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Dear John

January 19, 2011

(Originally posted here on 4th January 2011)

Dear John,

I figured I’d write this here since I can’t actually write it to you and I can’t say it to my friends on account of us having about eleventy billion of them in common.

Guess it was stupid of me to like someone that was so closely involved in my circle of friends.
I don’t really regret it though, I got some really good things out of it.
It’s weird because it only lasted a month, so I don’t know why it affected me the way that it did.
I guess you were the first person that I actually, truly liked in over three years.
No matter how bad it ended, I’m grateful for that.
It’s funny because I know that it’s just a matter of time until I run into you again.
Did you know that even after I went to all the trouble of removing you off facebook (how very 21st century of me), I still get updates of you every couple of days in my News Feed?
I wonder if that happens to you as well and if it gives you that sudden twinge of ill feeling that it gives me..
I wonder if our friends even have a fraction of an idea of exactly how bad all of this hurt me.
You know, I didn’t even think you were a douchebag for ending it the way you did, I just though you were a scared little kid and I kind of just felt sorry for you.
I think you’re a douchebag now though.
All that stuff that you wrote to me the other week was just really immature and bitter – I guess I dodged a bullet with you?
Or maybe I just hurt you bad too..
I hate that I still think about you.
I hate that I’m writing things like this now.
I keep reminding myself of all the good things I got out of this, like the fact that I’m writing music again – really, really good music.
And it’s made me make an even bigger effort with my friends, although sometimes I’m scared that it’s just a knee-jerk reaction that I don’t want to lose them because they’re closer with you than they are with me.
No matter what, you also showed me that I could have real, uncontrollable feelings for another person besides Michael.
I never in my life thought that that would happen again.
I meant it when I said that I was happy to be friends down the track.
I’m kind of glad you threw it back in my face though because it says just as much about what kind of person you are as it does about what kind of person I am.
I mostly just feel sorry for you.
Because you’re all alone by yourself and you don’t even know yourself barely at all and I think that’s just about the saddest thing I can think of.
I hope I don’t cry the next time I see you.
I hope that I don’t hope that you feel the same.
I wish that you would never again cross those state lines.
But I hope that when you do I feel fine.
Mostly I just hope that you get better and know that I wish you all the best.
Nice to know you, even for just a while,
Glenn

 

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