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FASHIONCAP – The Emmys 2011

September 20, 2011

And, just like that, The Emmy Awards have been and gone for another year, washed away in a sea of (pleasantly) surprising award wins and yawn-inducing fashion choices.  Really, all that is left to be said is – THANK GOD FOR GWYNETH PALTROW.  Seriously, her modern Indian Sari for Anorexics meets Ethnic Cheerleader from Hell ensemble was the highlight of the evening.  Don’t get me wrong, it was dreadful dreadful and not in a fun Sharon Stone kind of way, but still.  It was interesting and Lord knows the evening needed more of it.

So, keeping that in mind, here is a rundown of the best and worst of the night with bonus points awarded for a sense of Flair, Fun or Intentional Absurdity :-


Oh Padma – what happened?  Was the James Bond convention next door and this was your Goldfinger tribute?  There’s a BIG difference between wanting to win a little gold man and dressing like one.  Seriously, how the hell did such a beautiful woman and such a beautiful dress die so catastrophically in an explosion of monochromatic awfulness.  And what’s with all the oil?  You look like a cross between a Wrestler and an extra from an 80’s sunscreen commerical..



One of the basic rules of is Rule #7 – Kristen Wiig can do no wrong (see also – The Jane Krakowski Principle).  But this dress looks like someone took a dump on a tablecloth and preceded to tie-dye it.  Even then, it would have worked on a different, less greasy looking hair colour.  And the train looks like someone Augustus Galoop would try diving into.  Actually, maybe that’s not such a bad thing..



Can’t wait to hear what the Fashion Police have to say about this tomorrow.  Seriously though, did I miss the episode where Guiliana professed to an eating disorder?  Because she’s seriously rocking some Madonna arms here and, no offense to the former Materiel Girl, but that’s officialy what we call ‘not a good thing’.  Red was obviously the color du jour but this is a prime example of a dress matching too closely with its surroundings (see also – Julianna Marguiles).  It actually looks like she’s being swallowed up whole by some sort of parasitic red carpet fungus and, by the looks of her, clearly she’s not much of a meal.  Also, the two-tone hair just looks like she glued the wrong colored piece in by accident.


Probably my second favourite color to be sported all evening (second only to amazing blue rocked by my beloved Robin Sparkles later down the entry) but this whole entire outfit is ALL. WRONG.  Seriously, who knew Olivia Munn could look awful?  They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but that loose fitting flap of green fabric over her chest adds at least 35.  Which is a shame, because the rest of the dress has that perfect amount of va-va-voom that so few women in Hollywood seem to be able to pull off these days.  The hair looks great though.



Frankly, I love living in a world where Gwyneth Paltrow feels empowered to do whatever the heck she wants.  Because otherwise we’d be deprived of such amazing, amazing things like her genius guest turn on Glee (CONGRATS on the Emmy, btw), her recent cookbook or, you know, The World According to Goop.  So I just generally like to let Gwynny-Gwyn run free and do what she likes and just enjoying watching the pieces fall where they may.  But there is no denying that she looks like she’s wearing a Dreamcatcher.  Or some high fashion negligee from a factory outlet in Mumbai.  In other words, it’s kind of awful.  And anything that manages to make Miss Macrobiotic 2011 look like she has a muffin top is seriously FUBAR’d.



As Prince once sung “Lets party like it’s 1983..”  Or something.  But for real, this looks like it’s straight out of a Las Vegas review of Dynasty.  Or someone menstruated on a shower curtain.  Definitely one of those two things – VOTE BELOW!



Poor Melissa McCarthy.  On one hand, she’s just come off the back of the Bridesmaids juggernaut and last night’s Emmy win.  But then we have THIS.  Now, women of a certain build generally get a lot of leeway in these things because, seriously, you know there are major problems with finding sartorial selections when someone like Christina Hendericks can’t find a dress that fits in this city.  But this matronly navy blue number looks like you just threw on the first patchwork quilt you could find and walked out the door.  If Adele has given us nothing else this year, it’s the knowledge that women of any age, shape or size can look damned sexy with the right styling.  Try harder.  (PS – LOVE YOU).



As much as I feel uncomfortable making fun of plus-sized people in a fashion article, it’s even worse making fun of children.  But, if I’m willing to give them first place when the situation calls for it, I have to be willing to swing the other way (one of the few times in life I’m willing to swing both ways).  And this outfit is just AWFUL on so many levels.  Firstly, it looks like Britney Spears wearing a doily circa the …Baby One More Time era.  And I’m sorry, but what kind of parent lets a 13 year old have her boobs hanging out like that?  It’s kind of innapropriate.  Look, 13 year old Glenn was pretty much still rocking Flannel and Hypercolor T-Shirts at that age, but the biggest events he had to go to were statewide spelling bees.  PARENTAL FAIL.



Oh hey – it’s Casper The Friendly Ghost!  In a Bridal Gown.  Trying to camouflage in with the wall.  NEXT.



This one has moved further and further down the list with each passing dress.  At first, it was pretty much a contender for Worst Dress of the Night.  But there is something about it that is so delightfully absurd.  Maybe it’s the way Heidi Klum wears it with such confidence and panache.  Maybe it’s the fact that it’s so exquisitely made.  Sure, it looks like a cross between a piece of coral and an upside-down Cauliflower, but it’s almost less dress than pure art, and props for that on a night where everyone else wore the couture equivalent of beige, it’s nice to have a big of fun.  If the waistline was just a bit lower and the top lengthened, we could be looking at the best dress of the night.  Oh well, there’s always next year..



Now we’ve reached the official part of the evening where I like the dresses.  Unfortunately, that’s the nicest thing I can say about the Boardwalk Empire stars inconsistent ensemble.  On one hand, we have the dress, which is pretty much STUNNING but, then, we have awful earrings, wind tunnel hair and mirrorball stilettos.  Also, Paz – you look like you haven’t taken a shower in a month.  Seriously, I thought you were Ke$ha.  Hopefully she doesn’t read this, I don’t want to get beaten up like I’m some B-Grade reality TV star. *runs and hides*



This is what happens when you let the cast of Jersey Shore do your makeup.  Seriously, great dress, but she looks like she’s been Tango’d..  I’d expect this kind of skin tone shenanigans from Jenna Maroney, but not Jane.



Another great dress, shame about the styling.  Actually, the styling is mostly fine, except for the fact that Poehler is kind of rocking her Lesley Knope Power Lesbian hair from season one of Parks and Recreation.  Maybe she came in character?  Almost expected the lovely Rashida Jones to be hanging off her arm.



Little Brittany S Pierce is all grown up!  Lea Michele and Dianna Agron got all the attention on the night, but this is one of the two Glee fashion highlights in my opinion.  Very few women can pull off gun metal grey and HeMo does it with aplomb.  Same goes for the ruffles, this dress is worn so elegant and gracefully while still being very much individual and fashion forward.



UGH.  If I were a woman, I’d hate Cat Deeley, because she just looks beautiful in EVERYTHING.  Wearing what appears to be a piece of tulle that has been attacked by shotgun shrapnel and gold silkworms, Deeley looks effortlessly cool, sunkissed and chic.



Its like she dressed in character!  Sometimes you just wonder where Emma Pillsbury ends and Jayma Mays begins, especially with Ryan Murphy’s famed habit of writing characters based on the his intended actors (see also – The ‘Lea Michele is Really a Narcissistic Bitch’ Files).  But this is just adorable.  Sure, it borders on being more suitable for Ariel Winter, but if anyone over the age of 15 can pull of girly and fun, it’s Mays.



This gown is just gorgeous and the detailing is exquisite.  I’m surprised that the reaction in the media to it has been so muted, it’s so classic and glamourous while still having a slightly modern, youthful touch.  Also, if you’re going to wear a dress that is identical to your skin tone, THIS is how you do it.  Padma Lakshmi and Julianna Marguiles, take note!



Old Hollywood Glamour at it’s best.  Well, except for several of the ladies still listed below…



My favourite shade of the night – just GORGEOUS.  There’s still something I can’t quite put my finger on that is slightly clashing – either the hair colour or the make-up – but there is no denying how hot the color of the dress is and how beautiful the cut.  Robin Sparkles has come a long way baby!



Hmmm, this copped a lot of flack in the media but, personally, I think little Joey Potter looks amazing.  It strikes that right combination of effortless modern cool with it’s own fashionable yet distinct look.  Kind of reminds me of when Sharon Stone wore a Gap Tee to the Oscars one year – simple yet beautiful.  Great color and the hair is fantastic.



This is just PERFECT.  Hard to believe that this is the same girl from The Goonies.  Also, if you’re not watching Raising Hope – you’re a moron.  Well, only if you ignore this and continue not watching it.   Plimpton is amazing.



It’s hard in Hollywood for women with curves to not fall into the trap of wearing the exact same vavavoom gowns every single occasion.  But this dusky peach number is just breathtaking.  With curves like that, it’d be criminal not to keep them so sleekly and tightly wrapped.



WOW!  If Sofia Vergara has to sometimes be careful to not become a red carpet one trick pony, them Christina Hendricks needs to be careful that she doesn’t become a supporting player to her infamous cleavage.  While sometimes her shape causes her to look like a peasant wench from the 1700’s by default, this dress strikes the perfect balance of sexiness and restraint.  Absolutely beautiful beading and detailing, this is one bottle of peroxide away from being Marilyn Monroe incarnate.



I have the sneaking suspicion that love for Deschanel’s gown is in direct proportion to one’s love for her specific brand of adorable pixie magic.  And, since we firmly believe that the 500 Days of Summer star is the most adorable thing this side of freshly washed Labrador puppies, this outfit is being filed straight under AMAZING.  Really though, it’s just a simple beautiful dress worn without any drama, highlighting the beautiful shape and the simple red ribbon belt.  Beautiful.



Just Perfect.  In fact, if it weren’t for Miss Osbourne below, this easily could have been the number of the night.



Let’s be honest, if you’re going to host a show called Fashion Police, you’d better bring your A-Game to the red carpet.  And Kelly did, looking just fabulous in this gorgeous maroon fish-tailed 1950’s throwback.  Everything, from the fit to the light purple tinge to the hair, is just perfect.  This was actually the very first outfit I saw yesterday when the red carpet pictures started coming in and it was the clear number one the whole way through.  FLAWLESS.

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