Live-Blogging the New The Saturdays Single, Which Is Basically the Musical Equivalent of Getting Blue Balls..

UK girl group The Saturdays released the video for their new single yesterday and it’s quite a promising affair.  Amazing even.  At least for the first 1:39 seconds til you realise that they FORGOT TO INCLUDE A BLOODY CHORUS.  And then again at the 2:34 mark where you realise, yep – that little autotuned bridge part that, that’s meant to be a chorus, innit?  It’s not some sort amazing Biology-esque Poppers O’Clock club track that’s meant to build and build for an innordinate time before exploding into the best chorus of all time – it’s just that the project ran out of funding before its completion.  Ugh.

Now let’s examine this step by step, shall we?

0:03 – Ooooh!  An elevator.  Like Push The Button, BUT NOT AS GOOD.

0:13 – Mollie getting the annual Cheryl Tweedycole award for ‘Most Convincing Performance by a girlband member trying to Lip-synch convincingly to a heavily auto-tuned Intro’

0:18 – Rochelle should really get that gap between her two front teeth fixed.  She looks like Arlene from the Garfield comics.  #justsayin

0:25 – EPILEPTIC FIT!

0:37 – The backing track sounds like Super Mario Bros 3 being played full volume in a Gay Club.  This is a good thing.

0:41 – Verse 1.  LCD display.  AMAZING.

1:06 – Where do I get a The Saturdays office rubber stamp?  AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!

1:17 – The most spine-tingling Oh-ahh-Ohhhhhhhhhhhhs since Britney’s rapture anthem Til The World Ends..

1:24 – Arbitrary Product Placement FTW!

1:27 – Sultry en-masse Lip Gloss application.  If ONLY I could get a clear look at what brand they used..

1:31 – AMAZING bridge.  Just know that is going to lead to something approximately at least 17x more amazing..

1:37 – Notorious belt buckles.  Brilliant.

1:41 – Buuuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllllllld UP!

1:46 – WHAAAAT!?!  2nd verse?  WHERE’S MY CHORUS?  I DEMAND SATISFACTION.

1:57 – Amazing second verse.  But it can’t be a second verse.  Because there HASN’T BEEN A CHORUS YET.  This is disorientating.  Need to sit down.. #alreadysittingdown

2:03 – Some great boob jiggle action..

2:07 – Oh no!  It’s the bridge again.. There had better be a chorus this time or there’ll be riots.  And, by ‘riots’ I mean lots of angrily consumed Vodka.  By me.

2:14 – *taps foot impatiently*

2:20 – Oh.  Sweet Jesus!  THAT was the chorus?  Really?

2:36 – You can’t have a middle eight now without a chorus!  This is an outrage!  It’s a chorus-aster!

2:49 – I’m so upset that I can’t even make fun of their outfits right now..

3:12 – No amount of amazingly gratuitous product placement can make this okay.

3:25 – That’s it?  Seriously?  All that amazing teasing and build up for nothing?  It’s like sleeping with 17 years old girls all over again.

Wow.  I have never experienced anything like that before.  Literally, I had to listen to Promise This seven times just to get some relief.  I mean, a good pop song can play with musical conventions (Biology and it’s 2 1/2 minute lead up to the first chorus is a prime example), but this is literally all amazing tease and zero pay off.  Basically, it’s the musically equivalent of a handjob that stops three seconds too early.  Have listened to this four times now and just feel all kinds of tense afterwards.  Shame, as the rest of it is officially VERY GOOD INDEED.

Anyway, here it is (make sure you’ve got a good pop track queued up on iTunes ready to go for when this finishes) :-