Tonsillitis Sucks Harder Than Whatever I Did To Get It
Wow! So, I’ve spent the last five days basically bed-ridden with tonsillitis, which is, surprisingly, not as much fun as it says on the tin. Which says a lot, really.
Totally awful. Like, fevers and stomach cramps and hot sweats and cold sweats and, horror of horrors, the fact I haven’t been able to eat solid food since Tuesday. Which goes against everything I believe in in life, basically.
Seriously, it feels like someone has taken a beaker of acid and just systematically poured it down the left side of my throat. Awful. Like, I’ve been on a steady diet of painkillers and antibiotics that I’m pretty sure my liver will never forgive me for ever. Breakfast this morning was a handful of pills and painkillers or, as I like to call it, The Lindsay Lohan Breakfast Special, hold the Vodka.
It’s actually pretty handy that my flatmate is a Doctor, even if he is Welsh. I mean, it’s not as sexy as I imagined it, but that mostly because he and my other flatmate started religiously putting it in each other about two weeks after they both moved in and are now the second biggest worldwide symbol of hope for interracial harmony after President Obama. But it is convenient for getting doorstep diagnoses of what ails you, which is very handy in times like this. Plus, it means I can get check ups every day, without having to leave the couch. The funnest past was what I got to find out that the reason that it is taking so long for me to get better is because my left tonsil has literally split in half from all the inflamation or ulceration or something, which I thought was just amazingly gross.
I got a bout of hiccups yesterday, which went for over an hour. That was kind of the worst. It was like having a Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies lodged in my throat and using my diaphragm as trampompaline. Tramampoline. Sweet Jesus, that is the true face of pain.
And I’ve been forced to watch daytime tv, which is just the WORST. I actually sat through a whole entire episode of The Bold & The Beautiful the other day. The worst past was, it wasn’t even a normal episode, it had a very serious voiceover announcing it was a ‘Very Special Three Part Series Shot Live on Location at a Downtown Homeless Shelter with REAL LIFE Homeless People’. Seriously, it took me most of the episode to work out whether I was tripping out on my meds or not. Like, Stephanie spent the whole episode talking to different people, then Brooke and all of her plastic surgery was serving soup in the soup kitchen and then I’m pretty sure they all sang Kumbaya or something at the end. It was weird.
I also watched The Biggest Loser for the first time, which I kind of enjoyed, and not just in my usual way of mocking fat people either. Mostly, it was like complete food porn, because the first few episodes were devoted to watching the contestants in their normal lives eating normal carbs and normal solid foods. I, on the other hand, have been on a diet of Juice, Homemade Fruit Smoothies, Ice Cream and Tins of Cold Chicken Soup for the last five days, broken up with thrice daily handfuls of pills.
To wit :-
That is literally my Jenny Craig Meal Plan for the last five days. I swear, I was ready to punch a small child for some solid food. Like, I would sit on the couch in between naps and fantasize about putting McDonalds or KFC or something like that in a blender and just drinking it up, like I was an 80 year old who had lost their dentures. I mean, I have made some pretty kick nutritious smoothies these past few days, and tonsillitis is pretty much a license to gargle ice cream, but sweet food doesn’t really sate me the way savoury does. I think half the reason my stomach has been crampapalooza has been because it’s been coming down off all the junk I put in it on a daily basis. Well, that and the fact that I’m sure there is a limit that anyone can take of cold chicken soup.
So, today was the monumental day that I attempted to eat solid food again. Well, I say solid, but I got a McDonalds meal, so I guess that’s basically half digested already, right? Anyways, success! I managed to down a whole entire Double Cheeseburger, Medium Fries and Chocolate Shake without screaming in pain once. Huzzah! Although, I don’t know why I’m so happy since I’m the first person in the history of mankind to go on a five day liquid diet and not visibly lose a shred of weight.
The most amazing part was after I woke from the instant food coma that said semi-solid meal put me in, I was left with the most insane heart palpitations that lasted for seriously well over thirty minutes. Made me feel like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, if instead of a syringe of adrenaline, I had a syringe of super-sized calories jacked into my chest. It was so weird, like the affect that all of that kind of food and calories and crap can have on your body once it’s had a chance to detox from it. Because basically I haven’t eaten any sugar, caffeine or salt since I’ve been sick. Makes me consider what I want to start putting in my body a bit more now that I get the hang of this solid food consumption thingamie.
Anyways, imma gonna head up the shops and find some vegetables that put in my best friend The Blender (it’s kind of like James Franco and his Japanese Body Pillow Kamiko, but less sexual) to make a semi-substantial meal for tonight. Plus, I’m trying to keep these puppies 1000 words or less and this is getting wicked close.