Congratulations Cher Lloyd, You’ve Managed To Release What Is Very Likely The Best AND Worst Song Of 2011.

So, Cher Lloyd finally dropped her long awaited solo debut track on Saturday.  And I’m not going to lie – it’s a confusing affair.  Mostly because it’s been 48 hours and I still have no fucking clue what a ‘Swagger Jagger’ is and because she has somehow managed to record the best and worst record of 2011 (a feeling somewhat akin to that moment you realize that Tik Tok by Ke$ha is as genius as it is awful..)

Which is not to say that Swagger Jagger is a total trainwreck of a track, just that it’s good bits are AMAZING, but it’s low points are what we like to call THE WORST.  If you thought the latest Lady Gaga album was a bit confusing quality-wise then this will pretty much make your head explode.  Which, in all fairness, may be a preferable  experience to that of having to listen to the positively godawful My Darling Clementine sampling chorus of Swagger Jagger.  It’s one thing for a developing female popstar to play dress-ups in Gwen Stefani’s musical wardrobe, it’s quite another to resurrect the ghost of Wind It Up and try to make it even worse.

And credit where credit is due, it sounds EXACTLY like one would expect a Cher Lloyd track to sound like. It’s definitely a natural progression for the little gypsy girl who auditioned at last year’s X-Factor and emerged as one of the frontrunners.  It’s unfortunate that the unhealthy level of borderline obnoxious self-possession that is pretty much a necessity for a real pop star to succeed (see also – Madonna, Lady Gaga) is such a turn off when laid bare for TV Viewers week in and week out. 

There are some absolutely amazing parts to the song, namely :-

• The verses
• The groundbreaking use of various social media types  as a verb in a pop song
• The best use of a siren in pop music since Beyonce unleashed Ring The Alarm five years ago
• The ‘get on the floor’ hook is AMAZING.
• That Birds Nest hairdo, which would make even The Tweedycole proud.
• It’s basically catchy as fuck.

UNFORTUNATELY, there’s also :-

• The chorus, which is basically unforgivably inane.
• The video where, instead of cementing her street cred, she jumps around bug-eyed for three and half minutes, like some sort of hyperactive Anime character on a sugar high.
• That Birds Nest hairdo, which is enough to house at least seven different types of endangered wildlife.
• A general lack of any guidance or explanation as to what a ‘Swagger’ ‘Jagger’ is and how one can actually get one of their very own.  Like, if you’re going to sing a ‘message’ song, let’s get some brand clarity first.  Maybe it’s something you can pick up at your local Tescos?  Or maybe it’s an STD?  Who knows..

Here’s the clip so you can see for yourself :-