14 Reasons Why Lady Gaga Doesn’t Seem To Have Smiled Since 2009

So, the new Lady Gaga video to Edge Of Glory came out last night.  Now, I’m sure there’s some sort of well thought out masterplan behind making the audio-visual equivalent of watching paint from the 1980’s dry, so as a mere mortal, we’ll leave that be.  But seriously, Lady Gaga – would it kill you to just CRACK A FUCKING SMILE?  Like, just once?  Surely being the most famous woman on the WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET can’t be that hard.  Edge Of Glory could have been this album’s Firework which, Lord knows, it could do with, so why waste it with such a Debbie Downer of a video..

WINNING.

• She’s just run out of anti-depressants and hasn’t had time to go to CVS to get a refill yet.
• She just realized that the sax solo in Last Friday Night (TGIF) is > any of the sax solos peppered through every third track on Born This Way.  Being creatively owned by Katy Perry must be hard y’all.
• All she ever wanted to do was wear the Kermit the Frog dress for the rest of her life and she’s been secretly resentful to the American Public ever since.

• Evidently Teeth was meant to be ironic.
• She just saw the album artwork for Born This Way and realized that composing an album cover with her a a half human, half motorcycle hybrid musical Minotaur on Microsoft Paint basically constitutes the WORST ALBUM COVER IDEA OF ALL TIME.

• As a child, she was on Lisa Simpson’s Dental Plan and basically belongs in The Big Book Of British Smiles.
• She’s still upset that no one liked Judas (except for me, obvs, who thought it was the best song of the year til The Best Song Of The Year showed up two months later..)

• She’s seen the video clip for Edge Of Glory and realized how gloriously boring it is.  But then, the whole thing devolves into a whole Being John Malkovich moment where she’s miserable in the video because she’s seen the video so she’s miserable in the video because she’s seen the video because.. MAYBE SHE’S A TIME TRAVELLER!  This is just like that whole chicken egg thing if the Edge Of Glory video is the chicken and Lady Gaga’s apparent moodiness is the egg.  Or is the the other way around?  MY HEAD HURTS.
• It’s a silent protest against the latest Avril Lavigne song.
• She’s trying to look like she’s having even less fun than Britney Spears does these days.  Which is hard to do, obvs, because Britters looks like she’s just about ready to throw herself into oncoming traffic these days..

• She realized that Clarence Clemons charges by the second and she’s basically blown the whole entire album campaign budget on one interminably long saxophone solo.
• She realized that making an overly dour video t the one even remotely joyous song on the WHOLE ENTIRE FUCKING ALBUM wasn’t a great idea.
• It just sunk in that she basically commercially peaked with Telephone and now that bitch Beyonce is too busy making shit dance albums to help a sister out.

• Evidently being the single most famous woman on the face of the whole entire planet isn’t as much fun as she thought it would be?

Anyway, here’s the video.  Don’t know what she’s so miserable about since, for our money, she has the best set of tits working in pop music today.

PS – JUST FUCKING SMILE WOMAN!

PPS – I would have made an Edge Of Boring joke but popjustice already beat me to it.  Sadface.