FASHIONCAP – The Golden Globes 2012 (Part One – The WORST)

Wow.  One year in and we’ve pretty much done a full circle of major fashion events (see also The Emmys, Oscars and Met Costume Gala amongst others) but, FINALLY, we’ve reached the Holy Grail of red carpet events – The Golden Globes.  Otherwise known as the Hollywood Foreign Press’s Official Orgy Room, having given birth in past years to such fashion wonders as, umm, that time Lara Flynn Boyle wore a tutu.  Fingers crossed she gets invited back sometime soon..

Anyway, same rules as always – points deducted for being boring, Whitney Houston or, as seems to be the main offender this year, really, REALLY badly styled hair.  Bonus Points awarded for a sense of fun, panache or drama (like Piper Perabo smuggling a whole Mexican immigrant family under the skirt of her gown).

So, here we go, in order of WORST to FIRST :-

 

SALMA HAYEK & HER BOOBS

Sweet Jesus, this is just AWFUL.  Everything is just wrong with this – the over the top sequins, the two-toned hair, the fact that apparently the front of her dress is providing enough solar power to keep the Golden Globes running long into 2013.  Thank God she was wearing the nights 2nd Best Accessory – Salma Hayek’s Boobs.  Like a good Little Black Dress, Salma Hayek’s Boobs make any woman look good.  Shame she felt compelled to team them with Pamela Anderson’s old hair extensions from the Baywatch era.

 

JESSICA CHASTAIN

We love us some Jessica Chastain, girl has mad skills.  Sadly, said mad skills don’t seem to extend to picking appropriate outfits (or, for that matter, hair stylists) for major award ceremonies.  Looking like a washed up 1970’s Prom Queen in dire need of a lint brush, the hair sucked the life out of what was a potentially interesting gown.

 

SARAH MICHELLE BUFFY

Mocking Sarah Michelle Gellar makes us die inside, so let’s just leave it at the fact the dress itself is alright.  The bleeding colour, faded denim human inkblot test look HOWEVER was like a runway ready version of Rorschach from Watchmen.  She would have been better going with some of evil twin Siobhan’s gloriously oversized sunglasses,  hats and accessories from Ringer – Girl may be evil, but she has great over the top fashion taste.  Ten points for the amazing high ponytail though.  Everything looks better with a high ponytail.

 

MERYL STREEP

For some strange reason, Meryl looked more like she was on her way to the CMA’s.  Maybe her PA got her event outfits mixed up by mistake?  Either that or she’s got a Wynnona Judd biopic in the works.  You never can tell which real life celebrity she’s going to deign to embody on any given day.  Although, when you’re just turning up to receive your 27th Golden Globe, how much effort can you really be expected to make?  Normally, awards are pre-made by category and then engraved with names post ceremony once the winners are announced. Have the sneaking suspicion that instead the HFPA just have a spare storage unit with 50+ ‘..Meryl Streep’ Golden Globes laying around just waiting to find out what catergory they’re giving it to her for in any given year..

More mockery and grossly unqualified fashion critique after the jump..

 

NICOLE KIDMAN

This is what happens when you leave Sunday Rose unattended with a bedazzler for five minutes.  No doubt several nannies got fired over this debacle.  On the plus side, if you ignore the sparkly gold hieroglyphics all down the front, the gown itself is quite nice, easily one of the best fitting pieces of couture Kidman has worn in years.  Although it’s still disconcerting when a skintight gown has more wrinkles on it than ones face..  Loses points for accessorizing the outfit with a mismatched life-sized homosexual Ken Doll, which seems to be a repeated red carpet faux pas Kidman has been making the past few years..

 

KELLY OSBOURNE

Well, you can’t get it right all the time I suppose.  After being MVP at last year’s Emmy Awards, Osbourne takes a rare fashion misstep in this faded K-Mart Gaga Does Dynasty electric blue abomination.

 

GIULIANA RANCIC

Joining Kelly is Fashion Police colleague and evening double offender Rancic.  While both of her gowns were awful, this was definitely the standout of the two for all the wrong reasons.  Looking like a Hobo constructed it out of some reclaimed dumpstered drapery, it was the exact wrong colour for Rancic, who’s first name I STILL can’t spell without googling.

 

HEIDI KLUM

Well, it looks like we can add overly simple nude coloured gowns to things that Heidi Klum can evidently not wear.  Frankly, she looked better in that oversized Jellyfish she wore to the Emmy’s last year.  Plus, wearing Countess Luann’s hideous faux-tive American Indian jewelry is just ill-advised, no matter how close your ties to Bravo are.

 

JESSICA LANGE

Looks like she’s been dressed by the ghosts from American Horror Story.  Either that or she’s hitting a Marilyn Manson concert after this..  Maybe sacrificing some chickens to the altar of Ryan Murphy, who can tell?  Also, some light ironing of ones hair pre-ceremony is one thing, deep-frying it and then leaving it out in the hot sun for seventeen years to dry is quite another..

 

JESSICA BIEL

Every year, when we write this piece, we start by constructing the list itself, ordering it and then writing the text.  And, every year, there is one or two gowns that progressively move further and further towards the ‘good’ end of the list as they’re impact has time to sink in.  This Seventh Heaven Stays At The Little House On The Prairie spin off number is one such gown.  There’s something incredibly wrong with the overall styling (the child bride overtones, the hair colour, the hairdo itself?) but the dress individually is gorgeous.

 

TINA FEY

Otherwise known as the official moment Tina Fey cashed in her ‘Get Out Of One Fashion Disaster Free’ card with http://www.glennyfromtheblock.com.  Who’d she let style this outfit – Elizabeth Lemon?

 

ELLE MACPHERSON

So, firstly – why the heck is Elle Macpherson doing at the Golden Globes?  And, more importantly, why does her dress look like the couture time-space continuum collapsing in on itself?  Never figured the ‘star’ of Batman Forever to be one for astro-physics..

 

EMMA STONE

Somewhere in Texas, there’s a mid-priced Bordello that wants it’s curtains back..  It’s belts, too, probably..

 

ROONEY MARA

See, this is what happens when you wear a beautiful dress with absolutely no panache.  It’s like the living fashion equivalent of a Lana Del Rey SNL performance – all style, but dead inside.  Shame, because the dress itself is really interesting but Mara looks liked she’s more bored than an audience at a Jack And Jill screening.

 

NICOLE RICHIE

Richie is one oversized hairpiece away from breaking into a screeching rendition of We Don’t Need Another Hero – seriously, we keep looking over her shoulder for Mel Gibson or, failing that, a Thunderdome.  Did she come straight from a Vegas residency or something?  She looks like an aging Saloon Wench wrapped in tinfoil.

 

MILA KUNIS

An almost hit but, again, there’s something amiss.  The ill-fitting waist is a little alarming as well.  Kunis is one of the sexiest woman in showbiz, but we just don’t know why a lot of her outfits seem to just be missing that special something – maybe she needs a Stylist With Benefits?

 

KATHERINE MCPHEE

Another dress that ALMOST works.  To be fair, this looked marginally better from the front, but there is something about the shoes and dress pairing here that makes her look like a really stylish Centaur.  Not the best looking for an aspiring actress or an ex-Idol.

 

LEA MICHELE

WOW.  The top half of this is really a hot mess, isn’t it?  It’s like Halle Berry’s famed floral Oscar gown hopped in a Delorean, set it to 2050 and spent the next decade mating with a bunch of the Borgs from Stark Trek.  When we said we wanted Lea Michele to start wearing some more adventurous numbers, we meant something that looked a little more modern, not something that looked like someone threw gun metal up all over her..

 

REECE WITHERSPOON

Looks like a white chocolate love heart with two bites taken out of the sides.  Thankfully, she also seems to be in possession of the single best hips in Hollywood, not to mention the night’s sexiest hairdo.  From the knee below though, she’s veering dangerously into Pinchy The Lobster territory..  Mmmmmm Pinchy.. *drools*

STAY TUNED LATER THIS AFTERNOON FOR PART TWO!