You’re Always There, You’re Everywhere – Right Now I Wish You Were Here..
This is something that I’ve been needing to write for a while but, to be honest, I don’t really know what I want to say. Or what point I’m trying to make. Or where I’m going with it. But I know that it’s something that is constantly bubbling under the surface, percolating and, in a lot of ways, is stopping me from being able to write anything else because I’m still so blocked by it.
As some of you may or may not know, I haven’t really dated or even liked anyone in five years now. Which, for a single attractive gay man living in one of the biggest Gay-tropolises in the free world, is a pretty big deal. But, the thing is, I can’t. Not that I’m really looking to compulsively date at this point in my life slash career anyway (I mean – 23 was SO seven years ago..) but I miss it, sometimes. Just little things, like having someone to curl up with, someone to make breakfast for, someone to make out with. Just the comfort element of it all. But it’s been so long since I’ve felt that level of attraction or connection or trust with someone in order to do it.
I definitely consider myself to be truly lucky to have even managed to meet a (the?) love of my life once, which is something I think a lot of people never really do (and never really know enough to know the difference). But I want to be clear that I’m not one of those losers that is constantly trying to recapture lightning in a bottle either. Even though no one has really interested me in half a decade now, I’m not holding out for someone exactly like Michael. Or even necessarily like him at all. Lord knows there are a few striking differences that would be extremely desirable traits in a suitor. But I AM looking for someone who makes me feel the same way, that same depth of feeling – if that makes sense? I really don’t think you can have any hard expectations of love when it comes along, but I guess you know what it ‘feels’ like so to speak. And no one has made me feel like I could feel that much in such a long time.
It was funny – I was talking to my therapist (HOLLA!) about it today. Well, not so much talking about it as it was one of the fifteen bajillion things that came up in our regularly scheduled 60 minute Glenny Stream Of Consciousness Monologue sessions that we tend to do weekly these days. But something that I happened to articulate today really struck me as a good summation of what I’ve been holding out for. I’m looking for someone who makes me feel safe again. And it’s weird, because Michael did some really crappy things to me over the years (and, for the record, I ended up doing almost as many back. AND, at the end of the day, he did a lot more amazing things than bad. Just so we’re clear) but, at the same time, he always made me feel safe when he was there. Like I could just put my head on his chest and lie there and I didn’t have to worry about anything. I could just let the world go still and know that everything would be alright when I got back up again. It was the only time in my life with a guy where I could really just switch my mind off and just be IN a moment, as opposed to constantly thinking and assessing every single little thing like I was playing a 90 year long game of Chess. And it wasn’t just because I had confidence in him and trusted bim implicitly, but there was just something about his presence that was like Kryptonite to me. It definitely helped that he was the only guy I’ve ever dated that, for the risk of sounding like an even bigger egomaniac than I already am, was – if not smarter – at least as smart (S-M-R-T) as me. It was a nice feeling. It still is. It was the only time that I ever felt like I was with someone who was my equal, which is really all I’ve ever wanted from a guy.
That’s why I think it’s so hard in the five years since. I meet a lot of guys (and, I mean A LOT) but I don’t meet any that I see as even potential equals, let alone as people that could be capable of making me feeling that same depth of feeling that I felt with Michael. And it permeates everything. It’s not just emotional connections, it’s like he ruined everything – relationships, dating, even sex – every single man that comes along just pales in comparison.
And it’s not that I’m even saying I want him back. I’m not an idiot – I know logically as well as anyone that if something doesn’t work out there is normally a really good reason for it. I just want to feel like that with someone again. Or to know that it exists. I mean, the guy that I was so in love with back in ’05 doesn’t even probably exist any more. The last two times I’ve seen him have actually been really weird. When I was in NYC last August we had sex and it was the most disconnected, passionless thing I have every experienced. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t bad it was just kind of there. Which was so surreal because even up until our last day together back in ’07, even when I hated him so much I could barely be in the same room with him, we still had the kind of electric, passionate sex that you could film and sell online for a tidy profit. It was always, literally, amahzing. So it was so strange to just go through the motions, so to speak.
The thing is, I don’t even know what is real and what isn’t any more. Like, I feel all these things but I don’t know whether the person that I feel them about feels them back or, even, really exists. Its like I see him every year or so and realize that, each time, it’s time to move on and then, the longer the time goes by, I start missing him again. I miss the comfort, I miss the safety, I miss the sex, I miss the way he makes me truly laugh. I mostly just miss the way that he would get me, the way he understood me completely and appreciated me for who I really was, not just the front that I put out to most people.
I guess the thing that I can never decide is whether he’s ‘The One’ or whether he is just the most important stepping stone on the road to where I’m meant to go with my life. I learnt more about life and feelings and writing from him than I ever have from anyone else ever. It’s like he totally changed my emotional goalposts in life and completely redefined the whole spectrum that I exist on and how I see things. Clearly it was the most important and integral relationship of my life but I can never work out in my gut what exactly it’s meant to be.
You know, it’s weird. Sometimes I still feel him with me. Not just that I’ll get certain smells or things like that, but it’s almost like I can literally see him there, lying in bed with me, sitting next to me, talking to me. It’s the strangest thing. For the record, I’m not one of those people that hallucinates on a regular basis, but I get it every now and them with him. I literally once had this whole week in Turkey back in ’09 where it was like he was always walking beside me. We would have conversations. It was like he was on the holiday with me clear as day. I realize this makes me sound like a complete crazy person, but still, it was surreal. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like that?
The one thing I do know, though, is that regardless of whether he is The One or not, I’ve definitely got a lot of things that I’m meant to achieve in life before either he or someone else comes along that I could spend my life with. There is so much more work I’ve still got to do as a single entity before I could even contemplate letting someone else come along for the crazy, crazy ride. Sometimes I just wish I had someone else that I could just lean on like that, every now and then. I miss it.
Anyway, ignore the awful visuals and just listen to this song. The actual video clip they did cuts out the two best parts of the song..
if i made you cry
just tell me why
i’ll try again if you let me try..
you made me cry
you made me cry
you made me cry
yeah you made me cry
you made me cry
hey miss american girl..
** Also, for the record – It’s worth pointing out (in case either Michael or anyone else that knows him every reads this) that, not one word of this is meant to sound critical of him at all. I’ve experienced a few times with people reading blogs about themselves that they’ll only notice the one negative point directly made about them and not pick up on all the context and clarification that surrounds it. Michael was (and undoubtedly still is) the smartest, funniest, goofiest, most adorable, generous and all around sexiest guy I have ever met in my life by a long shot. There is something almost so endearingly childlike about him that makes him both the most fun and the most enjoyable person to be around I know. For all the amazing highs and devastating lows that I experienced in that relationship, I could not possibly be more grateful for all of it. He’s a pretty cool guy.