So, I’ve spent the last five days basically bed-ridden with tonsillitis, which is, surprisingly, not as much fun as it says on the tin. Which says a lot, really.
Totally awful. Like, fevers and stomach cramps and hot sweats and cold sweats and, horror of horrors, the fact I haven’t been able to eat solid food since Tuesday. Which goes against everything I believe in in life, basically.
Seriously, it feels like someone has taken a beaker of acid and just systematically poured it down the left side of my throat. Awful. Like, I’ve been on a steady diet of painkillers and antibiotics that I’m pretty sure my liver will never forgive me for ever. Breakfast this morning was a handful of pills and painkillers or, as I like to call it, The Lindsay Lohan Breakfast Special, hold the Vodka.
It’s actually pretty handy that my flatmate is a Doctor, even if he is Welsh. I mean, it’s not as sexy as I imagined it, but that mostly because he and my other flatmate started religiously putting it in each other about two weeks after they both moved in and are now the second biggest worldwide symbol of hope for interracial harmony after President Obama. But it is convenient for getting doorstep diagnoses of what ails you, which is very handy in times like this. Plus, it means I can get check ups every day, without having to leave the couch. The funnest past was what I got to find out that the reason that it is taking so long for me to get better is because my left tonsil has literally split in half from all the inflamation or ulceration or something, which I thought was just amazingly gross.
I got a bout of hiccups yesterday, which went for over an hour. That was kind of the worst. It was like having a Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies lodged in my throat and using my diaphragm as trampompaline. Tramampoline. Sweet Jesus, that is the true face of pain.
And I’ve been forced to watch daytime tv, which is just the WORST. I actually sat through a whole entire episode of The Bold & The Beautiful the other day. The worst past was, it wasn’t even a normal episode, it had a very serious voiceover announcing it was a ‘Very Special Three Part Series Shot Live on Location at a Downtown Homeless Shelter with REAL LIFE Homeless People’. Seriously, it took me most of the episode to work out whether I was tripping out on my meds or not. Like, Stephanie spent the whole episode talking to different people, then Brooke and all of her plastic surgery was serving soup in the soup kitchen and then I’m pretty sure they all sang Kumbaya or something at the end. It was weird.
I also watched The Biggest Loser for the first time, which I kind of enjoyed, and not just in my usual way of mocking fat people either. Mostly, it was like complete food porn, because the first few episodes were devoted to watching the contestants in their normal lives eating normal carbs and normal solid foods. I, on the other hand, have been on a diet of Juice, Homemade Fruit Smoothies, Ice Cream and Tins of Cold Chicken Soup for the last five days, broken up with thrice daily handfuls of pills.
To wit :-
That is literally my Jenny Craig Meal Plan for the last five days. I swear, I was ready to punch a small child for some solid food. Like, I would sit on the couch in between naps and fantasize about putting McDonalds or KFC or something like that in a blender and just drinking it up, like I was an 80 year old who had lost their dentures. I mean, I have made some pretty kick nutritious smoothies these past few days, and tonsillitis is pretty much a license to gargle ice cream, but sweet food doesn’t really sate me the way savoury does. I think half the reason my stomach has been crampapalooza has been because it’s been coming down off all the junk I put in it on a daily basis. Well, that and the fact that I’m sure there is a limit that anyone can take of cold chicken soup.
So, today was the monumental day that I attempted to eat solid food again. Well, I say solid, but I got a McDonalds meal, so I guess that’s basically half digested already, right? Anyways, success! I managed to down a whole entire Double Cheeseburger, Medium Fries and Chocolate Shake without screaming in pain once. Huzzah! Although, I don’t know why I’m so happy since I’m the first person in the history of mankind to go on a five day liquid diet and not visibly lose a shred of weight.
The most amazing part was after I woke from the instant food coma that said semi-solid meal put me in, I was left with the most insane heart palpitations that lasted for seriously well over thirty minutes. Made me feel like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, if instead of a syringe of adrenaline, I had a syringe of super-sized calories jacked into my chest. It was so weird, like the affect that all of that kind of food and calories and crap can have on your body once it’s had a chance to detox from it. Because basically I haven’t eaten any sugar, caffeine or salt since I’ve been sick. Makes me consider what I want to start putting in my body a bit more now that I get the hang of this solid food consumption thingamie.
Anyways, imma gonna head up the shops and find some vegetables that put in my best friend The Blender (it’s kind of like James Franco and his Japanese Body Pillow Kamiko, but less sexual) to make a semi-substantial meal for tonight. Plus, I’m trying to keep these puppies 1000 words or less and this is getting wicked close.
Toodles!
An Open Letter to Britney Spears..
Okay Britney, really? I mean, imma really happy you’re making your eleventy billionth comeback and all, but is this for real real?
Here are Five Things That Are Wrong With Your New Album Cover :-
o1 – It looks like you probably spent my whole entire annual wage airbrushing at least twenty pounds off this puppy but you left the bags under your eyes in? What happened – did you get bored and go for an In-N-Out Burger halfway through all that photoshopping?
02 – Your hair (or extensions more like) is greasier than a high school musical production of the same name. I’m not even asking you to wash it. Just throw some talcum powder in it for the two seconds you had your photo taken.
03 – I’m as against cloning experiments as the next man, but that’s no excuse to skin Dolly The Sheep and wear her as a coat. PETA are going to hand you your ass over this.
04 – The picture you used for Hold It Against Me was 67% better.
05 – Your new album title sucks. Femme Fatales are meant to be mysterious and I think we can all agree that, once we’ve seen you flash your cesarian-scarred hooch to every paparazzo in a fifty mile radius of LA, mystery is not a virtue you will ever possess again.
On the plus side, at least it’s better than this :-
An Open Letter To Melissa Leo..
Dear Melissa Leo,
You know I adore you, but you look like you’re wearing a cross between fancy alfoil and one of my Momma’s coin purses from the 80’s. Seriously – did you find this in a dumpster out the back of Area 51? Also, I think Amy Adams was better than you in The Fighter and hope she gets the Oscar over you. There. I said it.
Love,
Glenny
PS – You’re still as amazing as you were back when I saw you for the first time in 21 Grams. Forgive me?
Call Me When You’re Ready to Play with the Big Guns, Kiddo..
Took myself out for a date last night and treated myself to a screening of The Fighter (which was AH-MAZING) and then bought myself a few drinks afterwards at a local bar. You know, it’s important cultivate a relationship with yourself sometimes, Lord know it’s the longest one you’re ever going to have.
So I met up with a mate afterwards and did the usual ‘drink, drink, dominate the music video jukebox, drink’ thing that I’m so fond of. Got home at 2am and got a message on facebook from a friend of a friend asking me if I had been at said bar wearing an amazing Simpsons tee shirt (spoiler alert – I totally had been. Amazing tee shirts are kind of my thing). As luck would have it, it was a kid that I’d been totally eye-fucking for a good portion of the night but couldn’t say Hi to due to me spending most of it providing my mate with two hour one-sided counseling session that was seven hundred shades of awkward (believe me – I give GREAT advice, but I feel bad for anyone who has to deal with my tough love schtick when I’ve had a few. The quality is still tres high but I could do with some candy-coating..)
As an aside – I kind of LOVE the fact that I’m evidently recognizable in public from such things as facebook. I mean, it’s kind of funny to think that random strangers click on your profile (I personally can’t think of anything more boring – the internets is the last person I want to meet someone in that regard off). Clearly, I’m just as funny on people’s facebook pages as I like to think I am!
Anyways – head back out to have a beer with him. Super cute kid, fun. Made out extensively and then he pulls the whole ‘going to go home by himself’ card which would be fine if it was because (a) he wants to make sure his very attractive lesbian gal pal got home safely or (b) he’s tired and not in the mood. Both of these things would have been fine. Like, sure – I would have secretly been all like “Thanks for the blue balls Kiddo”, but I’d accept it. But no. In complete seriousness, he tells me that he’s going home because he “is playing hard to get.” I mean – are you kidding me? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard since The Republican Party announced it’s Vice Presidential Candidate for the 2008 election. Then he’s all – “make sure you call me tomorrow” and left.
Urgh. I get that sometimes you don’t get laid the exact second you want to (although, in all fairness, it’s definitely one of my pet hates. I have enough callouses from lifting weights – I don’t need more from 21 year olds who decided their goal in life is to be a professional cocktease). But I genuinely don’t see the point in deliberately not sleeping with someone you clearly want to sleep with for the sole point of ‘playing hard to get’ or trying to keep someone’s interest. News Flash – people that are going to lose interest in you after sleeping with you are still going to lose interest in you whether they get to blow their load on a first date or a fifth. The only difference is is that if you drag it out to date five you wasted five times as much of your time. What’s the point of that?
Now, I’d like to point out that, for the record, this guy was a really fun guy. A little bit *too* cocky perhaps, but my higher moral ground with being cocky around The Gays isn’t the best, so I can let that slide. Credit where credit’s due – smart, fun, great big ass, sexy eyes and actually managed to mostly hold his own in a conversation with me (if you’ve ever met me, I talk exactly like I write – fast, loose and A LOT.) So it’s just a shame to see him flush that down the toilet to try and create some higher artificial level of interest that wasn’t necessary. Come on dude – you just spent the last thirty minutes alternating between grinding your rock hard cock into my hip and trying to grab mine through my pants. Unless you’re dick was erect at the thought of going home alone, it’s pretty clear that you wanted to get laid, no?
I guess what I find interesting is that all he was doing is the same as what a lot of girls I know do whenever they meet a guy and the same as pretty much all relationship advice books tell you to do – don’t sleep with someone on the first date if you like them. (For the record – I have no idea whether relationship advice books really tell you to do that, I’ve read exactly zero of them to date and don’t really plan to start.) For me personally, when I meet someone, there is nothing I find less attractive than someone who isn’t that interested in me. Which is why I’ve been quite lucky to never have any sort of big torturous unrequited crushes or such (with the exception of the whole Michael saga, obvs). I dunno – it’s just one of those things. Like, who wants to like someone who doesn’t like them enough back – it’s like the emotional equivalent of cutting. I just don’t get it. I mean, it’s a different story if you’re already embroiled in a heady relationship and things go south – once mutually reciprocated feelings have been built up and acted upon it’s not as easy to make them go away. But when it’s just a first meeting, if they’re not keen, you should just put your tail between your legs and head back for the hills – it’s not rocket science peeps!
If I like someone, I’m a firm believer in fucking on the first date. I mean, if you’re not attracted to someone enough that you can resist totally drilling them the first time you meet them, then chances are the relationship is going to fan out at some point down the track.
Mostly, I just find it a real turn off if people play games. Even if the intent is good, what’s the point of creating something artificial right from the get go when you should be laying down (hehehe laying) open and honest foundations? If you can’t truly be yourself at the outset, when you have nothing left to lose, what does that say about you? People who are completely at ease with themselves is pretty much the most attractive trait a person can have after people who find me completely sexually irresistible. So, gay men of Sydney – some top tips there, top tips..
the from the block blog 