Big Brother 13’s Final 4 – A Handy Scorecard For Those Still Awake Enough To Care

So, Big Brother lumbers toward it’s finale next week and, before the cast assemble for their final Chen-terviews, there is the slight matter of working out which of the Final 4 could (and should) take home the $500,000 and join the illustrious ranks of former winners like Dr Will, Dan, Evel Dick and, ummm, Maggie.

Last night, Fauxprah woke up for long enough to be evicted in a tie-breaker vote which wasn’t a massive shocker, given that the most significant social relationship she built all summer was with the house refrigerator, although she does get bonus points for a well thought out and well delivered final speech.  Unfortunately said bonus points were deducted for pretty much every single other time she spoke all episode.  And Kalia?  You’re no more Carrie Bradshaw than I am, and I’ve got a LOT more in common with horses than you do.  PS – your blog kinda sucks.

So, without any spoilers on who won Veto and who is most likely going home tomorrow night (although, for those like me who’ve wasted a summer glued to the live feeds, it’s going to be VERY interesting), here is a handy rundown of those left in order of who will most likely win and why :-

RACHEL

Oh Rachel Reilly!  You’ve truly turned into the Scrappy Doo of this season, haven’t you?  After being the most interesting and most loathed contestant of last year’s snooze of a season, it’s been fascinating to watch this furry-booted temptress emerge as an unlikely audience anti-hero.  In the spirit of full disclosure, I’ve always adored Rachel.  Sure, she can be hypocritical and full of histrionics at times, and her continued (andoh so loud) hatred of floaters is especially ironic because she basically transformed herself into one at a key point mid-game (see the whole time from when Dopey McSwimcoach was evicted Round  One until last weeks formation of the AMAZING Team Jordachel).  But behind all the botox, drama and awfulness, you just kinda hold out hope that there is a really cool, sweet girl underneath it all, just drowning in what appears to be an almost paralyzing amount of insecurity.  FINGERS CROSSED.

WHY SHE SHOULD WIN : Love her or loathe her, there’s no denying that she’s played HARD.  And in a season where passivity is the gameplay style de rigour, it’s nice to see someone play full throttle, even if it’s full throttle in a mass of sequins and ratty red hair extensions.  Plus, she’s blooming into a late game strategical genius, so props for finally getting a handle on the social side of the game, even if it only took two whole seasons.

BIGGEST OBSTACLES : Even if the last few weeks have revealed a Bookie-less Rachel to be a level headed, socially savvy player, there is no denying that she spent a good portion of the season as a shrill, revenge seeking harpy.  Her irrational hatred of Cassi, the constant berating of Jeff over not voting to keep her Man and amazing moments like her hysterically crying semi-hidden in a pile of plastic shrubbery all show that girlfriend has a ways to go before she’s reached Self-Awarenessville.  In any other season, her Goodbye Messages to the departed Hammies alone would be grounds to lose the game.  Sadly, her competition is…

JORDAN

Awww shucks, we’re just happy she’s still around.  Look, no ones is going to pretend that Little J is a strategical mastermind.  But there’s no denying that she’s underrated as a player.  Even coming in to the house a former winner, she’s been the target of absolutely no one which deserves respect in itself.  She’s basically one week away from becoming the Sandra Diaz-Twine of Big Brother at this point.  If Jordan gets to the end, she wins, hands down.  And, in fact, until a few days ago, it looked like this was in danger of happening – heck, even Rachel was going to take her to the end, which would have been a disaster for the Brenchel Wedding Fund.  But the last few days, it seems like Adam and Porsche have at least got a clue that Jordan is not quite the Final 2 goat they once thought. Sure, she’s like an adorable helpless little Labrador puppy, but she’s played harder than people realize this year and never hidden under the radar, and that deserves major props.

WHY SHE SHOULD WIN : I mean, cmon!  How could you NOT vote for her?  Jordan may well be the most likeable person to ever play Big Brother and, essentially, that’s all the game is really about, strategy fans be damned.  She’s worked hard to cultivate relationships with everyone in the house, shown impressive restraint with Hurricane Rachel when needed without ever biting her tongue.  In fact, some of her conversations with Rachel are a masterclass in how to be totally honest with someone without ever offending them, it’s fascinating to watch.  And the almost blind loyalty she built up with the likes of Shelly, Kalia and Adam without even always being on the same team as them is just brilliant.

BIGGEST OBSTACLES : Getting in front of the jury.  Who in their right mind thinks they can beat Jordan?  Last time around, no one saw this as a threat but this seasons remaining players seem to have finally woken up and smelled the $500,000 coffee.  And her almost completely inability to win a challenge (not for lack of trying) means her fate rests completely in other peoples hands.

ADAM

It was a toss up listing him above Porsche who, at a pinch, has probably done more in the game than the somewhat loveable lunkhead, who is basically swimming in a sea of piranhas wrapped in his beloved bacon at this point.  But, given the right Final 2 opponent, ie the VIP Cocktail Waitress from Miami (as opposed to the one from VEGAS) he could still clean up.  Even if there are several people who HATE him in the jury house for his total inability to make a move (Kalia, The Venus Fly Donato), at the very least, at least Team JJ and maybe Shelly can respect that he did play an incredibly loyal (by Big Brother standards) game and that should manifest itself in enough votes to gain a majority.  But it will be close.  Still, in a season where anyone who made the slightest major game move got removed the second they lost power, playing so low key might have been the soundest strategy of all.

WHY HE COULD WIN : Say what you want, but Dude won competitions when it counted.  And he was a very loyal player in a season where trust was paramount in most votes.  The whole metalhead, Tori Spelling adoring persona never really seemed to grow into anything more than one note, but he does seem like a bang up nice, honest guy and in a Final 2, that often gets rewarded (we’re talking to you two years ago Miss Jordan).

BIGGEST OBSTACLES : The sheer bitterness the jury has to him and his style of gameplay. Anyone other than Porsche, he’s pretty much second place at best.

PORSCHE

Oh Pornsche!  You truly were the single biggest casting fail of all the newbies this year.  Sure, there was a point in time where you looked like you were going to turn into the second coming of my beloved Jenbot, but your blank-eyed guilelessness was never tempered with the hilarious nonchalance that made Jen such a joy to watch and a serious contender for Glenn’s Favourite Hamster of All Time (although there is stiff competition from Janelle, Renny and BB11’s Michele, obvs – but that’s another entry).  Her late game deflection into the Venus Fly Donato Sorority House could have been interesting, but aside from the occasional Mean Girl comment (her jab about hoping for a Medicine Ball challenge so they could save Rachel $400 on an abortion was particularly concerning although could have made her a great tv villain had they aired it), she mostly just blandly floated around the house like a rapidly expanding pink tracksuited cloud of vapidity.

PROJECTED VOTING BREAKDOWNS

Rachel vs Jordan -3:4 – Brendon, Porsche, Adam vs Jeff, Kalia, Shelly, Danielle
Rachel vs Adam -6:1 – Brendon, Jeff, Jordan, Daniele (*), Porsche, Kalia vs Shelly
Rachel vs Porsche -5:2 – Brendon, Jeff, Jordan, Adam, Shelly vs Kalia, Daniele

Jordan vs Adam – 6:1  – Jeff, Brendon, Jordan, Rachel, Kalia, Daniele vs Shelly
Jordan vs Porsche -5:2 – Jeff, Brendon, Jordan, Rachel, Shelly vs Daniele, Kalia

Adam vs Porsche -4:3 – Jeff, Jordan, Shelly, Brendon (*) vs Daniele, Kalia, Rachel

All in all, a very interesting bunch of contenders left – definitely not who you would have picked in a million years to still be standing at this point (well, except for Jordan who was my pre-season pick to win) but not completely undeserving.  The thing that people forget with Big Brother, with all the endless complaining of ‘floaters’ etc, is that anyone left standing at the end deserves to be there as the whole point of the game is to basically not get voted out.  Sure, unlike a superior built show like Survivor, a lot of Big Brother relies on dumb luck, but still.

Also, I want nothing more in life than to spend next summer smoking pot with the Producers of Big Brother.  The OTEV The Pie Eating Shark competition was trippy genius, even by Big Brother standards.  I wants me a Shelly Jelly Pie now sooooooooo badly!