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11 Things We’d Like To See Included In The Next Britney Spears Video

September 12, 2011

FINALLY!  As those of you who suffered through this years VMA coverage may have noticed, America’s Sluttiest Pop Sweetheart Britney Spears has clearly been reading our blog and confirmed the upcoming 4th single of Femme Fatale is *drumroll* CRIMINAL.

All we can say is Thank God as it’s been a nail-bitingly tense month where everything from Trouble For Me to Inside Out to *shudder* Big Fat Bass has been rumoured to be the next release.  To be fair, as far as Britney Spears 4th single releases go, we’re still just relieved it’s not Radar again.  But Criminal is easily the standout track on the album along with I Wanna Go, and it’s a nice change of pace from the hat trick of chipmunk-voiced anonymous club bangers she’s released thus far.  It kinda reminds us of previous career highlight Why Should I Be Sad aka That Song That Absolutely No On Besides Glenn Seems To Think Is Amazing.

So, since Ms Spears clearly is finally taking our advice at this stage in the album campaign, here are a few things we’d like to see in the upcoming video for Criminal :-

01 – A noirish non-dance routined take on the Femme Fatale theme that has been completely ignored to this point (I mean, really – what’s mysterious about a woman who used to make a happen of flashing her c-scarred hooch whenever the paps are around?).  Besides, Black and White makes EVERYONE look thinner, so think of how much money they’d save on all the airbrushing..

02 – Some random popping in and out of Manholes.  This was offically the best part of the whole Til The World Ends debacle, so why not repeat it further.  To wit :-


03 – More puppies.  Popjustice did an amazing comparison and proved the clip was 34% better with puppies (YOU SHOULD CLICK ON IT AND SEE THE FULL GALLERY BECAUSE IT IS BEYOND AMAZING.  but here are some highlights :-

04 – Britney randomly swearing at people.  There were a lot of amazing things in the I Wanna Go clip – Bikinis, Terminator Paparazzi, PUPPIES, but nothing beats that golden opening when little Britters gets her Louisiana on and tells a whole press conference to go fuck themselves.  It’s like it’s Blackout era Britney (ie – the Official Best Britney Era Eva) all over again.  WINNING.

05 – No more airbrushing.  She had all the charm and personality of an overweight Barbie Doll in the Hold It Against Me clip.  You know you have problems when Kim Kardashian has more facial mobility than you.

06 – No more weird sexy horse fetish flirting.  The Radar video still haunts our dreams forever.  Check it out from the 1:15 mark to see what we mean.  Plus, we’re pretty sure PETA are still pissed about it although, to be fair, they seem to pretty much always be pissed about everything, ever.

Can’t sleep, sexy horse footage will eat me.

07 – Some innovative product placement.  The last few clips have been full of the most arbitrary product placement this side of a Survivor Reward Challenge.  Seeing as the song is called Criminal – why not cut a deal with the NYPD?  Or a legal firm?  Or The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan’s Career? Or THE HAMBURGLER!  Can you imagine Britney dancing with the Hamburglar around the streets of London?  CAN YOU?

08 – Heather Morris doing back up dancing..  Glee has proved that Heather Morris is pretty much the Renaissance Woman of our generation.  Plus, she has the highest Q Scores besides that wacky chick off NCIS.  Plus, a Brittany S Pierce appearance would be sweeeeeet.

09 – A giant python.  Forget Brittany S Pierce – this is Britney S FIERCE.

10 – Maybe a Melissa Joan Hart cameo on the turntables?  It’s not like she’s doing anything these days.. What?  She’s on a show called Melissa and Joey?  Heck, maybe we could get both as a two for one kinda deal?  GENIUS.

11 – Just some general enthusiasm.  Thanks.  Failing that, some more head shaving wouldn’t go astray either..

Oh, and here’s Criminal again.  That would be somewhat relevant to post, hey :-

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