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Initial Impressions of the Big Brother 13 Premiere

July 9, 2011

So, (American) Summers guiltiest TV pleasure just started back up for the next three months.  And I, for one, could not be happier.  Sure, it lacks somewhat the hardcore gameplay and authenticity of Survivor, but what it lacks in credibility it makes up for in crazy-crazy people and the most absurdly sexual challenges this side of cable porn.

Here are my quick observations from today’s premiere.  Bear with me since I’m stuck at home sick with some godawful throat infection which is CLEARLY God’s way of telling me I need to be pickier about what I put down my throat :-

UGH.  HE’S ALREADY THE WORST.

  • Lawon looks like someone got stuck in an explosion in a Fabric Sample Sale
  • I’d forgot how Rachel’s cackle makes the idea of nails down a chalkboard sound soothing.
  • Nobody has brought up the Brendan cheating scandal from last year.  Which is a shame since it would have been a great excuse to link to all those pictures of him waiving his doodle around on the interwebs..  Oh, WAIT.
THE CHENBOT V13.0, NOW WITH ADDED FASHION SENSE.
  • Julie is actually dressed quite nicely, that’s pretty much a (But) First.
  • It’s a shame that Olivia Wilde has resorted to competitive reality tv.  And changed her name to Cassie.
NOT OLIVIA WILDE, APPARENTLY..
  • Porsche’s parents pretty much doomed her the second they named her Porsche.  Good work Mr and Mrs Porsche, I hope you’re very happy..
  • Danielle looks awful with dark hair.  Dick just looks AWFUL.
DAMN BABY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO YO HAIR?
  • All Big Brother competitions are better when there are overt sexual metaphors in them.  Sure, it’s not as blatant as last years Weiner Grab, but watching The Hammies hanging off giant bananas and being sprayed with whipped cream was pretty amazing.  Why doesn’t Survivor do challenges like this?
  • Kudos to Rachel playing as hard as during the challenge.  Everyone always seems to hate on her for some reason, but I find her oddly endearing and kinda funny sometimes, in a terribly insecure un-self aware kinda way.  She never ended up fully being the second coming of Janelle that she should have been, but considering she’s now won every second HOH she’s ever competed in, credit where it is due – she plays hard.  Hopefully she’ll work at building some stronger alliances beyond Dopey McSwimcoach this year.
COME BACK JANIE, ALL IS FORGIVEN..
  • Cassi and Dominic are the two most promising newbies and could have probably run the house in a normal season.  Playing against experienced players though makes me afraid they may get chewed up and spat out as threats off the bat.  Hopefully not though as my man Dominic is FINE.
  • Jeff and Jordan are as adorable as ever, btw.  If anything, more so.  Just putting it out there, but Jordan could totally win again this year, much like Sandra in Heroes vs Villains.  Having been glued to the live feeds all night, the whole house both loves her and sees her as a total non-threat.
NAWWWW.. STILL GOING STRONG AFTER A YEAR AND A HALF.  OR TWO, DEPENDING ON WHICH ONE YOU ASK..
  • And while I do appreciate a good 90210 obsessive as much as the next man, I want to punch Adam in the face every single time he talks.
  • Shelley is the other one who could win the game although, as the lovable older lady, she’s probably doomed to be voted out in fifth place as too much of a threat (Hi Renny, Karen, etc).
  • Kalia – you are not like Carrie Bradshaw.  Louise from St Louis maybe, but not Carrie.  Saying you’re like Carrie Bradshaw is like those people who go on and on about how smart they are – if you really were, you wouldn’t need to say it.  Also, your dress was AWFUL – you looked like your ribcage was made out of rainbows.  Or your Little Black Dress got attacked by an errant Pride Parade on your way in.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER WOULDN’T BE CAUGHT DEAD WEARING THIS.  MOSTLY BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T FIT A HORSE VERY WELL..

Anyway, a very good start to the season – I think this is going to be a fun one (especially since the first player has already quit – see below).  Great group of people and actually a good batch of returning players.  Hopefully they all mix it up and don’t just chew up and spit out all the newbies like on Fans vs Favourites (even though that was probably the second best season of Survivor ever)

Here are the youtube links for those not in the USA like myself.  It gets good from Part 2 onwards..

PART 1 – http://www.youtube.com/wat​ch?v=KFzP9WZSuNU

PART 2 – http://www.youtube.com/wat​ch?v=WXZ6Rrkw0N8

PART 3 – http://www.youtube.com/wat​ch?v=IhhikggKhdA

PART 4 – http://www.youtube.com/wat​ch?v=3r6gip-I0BI

SPOILER ALERT – Dick has already walked out of the house (WINNING) to guarentee Danielle immunity for the next four evictions (one of my least favourite parts of the twist).  People always forget, because of how whiney she gets, but watching the feeds drummed home how good Danielle is at this game..

And, because she really said it :-

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