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The Glenny Guide To… K27, Kiss Me Once and The Top 27 Tracks of Kylie’s Career

May 31, 2014
slutty kylie blowing a banana

Unless you’ve been living under a virtual rock the past few weeks, you may have noticed that Australia’s Premier Pop Export and long time Home Perm Pioneer Kylie Minogue is EVERYWHERE at the moment.  Not only is she the new female face of The Voice (in, ahem, more ways than one), but she’s managed to release her 12th studio album of her 27 (TWENTY SEVEN) year recording career.  Lets take a moment to let that sink in.  Twenty Seven Years.  Think about it – that’s as long as other music legends like Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin managed to live in their entire LIVES.  Heck, it’s older that most of her current FANS (and boyfriends).  So, how exactly does someone in this day and age, let alone one (somewhat) affectionately dubbed the “Singing Budgie” last that long, especially as commercial viable mainstream artist?

Take a moment and ask yourself what is your favorite Kylie Minogue song.  It probably takes most of you longer than you’d expect for a star of her stature (figuratively speaking, OBVI).  Like, at what point did the woman who spent all of the late 80′s and most of the 90′s as a walking (inter)national punchline become one of our most beloved cultural musical treasures?  Pretty much everyone has a point where their love of Kylie went from being some sort of guilty pleasure to a complete and utter unironic delight.  Was it when she got into INXS? Or those infamous Gold Hotpants?  Maybe it was that time Can’t Get You Out Of My Head conquered America and the rest of the free world?  Or are you a late in life fan, suckered in by her latest venture as the official Spokesvagina of the UK and Australian editions of The Voice?  Whatever it was, there is no denying that, somewhere inside, pretty much everyone these days is Team Kylie.  But what exactly has she released to earn her this place of eternal pop ubiquity?  I mean – most of us remember the 80′s and those songs were all pretty awful, right?  So, lets take a walk down Musical Memory Lane (note – not a real place) and look at Miss Minogue’s Top 27 Contributions to the Music World at Large…

kylie celebatory party

 

27. I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY

Year of Release - 1987
Album - Kylie
Australian Chart Peak - 1
UK Chart Peak - 1
US Chart Peak - 28
Type of Kylie - Poodle-Permed Pop Princess Kylie
Defining Minogue Moment - You really can’t go past the impossibly earwormy “I should be so lucky – LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY” hook of the chorus.  It just gets you, every damned time.

So here it is, the little song that started it all.  Well, yes – technically THAT was The Locomotion, but it was more of an anomaly, a freak accident, the very definition of a One Hit Wonder (where in the US, for the better of two decades, it was).  Rather it was this, a Stock Aiken Waterman tune hastily penned in 40 minutes after Minogue showed up for a meeting they’d completely forgotten about, that went and cemented Kylie as a legitimate chart force and smashed sales records (for both Vinyl Singles and Hair Scrunchie Sets) worldwide.  So, what is it about this three minute long string of leftover bubblegum that created such an enduring pop behemoth?  Sure, the vocals are kind of abysmal and the “I should be so lucky – lucky lucky lucky” hook has all the subtlety of a sledgehammer, but all the other hooks throughout the song (the spectacularly crafted “in my imagination, there is no..” key change springs to mind) help keep it in your head, even 27 years later.. And the video is just so damned ADORKABLE that it basically paved the way for Zooey Deschanel’s entire career.

 

 

26. LOVE AFFAIR

Year of Release - 2001
Album - Fever
Australian Chart Peak - N/A
UK Chart Peak - N/A
Type of Kylie - Sultry Poppers O’Clock Kylie
Defining Minogue Moment - The “close your eyes – so you can see..” bridge is still one of the sexiest and most commanding come ons in the history of music, ever.

Then, on the other hand, we have the smash hit single that never was.  While Come Into My World will always be remembered as both one of the greatest videos of Kylie’s career (watch it HERE) as well as being her very first Grammy win, it was this dark dancefloor stormer thats lack of release is a blackest mark on her career. One of the standout tracks on career peak Fever, it was absolutely SCREAMING for a commercial single release, before everyone apparently chickened out and went with watered down Can’t Get You Out Of My Head retread Come Into My World instead.  To think there was a time in Kylie’s career when THIS wasn’t good enough to be a single is just astounding, especially when you consider that she’d pretty much sell Dannii’s firstborn for anything even remotely this commercially appealing these days..

 

25. SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

Year of Release - 2014
Album - Kiss Me Once (Special Edition)
Australian Chart Peak - N/A
UK Chart Peak - N/A
Type of Kylie - Electroballad Kylie
Defining Minogue Moment - The whole entire chorus is spine-tinglingly heartbreaking, but the “what is it she does that I don’t do / was it not enough that I loved you?” second verse is just DEVASTATING.

Speaking of Team Kylie’s endlessly fascinating and increasingly baffling attitude towards her own material, we come to THIS little number from her latest release.  A sparkling, mid-tempo slow-burner that manages to be both haunting, emotionally affecting and blessed with a hook so catchy that even the world’s most inept angler could land with it, it somehow managed to be deemed worthy of no more than a lowly Bonus Track berth.  Much of the criticism hurled in the direction of Kylie’s career this past decade or so isn’t to do with the quality of her material per se, but with the fact much of it is so clearly unsuited for what the public at large wants to hear from a fading 46 year old former popstrel.  This doesn’t mean her time in the mainstream sun is over by any means, just that there needs to be more care taken with what material is selected.  So the fact that something this mature, catchy and creatively satisfying can’t even make it onto the official tracklisting, but tuneless and age inappropriate tripe like Sexercise can, is just mind boggling.  THIS IS WHY YOU CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS KYLIE!

 

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Ranking The Past 28 Survivor Winners From Worst To First

May 22, 2014

Having just crowned our 28th (28th!) Champ mere hours ago, what better time to stroll down Survivor Memory Lane (N.B. Not a real place, although probably the working title for a majority of the seasons we’ve had this decade) and update our Epic countdown from last few years (see previously editions HERE and HERE).

Now, we’re the first to tell you that there is genuinely no one set way to win the game – besides getting to the end and receiving a majority of the votes (are you listening Russell?) – and that’s what makes coming up with an objective and definitive ranking a hard task indeed.  Every player comes from a different deck of cards, so we’re assessing them on how well they played with the hand they were dealt.  We’re grading them on their individual winning game so, while Parvati may overall be considered the greatest female player of all time, only her winning game in Micronesia is deemed relevant to this discussion.

Points will be awarded for various things, for example :-

  • CONTROL - How much control contestants had in getting themselves to the end and how much of that winning journey was actively planned.
  • GAME AWARENESS - How well the contestant read the game and tribal dynamics over 39 days and made deliberate and informed choices, versus stumbling ass backwards into a win.
  • DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY - How many obstacles were on their road to victory (whether it be game structure, fellow competitors or even their own personal limitations).
  • CHALLENGE WINS/IDOL PLAY - While Terry Deitz-ing your way to the Final 3 may look impressive on the surface, the elite players never need to rely on an Immunity Idol or Necklace in order to survive a vote unscathed.  Now, being able to work one or both into your overall strategy is a different story, but a truly great game isn’t defined by something as arbitrary as how good one is at glorified carnival games..
  • JURY MANAGEMENT - As stated above, the only single way to win Survivor is to convince a Jury of your previously eliminated peers to give you a majority of votes at the end.  How much of this factored into their gameplay and how many of these eventual votes were *for* them, versus just being the lucky recipient of BJS (Bitter Jury Syndrome).
  • SHEER LUCK - Whether good or bad, luck will always play a factor in the game of Survivor.  How a player maximises or minimises their own is the real testament to their overall skill.

So, without further ado, lets start from the bottom (and no, for once we DON’T mean Sash)..

 

28. NATALIE WHITE – SAMOA

survivor natalie white bikini

 

Hands down the most maligned Survivor winner OF ALL TIME, due to her shocking (SHOCKING) defeat of Russell Hantz a few years back.  Whilst her social game was approximately one million times more impressive than said bandy-legged troll (on account of her actually, ya know, HAVING ONE), she loses major points because going into the Final Tribal Council, not one single person from that jury was even planning on voting for White (they were split between Hantz and apparently feckless Dr Mick) – but she won them over with her thoughtful and honest answers.

Plus, she beat a rat to death with a stick.  I mean – what’s not to love? :-

BEST MOVE : Orchestrating the pivotal merge boot of (the incredibly sexy) Erik, that set the whole Galu post-merge crumble in motion.
SHOULD HAVE WON : *sigh* Russell.  Whilst his social game was just AWFUL, he did play an incredible strategic game and changed the way Survivor was played forever.

 

27. BOB CROWLEY – GABON

survivor bob shirtless

 

Who?  GaBob sauntered along most of season 17 half-asleep, crafting a few (admittedly impressive) fake immunity idols along the way.  Loses points for the fact that he was planning to take Matty to the end who would have kicked his ass ten ways to Sunday.  Also for the fact that Randy (who cast the pivotal vote for his eventual 4:3 victory) was planning to vote for Susie to win that night until she totally (and inexplicably) burned him on his jury question.  That’s right people – there’s an alternate timeline out there where SUSIE SMITH IS THE WINNER OF SURVIVOR : GABON.  It’s a very dark place indeed.

BEST MOVE : Playing the Granddaddy role to human waterworks Sugar, who forced the Final 4 tie that allowed him a spot in front of the Jury in the first place.
SHOULD HAVE WON : The aforementioned Tear Fountain herself.  Sugar basically controlled the entire game post-merge without once becoming a target.  If she had’ve actually decided to play for the title of Sole Survivor instead of just Fan Favourite, it all could have turned out so very, very different.

 

 26. SANDRA DIAZ-TWINE – PEARL ISLANDS

survivor sandra pearl islands pointing

 

Also known as the only two-time winner in Survivor’s 28 season history.  Less well known for winning through sheer virtue of not being Lil or Jonny Fairplay.  Gains points for pioneering and perfecting the “As Long As It Ain’t Me” voting strategy (Rob C in Survivor : Amazon played similarly, but not to the same blatantly mercenary effect Sandra did).  Loses points for having no real control over her own fate in the game.  While she deserves props for constantly keeping herself positioned one up from the bottom, her actual win came solely down to the fact that Final Immunity winner Lil knew she couldn’t beat either of her opponents and figured that at least if she took Sandra to the end and gave her the win, the million dollars wouldn’t be as likely to be blown on blowjobs and blow (or strippers and coke, as it was put).

DON’T TAKE OUR WORD FOR IT THOUGH – Here’s an amazing clip of Sandra’s Grade A Social Skills that won her her first cool mill.  “I CAN GET LOUD TOOOOO!” :-

BEST MOVE : Openly having her vote for sale at every Tribal Council.  Warring factions kept using her to vote each other out, ensuring she was a necessary vote and never the target.
SHOULD HAVE WON : Umm, no one?  Is ‘no one’ an option?  Pearl Islands was a rollickingly entertaining season with Tie-dyed Outcasts, ACTUAL Outcasts and Dead Grandparents Galore, but no real strong strategic players post-merge to speak of.  Or, for that matter, pre-merge.  Actually, quips aside, Jonny Fairplay 100% deserved the win that season and is actually an incredibly underrated and lethal player, as he immediately proved in Micronesia (at least until the prescription med withdrawal kicked in..)

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The 19 Greatest Pokemon Books You Never Read (Yet)

May 9, 2014

There are a lot of amazing things that the internet has given us over the years – social networking, funny cat videos, PORN.  But this week it managed to surpass itself.  Dare I say it, but – it EVOLVED.  Thanks to intrepid Buzzfeed reporter Alanna Okun and the Bermuda Triangle of Productivity that is Twitter, we now have the greatest gift the internet has ever produced.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you ….. #PokemonBookTitles

AMAZING.

AMAZING.

AMAZING.

It’s BOOKS.  But with POKEMON in it!  Literature AND Computer Games – it’s like my two best friends had a child and now I don’t need either of them anymore because their child is just THE BEST.  Obviously, once I stumbled upon this, I couldn’t do anything BUT come up with a few of my own.  Now, keeping in mind I could never hope to top the heartbreaking work of staggering genius that is Catcher In The Raichu, or 100 Years Of Geodude (and not to mention the fact that everything I learnt about photo editing I learnt from MS Paint), but here are a few classics I came up with myself, using all the finest techniques a 2007 edition Macbook can provide…  So – ENJOY!

01. THE ADVENTURES OF PSYDUCKLEBERRY FINN

Considered by many to be the first Great American Novel, The Adventures Of Psyduckleberry Finn tells the (now) legendary tale of a young Pokémon traversing the notorious Mississippi River and the unlikely friendship he forges with a socially outcast Ginger Pokémon Trainer along the way.

the adventures of psyduckleberry finn

 

02. THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF SEAKING

The classic 1984 post-modern masterpiece by Milan Kundera is about two women, two men and the large, orange Water Pokémon that opens their lives to the artistic and intellectual revolutions happening in Czech Society at the time.

the unbearable lightness of seaking 2

03. THE SQUIRTLE HOUSE RULES

A touching tale of a young Squirtle who selflessly devotes his life to covertly helping Trainers dispose of unwanted Pokémon instead of subjecting them to the horrors of battle.  Also an much lauded and Academy Award nominated movie of the same name, starring a then unknown Tobey Maguire as the selfless Squirtle at the centre of the story.

the squirtle house rules

 

04. HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE JYNX

The 5th book in J.K. Rowling’s famous series finds Harry helpless as a scheming Team Rocket overthrow Professor Oaks and slowly take over the Pallet Town Pokémon Academy.  Thankfully, a long dormant secret society of heroic cross-dressing Psychic Pokémon reform, and together they fight the twin forces of evil and understated fashion ennsembles.

harry potter and the order of the jynx

 

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Survivor 28 – Merge Report, Winner Picks and Why Jeff’s Twists Need To Quit

April 10, 2014

HOLY HELL.  Have you been watching Survivor this season?  We’re already and the merge mark and, no joke, this season is shaping up to be a Top 5 Season of ALL TIME candidate.  Seriously.  It feels like a belated April Fools Day joke (coincidentally – the day I actually sat down and wrote a good chunk of this article before my general life distraction got in the way), but this 28th season of Survivor has managed to be non-stop phenomenal.  Which is all the more impressive when you consider all the bad signs going in.  I mean – look at all the twists.  And the stunt casting.  And the fact that it was filmed in some bizarro world where Survivor steals ideas from Allison Grodner’s Evil Workshop of Evilness.  But, yet, here we are.

THE REAL SHOCKER THIS SEASON IS JUST HOW DAMNED GOOD IT IS..

THE REAL SHOCKER THIS SEASON IS JUST HOW DAMNED GOOD IT IS..

So, what is it about this season that is making it so amazing?  Firstly, the casting has been top notch.  Out of the eighteen players, all of them have delivered and deserved their spot to some degree.  Even the more anonymous Mactor-types have brought us either sleazily scattershot gameplay (Jeremiah) or been delightfully disdainful (Morgan).  The editors has helped this by really bringing their A-Game this year and giving us equal time to get to know each contestant and nicely setting up both their game and reasons they left.  Pretty much every boot so far has left us with a lasting impression of who they were as a character and been memorable to some degree (J’Tia, Garrett and Brice in particular were all TOP NOTCH casting).

GARRETT, WHO WAS ONE OF THE, ERRR, *BIGGER* CHARACTERS OF THE SEASON..

GARRETT, WHO WAS ONE OF THE, ERRR, *BIGGER* CHARACTERS OF THE SEASON..

Also, not having returning players has really let these newbies shine.  The thing that Probst and the suits at CBS never seem to get is that yes, while we love watching big characters being brought back, what we love even more is watching a fair fight.  Keep the All Stars to All Star seasons.  AWESOME.  Heroes vs Villians is and probably always will be the single greatest season of a competitive reality tv show EVER.  But arbitrarily mixing in a couple of returning players into a pool of newbies is never fun to watch, because it’s an unfair fight – it’s like watching the Boston Red Sox take on your local Little League.  Sure, it’s exciting for a few minutes seeing big hitters in your hometown, but there’s no thrill in watching the game, no actual drama.    Because the logistical advantage of being a returning player is too great.

The fact that the few seasons where the new player has totally owned the game (Guatemala and South Pacific come to mind), they’ve totally hidden the winner’s story and focussed on the returnees.  If this kind of format is ever going to truly work, you’ve got to do it right – people LOVE the story of David vs Goliath.   But you know what they DON’T care about?  The story of how Goliath is really just a self-entitled asshole who was never that great to being with, and ends up gettng arbitrarily slain by some nameless townsperson who is a basically glorified extra.  Which is especially upsetting considering Danni and Sophie both played Top Tier games that were deliberate and calculated (see our Ultimate Survivor Winner Ranking article HERE) – all the things that we should respect in a Survivor winner.  I mean – what’s the point in spending hundreds of thousands of dollars casting a TV show if you’re not even going to pay attention to two thirds of the people in the first place?  It has all the dramatic momentum of watching a bad slasher flick.

SURVIVOR'S BALANCING ON THE DOGHOUSE PROBST IS IN FOR AS LONG AS HE KEEPS RAMMING SHITTY TWISTS AND RETURNING PLAYERS DOWN OUR THROATS.

SURVIVOR’S BALANCING ON THE DOGHOUSE PROBST IS IN FOR AS LONG AS HE KEEPS RAMMING SHITTY TWISTS AND RETURNING PLAYERS DOWN OUR THROATS

Anyway, enough of THAT rant – let us go back to the land of Cagayan, where comedy accents are plentiful and everybody is getting thinner but their chests are magically staying the exact same size.  With tribes evenly divided and no one faction in power (thanks to the three tribe twist which, as with in Philippines, is proving to be the safest bet yet to ensure the kind of continued alliance instability and fluid gameplay that is the mark of all the greatest seasons), all signs point to a complete clusterfuck of a post merge – and what more could we really want as viewers?

So, based purely on the editing (i.e. what we’re being shown on air versus what’s getting left behind in the excellent weekly CBS Insider deleted scenes, and also what we glean from the press exit interviews), lets break down our official winner picks for season :-

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23 Things That I’m Constantly Disappointed Candy Crush Is Not..

November 15, 2013

One of the advantages of social media (Facebook, Twitter) these days is the previously unfathomable level of minute to minute contact it gives us to our nearest and dearest.  What they’re wearing, who they love, what Weight Watchers meal they’ve artfully rearranged for Instagram – it’s all RIGHT THERE for your enjoyment and insta-consumption. The downside to this, of course, is that you’re also subjected to whatever banal obsessions happen to have struck their fancy on any given week.  Now, this in itself is fine if you’re friends with an interesting fella like me, who is only obsessed with AWESOME things like Food and Sex and British Girlbands and the many, many looks of Julie Chen.  But it turns out that literally hundreds of MY friends are obsessed with someone/where/thing that is called ‘Candy Crush’. Now, the upside to never listening to radio or watching free to air TV (or basically never doing anything in life ever without reading about it first and actively seeking it out) is that your exposure to communicable pop culture diseases is greatly minimized.  Angry Birds – never played it.  Desperate Housewives – only watched season one.  Gangnam Style – don’t even know exactly what that is. (like – is it a song?  Is it an suit?  Is it Superman?)  And, seriously – think how much more swell YOUR life would be if you could say the same?  It’s like, imagine if the ghost of Christmas future told you to stop watching Smash after the pilot, wouldn’t you still look back fondly on it – instead of hating it with the fiery, fiery passion that is usually reserved for every single Ryan Murphy show EVER? In all honesty, it seems like these days I can’t log onto social media without finding it full of pointless posts of this so-called ‘Candy Crush’.  And that’s wasting valuable newsfeed space that could be filled up with useful things, like status updates, or gay porn.  It’s insane.  I swear, if my days weren’t already so busy with my jam-packed schedule of napping, chronically masturbating and freebasing black coffee whilst watching the Big Brother Live Feeds, I’d just about scream. So, what is this ‘Candy Crush’ exactly anyway?  From what I can tell, it’s some sort of game, and not the sort of one *I* usually play.  And judging be the rate it’s spreading through my friendship base, Gwyneth Paltrow is due to be scalped by medical professionals within a week..  Fortunately, things are all good in Case Del Glenn – I’ve seen the warning signs, I’ve avoided all contact and I’m stocked up with enough cans of tunafish to pretty much last out the rest of the year (or reinvent myself as a lesbian in the process). So, while I keep myself cooped up and safe from cyber infection, here are some of my best guesses are to who or what this Candy Crush really is :-

01. A CONTESTANT ON THE UPCOMING SEASON OF DRAG RACE.

candy crush drag queen lollipop

02. SOMETHING THEY SERVE AT PINKBERRY

candy crush pinkberry

03. A GAY SUPERHERO

candy crush gay superhero 2

04. THE PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN FINAL EVOLUTIONARY STAGE OF A POKEMON

candy crush jigglypuff log

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The New Adventures Of Drunk Glenn – A REINTRODUCTION (and Series of Obscure Pop Culture Comedy Selfies)

October 24, 2013
Glenn - dork at work

Hey Guys – Whattup?  Just thought I should that I should take a few minutes out of my busy, busy schedule and introduce myself to all you newbies (and explain to all you less-newbies) who exactly I am and whose faceless rantings you’re reading right now (my actual face is AFTER THE JUMP).

So, who am I anyway?  Well, for the most part, I’m actually a pretty cool guy.  Decent even.  I’m kind of like that goofy fat guy who plays the best friend in every rom-com ever, except for some strange reason I have abs you could grate cheese off – which baffles me (even) more than it baffles you if we’re perfectly honest.  And whilst there is a separate, more serious and in-depth entry about why I haven’t been around much on here this year, I am sorry that I haven’t kept you guys as entertained as you’re used to.  Mostly, I’ve just been busy working, and those precious few hours of free time I have each day where I’m not binge-eating, sleeping or jerking off furiously, I’ve been trying to finish up a few writing projects that could actually be really big.  Like, I have nothing but mad props for people that blog (honestly – it’s hard work and dedication, no matter how much of it is basically you trying to fellate your own navel several times a week), but this isn’t my big writing goal in life.  Mostly, it’s just something I do to keep the writing part of my brain active, and it’s kind of a word vomit barf bag that I can write impassioned pieces about movies and music and reality TV without boring the assholes off my friends.  Basically, it’s the one form of writing where I can be totally self-indulgent (albeit sometimes intelligently) and just relax into the fact that anyone bothered to read beyond the shirtless photos is doing so because they’re just as into the same weird fringe shit that I am and thus aren’t glazing over in boredom at any given minute.

The thing is – with all of my other writing, it’s ALWAYS so expressly written with an audience in mind.  Whether it’s my songwriting or my screenplays, my strength as a writer is not my brilliant way with words, but my ability to not just understand an audience, but know *exactly* how to make someone FEEL something, whether it’s laughter or sorrow or just that basic human desire for connection and comfort.  I may never win an Oscar, but we’re probably not too far away now from the time where I’m mentioned in the same breath as Kevin Williamson or Ryan Murphy (without the formers self-imposed years in the commercial wild and the latter’s crippling levels of Creative ADHD).

GLENN TRASH CANTHEY SAY YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON BY GOING THROUGH THEIR TRASH. AND, CONSIDERING THE SHEER AMOUNT OF EMPTY BOOZE BOTTLES, CANDY BAR WRAPPERS, NOVELTY POP CULTURE MUGS AND EMPTY CONDOM PACKETS IN PLAIN VIEW, I’D SAY MONA RAMSEY AND KE$HA MIGHT BE RIGHT..

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Ranking The Past 15 Seasons of Big Brother From Worst to First – PART TWO

October 21, 2013

GOOD EVENING AMERICA – And WELCOME BACK to tonights thrilling final instalment in out epic two part countdown of all that is great about Summer’s best worst show.  After last weeks episode eliminated the first seven contestants (relive all the highlights in black and white HERE), we make our way through the Final 8 after the break.  Who will be voted out next?  Who should be getting ready for their Chen-terview?  And who have we very conclusively and scientifically proven deserves the honour of coming in (But) First?  Let’s eavesdrop on the remaining houses…

08 – SEASON FIVE

WINNER - Drew Daniel
ARBITRARY TWIST - “Project DNA”.  Which stood for “Do Not Assume”.  And referred to NOT JUST a long-lost (and previously unknown!) half-brother and sister being reunited in the house, but also the revelation that housemate Adria was actually a set of identical twins who swapped places every other day (see clip below).
HOUSEGUESTS WE’D MOST LIKELY EXPECT TO SEE AGAIN - Nakomis is really due for one last shot of glory after her pointless boot in BB7, and we also always had a soft (semi hard) spot for Wil.  Plus Adria and or Natalie would be a nice tribute to one of the greatest BB twists that ever was.

BB5 Project DNA

In a lot of ways, season five is really where modern day Big Brother was truly born.  S2 introduced us to basic strategy.  S3 gave us well thought out and engaging casting.  S4 is where Grodner first dipped her hands into the ether and delivered the first of many, many batshit insane twists to come.  But it was Season Five where, for the first time, all of these key components of Big Brother life as we know it coalesced into one big compelling whole.  And what a whole it was!  From historic game-defining strategic firsts (Nakomis’s ‘Six Finger’ Plan – see HERE, Diane’s equally impressive but oft-overlooked plot to hijack the power from the Final Five Veto) to the delightfully bonkers twists (Long Lost Siblings! Identical Twins! Holly!), Season Five was one big joyride from start to finish.  And while it set the precedent for blandly deserving winners (aka the proto-Hayden Drew), it’s overall cast is one of the strongest and most entertaining in the shows history, making for a consistently engaging run. Plus, Diane’s season long spiral into complete and utter Tanorexia basically INVENTED Jersey Shore, and means we basically can’t watch anything from the second half of this season without breaking out into Willy Wonka songs which, let’s face it, is an AWESOME problem to have.

BEST MOMENT - Lesbehonest, the Twin Twist is basically the GOAT moment of not just US Big Brother, but Big Brothers EVERYWHERE.  Short of them both being played by Sheryl Lee, this could not have been more perfect.

 

07 – SEASON ELEVEN

WINNER - Jordan Lloyd.
ARBITRARY TWIST - The “Cliques” (Brains vs Athletes vs Outcasts vs Popular Kids aka some special school production of The Breakfast Club)
HOUSEGUESTS WE’D MOST LIKELY EXPECT TO SEE AGAIN - Obviously Big Jeff is a dead cert from now til the end of time (even though we’d much rather see Jordan, to be perfectly honest with y’all), Russell, Michele.  And maaaaaaaaybe Jessie, if only for the fact he seems to live permanently in the outer-reaches of the CBS Backlot these days from what we can tell…

BB11 bikinis

Sometimes a great Big Brother season is defined by thrilling gameplay.  Sometimes it’s the exciting twists.  And, just sometimes, all it really needs is enough genuinely likeable people to make it to the end and some equally deplorable ones to give you something to root for and against.  What should have been a thoroughly mediocre season (the ‘Cliques’ twist will not only remain one of the weakest and uninspiring of the series, but also it’s most ineffectual if not for the glorious seven day implosion of S12′s ill-fated Summer Of Sabotage) somehow evolved early on into the greatest battle of Heroes vs Villains seen outside a series of Survivor.  Cooping up that many truly delusional people in one house might be unbearable if you’re an adorkably normal neuroscientist or a blithely innocent southern belle but, as a viewer, we’ll be damned if it didn’t make for great TV.  The classic post-Jessie pity party of Natalie, Lydia and Chima mourning will forever make laughing at people okay, especially in light of the latter’s historic meltdown and subsequent producer expulsion (although we’ll always be kinda sad that it obscured her genuinely fascinating backstory).  And the Jeff, Jordan, Michele and Russell group of misfits made for the most rootable against all odds alliance since the golden days of S6 (even if Big Jeff himself did his gosh darned homophobic best to almost ruin it).  Jordan’s come from behind win at the last minute really helped to redeem it and showed that, whether in real life or Reality TV, sometimes, just sometimes, nice guys finish first.  Plus, you know, who could forget the completely surreal sight of the HEAVILY PREGNANT CHENBOT!

BEST MOMENT - While Chima (Princess of Glower)’s epic evening of Production-baiting  and eventual expulsion was a basically a Big Brother (But) First, we’ve always had a modicum (and only that) of sympathy for her considering the Coup D’etat is the Big Brother equivalent of being butt-fucked without warning or lube from a gameplay perspective (you can watch said player dry-fucking HERE).  On the other hand, the gloriously absurd mock funeral the estrogenic trio of terror presided over the night before is everything that makes good Big Brother great –  crying, hysteria and that special kind of spiralling group delusion that seems to thrive when already borderline personalities start catching crazy by forced osmosis.  In short, it was AMAZING.

 

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